Prenant 18 year old daughter, im a mess :(

[OneCrazyLife]

My daughter has completely gone off the rails!

I was a teenage parent at 17 and I always thought that I would raise my daughter differently to how I was raised. I worked really hard and sent her to the best Primary school She is an incredibly bright young girl and that led to her getting a scholarship for her senior school which is one of the top girls schools in the country.

I was so so proud of her she was happy, extremely talented at drama and bright. We were on track, she was everything I wasn't.

Then from year 9 around the time she was diagnosed as dyspraxic everything seemed to fall apart. She really refused any support and just became incredibly lazy.

I thought she was depressed but however hard i tried I couldnt get her to seek help, she scraped 6 gcse's above c by the skin of her teeth.

Shes rude, disrespectful and doesn't really care about anyone around her so we decided paying for sixth form would have been a waste and she would have been given a place but not the scholarship so we couldnt afford it.
I had put my life on hold and desperately wanted to go to uni so i decided if she didn't want an education I would go and get my degree finally.

We put her into a state school for sixth form which was a joint decision but turns out it was an awful decision, i should have skimped and put uni on hold!
The first year was kind of just ok but then she lost enthusiasm and of corse if your not paying nones going to chase you down the corridor for unfinished coursework and sit with her whilst she did it like they did her gcse's.

Now in year 13 we are at the stage where she had been told three weeks ago that she can no longer sit her A Levels as she had missed too much school. She was told she could sit AS's but on condition she was committed to being in school.

But no! After making that promise she swans off to her boyfriends who is 23, 2 hours drive away. No-one can contact her apart from her very occasional facebook message. Then last week she finally touches out to me to tell me she is pregnant.

I have a meeting at the school tomorrow and im pretty sure i know the outcome... two years down the toilet!
I went to pick her up when she told me and i was really supportive, she opened up to me. I made sure that she knew she had choices and that they were hers to make. I was calm and I told her I would support her in anything she chose to do within those choices.

I was so proud she had told me, we talked like we hadn't in years and i felt like she had learnt the hard way and felt sad for her.

That was yesterday! Today I blew it! I was driving home and i got completely overwhelmed.
I split from my husband of 17 years in September, he bought a house we did the whole separation thing with the solicitor, it was traumatic, he was suicidal. We got back together around January but on dating terms in secret so that we didn't effect the children if it didn't work, ive told no-one and things are not going smoothly. I don't know how to tell him and i don't know who to tell as no one knows.
Im also in trouble with the council for pruning a tree in a conservation area (which i didn't know) who are trying to take me to court, im doing a degree and just deferred for another year because i wasn't coping with my daughter and the separation issues, My youngest has aspergers and isn't coping with the separation, then this!

I just keep having intense moments where i think 'il just walk out infront of this car, then it will go away' sad

I had a complete breakdown today, i pulled myself together because i knew my daughter needed me more than ever.
I came home a very fragile but pretending to be strong. She had destroyed her room in the one day she had been home, then the pack of ice lollies i lovingly bought for her morning sickness had melted all over her carpet and mess around it as she had decided to bring the whole packet up and eat one lolly.

I told her, i knew she was unwell but she needs to learn from this and things need to change. The reply I got was the disrespect i always get.

Yesterday she had told me she was 4 weeks so we booked the clinic and got given a date two weeks away. I stupidly looked up online pictures of 4 weeks and progressed to looking at 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 weeks. They wouldn't do it earlier apparently which we planned on getting a second opinion about.
Then today she tells me shes actually six weeks after booking the appointment two weeks away.

All i could think about was her disrespect and the pictures i had looked at and thinking she cant mess around with this, its not school its a life!!!

I did the worst thing i could do and shouted at her!

I told her that this is EXACTLY what i had always fought against, I wanted her to have an education and not get pregnant and she had done all of those things. I told her that she had mocked me and told me that she wasn't as stupid as to get pregnant like her mum when ever i expressed concern and shes not so cocky now! I made it about me and my feelings, i lost the self control she needed sad
I knew i had lost control so i left the house, I messaged her and apologised and when i came home i comforted her and apologied again.

