Unruly teenager - help me make home life happier!

[Peartree17]

I posted a version of this in a thread titled Teenagers and discipline, but I thought I might get more response if I started a new thread.

He's nearly 17 and has pushed boundaries over this last year around drug use (weed, nox, and occasional E - really not unusual among his peers, but worrying nevertheless and not desirable), staying out overnight without telling me his plans (which is all I ask for!), drinking, smoking tobacco, truanting, having friends over (with my say-so - I even left food for them, more fool me) who then trashed the house and stole from me, and stealing (from us and, once, from someone else - item was found by me and returned pronto).

Thankfully, I've managed to keep him in school, by the skin of his teeth and he'll start sixth form again at a different school next year. Hoping a clean slate will help him. This is a child who is popular, nice-looking, loved, listened to, supported and encouraged in what he wants to do and I am ashamed to admit that his behaviour has driven me absolutely demented in the last six months and I have yelled, wept and slapped his face (once, after the house was trashed and he arranged for a drug dealer to visit while we were out) as well as pushed him and hit him on the arm. He has never been angry, he doesn't raise his voice so there's no 'I will wait to talk to you until you calm down' option. I know my actions are wrong and inexcusable and I have apologised to him and told him that he must never think that hitting someone is a justifiable response. But I really don't know how to deal with him, when reasoning, love, trying to point out the consequences, impacts and risks of his actions, both for himself and others, withdrawing of privileges (phone, money, going out - can't really use the last one very much because if he walks out, what am I going to do? lock him out? taking his shoes away from him to keep him in - believe me, I've considered it - is just barbaric and wrong) simply don't work. I suppose I should be grateful that he is healthy, and still choosing to live at home and go to school and have at least an eye on the future. But it is bloody hard and thankless work!

At the moment, we seem to have settled into a state of surly non-communication, with lots of eye-rolling and "I don't care" responses from him. I can see the funny side of some of it - just - but I'm also miserable about how I've mishandled parts of the past year, worried that I"ve ruined our relationship and lost all credibility as someone who can be relied upon and trusted to act with his best interests at heart. He needs good guidance and I don't know how to help encourage him - he is horribly inert and this is also frustrating. I'm trying to maximise good stuff - sessions at the gym, family meals together, support for his friendships and social life. His father is great - helpful, loving, practical on things like help with school work - but works long hours so it's quite possible for them not to see each other very much during the week.
Judge away, you can't say anything worse to me than I've said to myself, but if anyone has some ideas tested by similar experience on how I might improve things, please do chip in.

Thank god for threads like this. I was just sitting on the sofa after having had my dad screaming abuse at me and felt at my wits end. Resorted to chocolate biscuits a cuppa and MN. So glad I read this, I do not like my daughter. There I have said it. I would say her behaviour as the parenting ‘experts’ always say it’s the behaviour not the person but she is cruel, ungrateful, hideous to her younger brother with temper tantrums that I find quite unpleasant. We have small windows when she is ok and we have a nice time, then. I say the wrong thing and we are right back to where we were with her shouting. So, I have no advice whatsoever but this thread stopped me from crying into my tea so thank you and I feel your pain!

I know what you mean Oranges. I have cried tears of frustration when I couldn't make him see he was on self destruct! I think it is a fear of failure that is driving his cocky attitude to his exams and revision. He won't make a decision where he wants to go to college or what he wants to do. Deep down he does not want to grow up !

Well, I got the rage again yesterday, after receiving the second grumpy email in less than a week from school, handing out a detention for homework undone. After the first one (repeat, less than a week ago), I wrung (yet another) promise from him that he would keep his nose clean, do his homework tasks on time and see out his last term at this school quietly and uneventfully before starting with clean slate at his new school in September. Anyway, I lost my rag completely - yelled about lazy, selfish behaviour, pointed out that his father (who is working long hours) gave up half his precious weekend to help him with a homework assignment, that I have spent the last six months moving heaven and earth to find him a new school and negotiating with various teachers and heads, that his teachers have been more than fair and kind to him while he has persistently behaved like an entitled twat, that EVERYONE, in fact, is working their butt off to make his life better and he is the only one not pulling his weight. And how dare he, etc, etc.

God. It is all so stressful and unhappy and exhausting. One small crumb of comfort: he did actually get tearful (normally he's impassive - works very hard not to show his emotions - very male in that sense) and express how much he hated his school, had always hated it, really wanted to leave and was looking forward to a fresh start. This is hard to understand - I tried to explain that no-one could ever understand WHY this is the case. He always had a good group of friends, he was happy to go on school trips, while he wasn't a big joiner of societies and teams, and was not enthused by the emphasis on service and self-actualisation through interesting pursuits that prevailed, he found a couple of extra-curricular activities he'd happily join in, so he wasn't a complete refusenik. He was getting on mostly middling to fine in academic subjects, although there was always, always the complaint that he could do so much better if he applied himself. So it was very hard to see that there was anything significantly wrong or mismatched about him in that school that a bit of extra effort and positive thinking on his part wouldn't fix. Which I duly tried to fix by helping with organisation and planning and timetabling and providing snacks to ease revision along, all just like the school said! And bloody hard, thankless work it all was too! years of it, and I really wish I'd outsourced it to a tutor like some people do, because it may have reduced the tension between us. All that fucking 'involvement' and we wind up here anyway!

