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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Not coping ...

8 replies

JoelyB · 08/04/2018 19:19

My 18 yo daughter went off to Uni last September but after 6 weeks was back, and back in her job in a restaurant.
We tried to talk to her when she came back as for the last year before she left, she was rude, aggressive and impossible to live with. So we said, look that's fine, we'd love to have you, but you do need to grow up a bit, be civil, muck out your room now and again.
So she agreed, but never really kept her promises. Before too long she was being rude and just blanking us again, and at Easter she moved out to share a house in town with a guy she says is just a friend.
She's really cut us out, and I'm absolutely gutted. We've always done everything we can to encourage her to succeed in what ever she wants to do.
They did have quite a sheltered upbringing, I suppose we are quite conservative with a small c, but she has an older sister who has turned out just fine so it can't be all our fault?
She has never admitted to a boyfriend to us, but then she tells us nothing and I'm pretty sure she lies to us a lot.
We'd never even met the guy she moved in with, and I think she was pretty much trying to avoid us doing so, but we did accidentally run into him (we'd been invited to drop round, but her sister got there first, and when 'he' was still in the house she freaked and kept saying 'I thought you were going out, when are you going out?')
I'm just so heartbroken that she's chosen to do this like this. We're holding on by the skin of our teeth to keep channels of communication open. She is constantly rude and hurtful. I'm guessing there's not much else I can do, but feel a bit better for offloading.
Any ideas other than wait patiently? { very weak smile }

OP posts:
BringMeCoffeePlease · 08/04/2018 19:30

Whilst you may feel like shutting off from her, don’t do this. Keep in communication with her and keep checking she’s okay. There may be something going on in her life that she hasn’t told you aboutFlowers

VioletCharlotte · 08/04/2018 19:44

This must be very difficult for you.
Teens can drive you to the point of despair (I've got a 16 year old DS who is failing college and just been sacked from his pt job). And the rudeness and attitude is very hard to take. It sounds like our DD isn't in a great place at the moment, so just do what you're doing and keep the lines of communication open. I'm sure she'll come round eventually.
Until then Ginand Cake

titchy · 08/04/2018 20:06

She invited you to drop round is that right? That's positive isn't it? And she's living independently supporting herself. Also positive. And not trashing her room in your house - again positive!

She must have found university quite tough to quit after just 6 weeks - have some sympathy for her there. What went wrong?

I don't think it really matters about this chap, whether you meet him or not, as long as he's treating her ok. Do you ask her to join you for lunch or for a coffee at all? That's all you can do really. Don't pressurise her to introduce him, or sort her future out. Just light hearted chats over coffee and cake about the weather!

Moominfan · 08/04/2018 20:10

Keep reaching out to her! She made an effort inviting you round, living independently. Be her biggest cheerleader and keep praising all her achievements no matter how small

JoelyB · 08/04/2018 20:14

Yes, that is a positive.
We've had huge amounts of sympathy over Uni and to be honest she's doing well in her job, and we've totally supported her choice to go that route. Looks like she'll do well and quite quickly get into management, in fact we're very proud of her and we've said so, plenty of times.
Not really sure what went wrong - she pushed to go her uni of choice, despite missing a grade so got put on an alternative course, which she hated - is the official version. We get the feeling something else may have gone on, that we don't know OR that it was just that she wanted so desperately to come home to her job/friends/this guy that she couldn't stay away.
We meet up very much on her terms. I think it's just hard being so excluded, to be honest, when you'd love to be able to help, or at least offer support.

OP posts:
Pigsnkids · 11/04/2018 20:18

It can be so hard with teens and I really sympathise. I used to sit in my daughter's bedroom and cry when she wasn't there, simply because I felt we'd lost her to her friends, phone, computer - in fact anything that meant she didn't have to speak to us. Gradually over time (3 years), she came back out of her shell and now she's lovely again. Sometimes you really have to just hang in there, bite your tongue and live with the hurt. She says now that she didn't realise that she was excluding us and I can see there were probably things in her own world that were bothering her. I would have loved to help but she wanted to sort them herself - that was and is how she does things.

Benandhollysmum · 12/04/2018 00:33

Snap my daughters rude to me as well and swears at me..don’t shut communication down though leave it wide open, she will need you. If your other daughter speaks to her get her to do some fishing for you and report back is all you really can do
Or be a snoop..set up a Facebook page and just snoop on them find out what’s going on

snewsname · 12/04/2018 00:47

Your support will be seen as pressure one way or another. Try to meet up with no expectations at all. Just enjoy being in her company and talk neutral subjects. Hopefully she'll open up more when she's not on her guard.

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