But i feel like an awful parent, I feel that if i had done more as a parent this wouldn't of happened. I feel angry, sad and helpless at the same time. I feel like an evil entreaty that I shouted at her when she needed me most.

I just really don't know how to cope and be strong for her. I know i need to be but im struggling sad

We have a school appointment tomorrow and she wants to go and tell them, so i need to be there. Im ringing around to see if we can get the abortion done tomorrow privately otherwise she now has an Nhs appointment Friday.

Tomorrow and the coming week is going to be so hard for her and i cant loose control again, i need to be strong.

Has anyone been though this with their teen that can offer advise. Obviously my other has but shes a gossip and my daughter has expressed that nan can not find out, so no support their sad

No experience or advice, just a hug til someone helpful comes along.

This isn't your fault and you're not a bad parent for yelling at her under the circs. She isn't a child anymore, and you can't wave a magic wand and make everything go the way she wants x

Sorry i read though that and am embarrassed at the terrible spelling. Im dyslexic and usually check. But im not quite myself x

This is hard

But this is fixable. She’s 18, she can have an abortion if she wants one, and her life doesn’t have be one of being pushed not to be like her mother. You’ve pushed her very hard, to make up for conceiving her. A private education is no guarantee of success. She may have bombed out of an expensive sixth form too.

Maybe it’s time she got a shot job in a kitchen and learned WHY she needs to do her a levels. There’s time. You have to give her time to fail.

Give yourself a break. She-sounds like a-spoilt young lady. She's 18. An adult. Stop fancying around her.
You've done all you can do.

Let her get on with her choices. Time she moved out & grew up.

I say that as someone who was a teenage mum & have 2 adult dc.

Look after yourself & your child with SN.

No advice but can I just say - please stop giving yourself a hard time. You've done everything you can for her and she's old enough to make the choices she has.... don't feel bad. You sound like a lovely mum! Yes you may have had a go at her but she should know it's because you love her and you want the best for her.... the fact that you calmed down and apologised to her i think is a really lovely thing to do, given you're allowed to be upset, and you're being supportive of her.

I'd definitely tell your partner though - you might be supporting your daughter but you need someone to support you too x

My daughter had a baby at 15!

She has since trained as a hairdresser and was day manager at a local restaurant until it closed (ill health of the owner, not bad management).

She moved out of home where she had the support of me when she turned 16 but was back living with me by 18.

Yes, it was a struggle for her, but she has been an amazing mum and now has 7 year old twins alongside her 13 yo dd.

All you can do is be there to support your dd, at 18 she is fairly grown up.

you’ll make it through, just be prepared for a bumpy ride.

Hi,

Just wanted to quickly reply to you. I think I can relate to you a little bit as I too had my first child at 17 and felt I always put my life on hold so that I could give my children the best upbringing. I also went to uni whilst the eldest was doing a levels -so I do understand the hardship.

I think you are carrying a lifetime of 'responsibility of others' and have not really had a chance to do something for your self. Your Dd is 18 so should be responsible for her own actions.

Try not to worry too much about the tree problem- it's gone now you can't do much about it. A neighbour cut down a tree on council property and nothing happened to him

Wish you all the best xxx

Thank you, all your kind words and advice are helpful.

Im just carrying so much guilt for so many reasons, Just so many layers of different issues in my life, i think really i just need to get through this week and get myself some help.

I just thought i could soldier on but I realised today I really cant.
Im struggling with the whole idea of the abortion if im honest, obviously I havnt shared that with her at all but i cant help thinking about it growing :( But the alternative is a struggle too as she is not emotionally or mentally stable enough to cope, if im honest i think it would be a nightmare if she became a mother now. Anyway its her choice so doesn't matter what i think. I just wish she wasn't pregnant but whats done is done.

So sorry you are clearly at such a stressful time in your life.