So I said to him, (yesterday this is), if you'd actually tried TALKING to me and using your words and EXPLAINING your feelings and SHARING your thoughts and giving me some reasons, I might, just might have been able to do something about it, and we might, just might have been able to come to a solution together. Changed schools earlier (although actually, I think our choices would have been very limited), maybe supplied any teaching deficiencies in a different school with tutoring, and you and I could have had a much better time of it the last few years. But sulking and scowling and zoning out and passive aggression and deliberately missing homework deadlines and accumulating detentions delivered precisely zero useful information about whatever was really going on. And so you left me no option but to try and address what seemed to be the problem which was just laziness and lack of organisation - very common among teenage boys, after all.

I don't know if all this 'I've always hated it and you never took any notice' is just an excuse after the event, but I think - I think - that the message went in that had he actually talked to me instead of acting out stupidly, then things might have been different and better. I hope, sincerely hope, that he will take that on board now and in the future and try TALKING to us to find a solution if a situation is wrong for him and needs changing. I honestly think I've earned my stripes with all the support and effort I"ve put in.

Anyway, I"ve made it clear that if I get another email along these lines then privileges are going to be withdrawn - that concert ticket? will be going to another person. That promise of Reading ticket - nope. New clothes? - not a chance. He will have to get a job to earn the money for those treats and, actually, he has to get a job anyway and I want to see this so-called search he's engaged in going up a gear.

Sorry to go on at length, but this is processing it for me. It is so exasperating and enraging. I have to take refuge in busy-ness and box sets to stop myself from going mad.

Pop round for a glass of wine! 😘

Sounds like a productive sort of argument you had with your son.
Life is life. We can't always behind behind excuses and sometimes the kids need to hear this. Well done you.

Today I am fed up with DS2 age 14. For pretty much the same reasons as you all. Won't go to school today, feels sick. Usually refuses breakfast and won't buy lunch at school and won't take a packed lunch, hence feeling sick but doesn't get it. He has smoked weed, shoplifting, staying out later than agreed, late fo4 school, bad behaviour at school, countless emails about him, bunking off. In fact today I don't even like him. Over the past 18 months we've had it all. Occasionally I lose the plot and shout, scream etc but that happens less now but I still feel bad about it.
We've used plenty of carrots, pocket money, new clothes, treats, trainers, I pay fo4 his phone. He's even got his own space which we recently decorated in addition to his bedroom as an incentive to keep on track. He rude, surly and generally horrid attitude. In fact I really struggle to find anything nice to say.

I just needed to share sorry ☹️

Oh what a relief it is to read your posts OP. I totally feel your pain.

I'm 4 days in to a 1O day walk-out ... by me! Huge row at the weekend I just can't take any more. My DS is 20, in good hub thanks to me finding it, applying for it, coaching him in interview technique, following up his referees. All he had to do was go to the interview.

He does 100% of fuck all around the house, will watch his DF eg struggle with the shopping bags, putting up a shelf, and it does not occur to him to help, and if I say "hey DS give dad a hand" he sneers and scowls and says "it's my fucking weekend" and I look like the lazy bullying shit for mentioning it. I will NOT help DP myself as he and I are not aligned in the fact that DS should do more (something!) and DP believes that having any expectations of DS other than to keep breathing, is mean and unreasonable.

My relationship with DS is appalling. It's affected me and DP as a couple to the point where I'm seriously thinking of leaving.

So I have no advice. Sorry.

My DS went to counselling for 18 months then walked out when the counsellor had the audacity to challenge him. He never went back.

Like yours my DS has loving kind supportive parents, his DS has turned out fine, so while I spend a huge amount of time blaming myself for unspecified bad parenting, I do resent feeling that I'm taking 100% of the blame ! I am sick to dear of shouting, or crying, or feeling cold and resentful.

Sorry, I've hijacked your thread , but honestly you are not alone.

He's in a good job, not a good hub. Doh!

I'm of the thinking there comes a point where life with teens is predominantly about your own self preservation.
I've only had one yr of 'proper' teenage troubles my 17 yr old daughter is a late bloomer in that department. She's tried and tested me into dispair.
My 14 son is just immature so I put his behaviour down to his age and mange him differently from my daughter. They still drive me bat shit crazy!!!

In the past year I've learnt to step back from what they say and do as long as it has no impact on their 6 yr old sister and anyone outside of the family.
I definitely don't like them a great deal most of the time but I don't tell them that.
Teenagers are big versions of a toddler. Ignore the undesirable behaviour. It won't undo or stop it but you will preserve your sanity! I promise you!

You don't need to prove a point or have the last word. It's not battle to the death. There are no winners. It won't change how much they respect you or don't. Let them get in with it. If they want to listen they will other wise they'll make their own mistakes
.... and you will always be there when they need you.

@Buckingfrolicks just reread your post.
Your husband has a point. Sounds like he has got to grips with the self preservation lark. Give it a go. Ignore the lazy toad taking up space in your house and do something you like. He's not your responsibility any more.

Remember he's alive. You've done a brilliant job and your a great mum. Xx