Just a different point of view here - I am older now, but between the ages of about 14-18 I was a total bitch to my mum. I definitely feel she was at breaking point much like you sound now. We are now best friends and I forever regret every time I caused her any guilt or upset. Your daughter will grow out of this phase I promise. We got through it by her letting me confide in her and no matter how angry or disappointed she was, she tried so hard not to scream and shout and it would put me off going back to her. (I understand you probably know this already)

One thing I will say - if your daughter has decided an abortion is best for her, I really think you need to stop researching/torturing yourself. This is your daughters body and decision and I fear you will scare her off an abortion when she has made up her mind. I'm sure the doctors will tell her everything she needs to know and she can decide herself from that.

You are doing a great job, try not to be too hard on yourself x

I also think the sooner your daughter gets a job the better - look into apprenticeships, maybe education just isn't for her? She will still get qualifications.

I also think you really need to seek medical help regarding the thoughts you've been having, you will be able to support your daughter much better if your mental health is in the right place x

You sound like a brilliant mum who has worked very hard to give your daughter all the chances she never had. This isn’t your fault. Your daughter has decided not to take those opportunities you worked so hard to give her. This is her doing, not yours. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink,

I went to a rubbish secondary modern school. I had to work my arse off to get my qualifications. I wish I had had the opportunities your daughter has had.

She’s 18, she’s not a child, she’s a woman. All you can do is be there for her. You can’t force her.

Good luck

I understand your finding things incredibly stressful. It's important you support your daughter in her decisions right now.

One thing that I noticed in your post is that your daughter was diagnosed dsypraxic. What you see as her becoming lazy could have been her hitting a wall and jut finding things really hard going. Year 9 is not a great age to get this sort of news either from a developmental point of view. I know it's all in the past but often private schools aren't great at helping with SEN issues either.

She's still that really bright little Girl, she's just lost. I agree that a more non academic route like an apretachipe may suit her better. Plus good support from you.

Also don't worry about the tree. I know it just feels like one more thing to rock the boat. But it's probably not going to be a big issue really.

Thanks.

Im actually dyspraxic myself but I wasn't diagnosed until Last year when i started UNI I was diagnosed with the dyslexia at school though. So I get the overwhelmed thing. But when you work closely with the SEN teacher to get a good tailor system that will help her and she chooses not to use the system or cooperate at all :( Theres a difference between struggling but making an effort and not giving a monkeys at all. There is definatly dyspraxic struggles, im not denying that but ALOT of just plain laziness thrown in. perhaps its related to the mood issues and feeling down but again Ive tried to help and she just doesn't want it :( You have to put in some ground work yourself . So many opportunities and support that she has chosen to ignore.

Anyway had the meeting at the school, my daughter couldnt come as shes really poorly with sickness :(
They basically said that they sympathise with the situation but at the same time its the worse timing and they are on a deadline that has a cut off. They need to get her to sit some mock exams before the 18th. Her abortion is booked for Friday and I have rang around all morning to try and get it earlier, they basically just send you in circles even when going private and I cant get anything prior to Friday. Whilst i told her the situation I was factual and im not prepared to put her under pressure. I cant see her sitting a mock a few days after TBH so I guess thats it!

Her plan is to do a BTEC in September but she wants to do it whilst living with her boyfriend 2 hours away! im happy with the Btec but it concerns me that if it doesn't work out (which is likely) she will come back home and unfortunately the courses she is looking at are not transferable here, but thats what she wants and even after this I don't think she will listen to me. Its just a sad situation I wish we were not in.

I do feel a teeny tiny but better as she has accepted my apology and is back to talking openly but shes really sick. If it carries on we will go to the dr tomorrow. Its so hard to watch :(

Im really trying to break my issues down and just deal with the small things that i can cope with so that they don't build up on top of the bigger things, just trying not to crumble TBH. Typing this has helped slightly, helps put things in some sort of perspective x

As a parent of an 18yo with dyspraxia, who has been an increasing nightmare since she turned 16, I have no advice but lots of sympathy and and and . I have had to let go and detach a lot just to keep myself in one piece.

It's hard to see wanting things when your a teenager though. I found being diagnosed dyslexic at 11 hard I'm not sure I would have copped either in year 9. It's the teenage thing as well it's such bad timing.

She will have to learn to make her own mistakes luckily at 18 she isn't to old. Most 18 year olds are off to Uni, so why not support her to do this BTEC. I'd then support her to finish the course where she is rather then come home if it doesn't work out with her boyfriend.

You poor love

It all sounds very hard but I don't think your daughter has gone "completely off the rails". There are far worse situations she could be in. It sounds like she's made a sensible decision about not keeping the pregnancy. Of course that's a huge emotional thing for you, and probably her too, though she may not realise it yet. But it sounds best given her age and situation.

No one likes being told what to do when they haven't asked for help. Maybe she feels pressurised by your expectations? I can understand her rejecting the support offered at school. She needs to get some perspective for herself and that will take time - she has a lot to process at the moment. Let her do the college course. It may pan out or it may not. She still has you to support her when she wants it - no need for you to impose it on her. Let her work it out herself and be there when she needs you.

I really feel for you, I was pretty much like you , had my daughter young ,didn’t finish my uni and always regret it,but I hope all my time and money ,my missed opportunities, and my mistakes will help her make better decisions than me . Big hug 💕

Shes having a really rotten time, she has hyperemesis gravidarum so is now stuck on an antenatal ward on a drip and we have had to leave her there :(
They cant give her the abortion pill until she is well and they cant give it at the hospital so we are really hoping that the drip works and she will be well enough for her appointment. Ive managed to move the appointment forward so we are praying she can get to it. Why is life so hard, i felt awful leaving her, the lady in the room next to her sounded like she was loosing her much wanted baby. Its just made it so much more real and traumatic for her, I felt so bad leaving her :(

So sorry to hear about your situation. I have not been through the same issues but I do have an 18 and 19 year old. One thing I have learned through these teenage years is to step back and try to look at things from a distance. Firstly, if you don't, you will make yourself ill and you will not be be the rock she can lean on. Secondly, you may be adding to her anxiety by being so anxious yourself.
This is a horrible time, there's no getting away from that, but you need to get yourself some support, even if it's simply to talk things through. If you have no-one, call the Samaritans. Having someone listen can make all the difference.
It sounds like you try to keep everything in. There's no reason not to let your daughter know your thoughts but not in the heat of the moment. Also, remember you can always apologise if you lose it.
As many others have said, she is coming into adulthood, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need you. However, she is old enough to make her own decisions, some of which you don't agree with. I have found it very difficult to let go, but we have to so they can live their own lives. And so we can live our own lives once they have gone.

onecrazylife - well I think your doing a great job tbh. You have got your shot together and supporting her and not walking away from this mess.

You get up every day and keep on. You don’t lie in bed hiding.

Draw on your own experience, life never pans out how we want it, it’s just different chapters.

Thank you, she has had the abortion after the most horrendous week, she became incredibly sick and landed up in hospital with dehydration. They finally stabilised her and let her go on Thursday night ready for the abortion Friday.
I was really concerned as she showed signs she hadn't thought this through at all and her instability really came through. I tried to give her options and explain as well as I could as it became clear she hadn't thought anything through and she started to doubt her decision. I think she needed more time as with the sickness she didn't have time to think until the thursday night.

Since then her mental health has become more of a concern as rather than being depressed she has become hypomanic, talking a million miles an hour, dancing around the house, shes plastered it on facebook so the whole sixth form knows. Shes just so impulsive and with her mental state its real worry. I think this is going to be a very long road!

I personally feel quite sad, at one point when she was doubting I offered to raise the baby until she felt ready. I didn't say that likely, I had planned it out in my mind before offering. I think a combination of that and her being on an antenatal ward made it so so real. I do feel a sense of loss and a sense of sadness for my daughter as I worry for her making decisions in her state of mind and what that means for the future. But at the same time I can see she wasn't ready to go through the pregnancy, I just wish it hadn't happened :(

What a sad situation. I really hope things settle down. Your daughter is still so young. There is plenty of time for her to get her act together.

Good luck and please don’t be so hard on yourself. 💐