How far should I go to make DD wash up?

[TheKnackeredChef]

DD (15) has mild OCD. I try to accommodate her where I can - sitting in certain places, always having the subtitles on when we watch TV, letting her organise cupboards how she likes them, that sort of thing. As long as it doesn't impact too much on everyone else and it makes her feel safe and comfortable I don't mind going along with it.

But recently, she's developed an aversion to washing up. I've tried negotiating, reasoning, punishing, bought her extra long rubber gloves, everything I can think of, but she just won't do it. Poor DS (her twin) ends up doing more than his fair share because she point blank refuses to do it and he's getting fed up now and is kicking up a fuss, which is understandable I guess. So I end up doing it all myself.

She's generally very lazy and resistant to helping out, which makes me suspicious that it's maybe not an OCD thing but rather just a CBA thing. In fairness, she will do some stuff if it suits her and she's pushed enough. But not the washing up.

I'm a single parent, I'm struggling financially and am working flat out to try and keep us afloat. I don't think IABU to expect her to help out around the house on my terms, not just picking and choosing the things she doesn't mind doing.

I'm torn between just letting it go for a quiet life or putting my foot down and dealing with the fallout. It's exhausting either way.

If she does other chores I would perhaps pick my battles on this one. Could you tell your DC what chores need doing and they can decide how to split them? If it's OCD causing the issue she can choose another chore but if she CBA then she won't be getting out of anything as she'll be replacing it with something else.

If DS washes up would she dry and put away dishes?

The list is a good idea, yes.

She will put the dishes away (never any need to dry them as it takes so bloody long to get her to do it!) but that still means that either I or DS get lumbered with the washing.

Let her be a teenager not a drudge, and don't make DS do more either. Best thing is to save up for a dishwasher. I still hate washing up when other people have cooked.

If she does one of DSs chores as a trade, then I’d be ok with that. Up to DS and DD to negotiate between them. Only step in if one is clearly dominating the other or using their good nature unfairly.

I totally disagree with @Vangoghsear. We're meant to prepare our children for adulthood and she is plenty old enough to be doing some chores around the house.

I think the list is a decent idea. But my own mother would never have negotiated, washing up is not an unreasonable chore and if I'd been told to do it then I would have had to do it. Otherwise no dinner, no TV, no fun.

The OCD makes it slightly trickier for you to lay down the law in this manner. But I think if I suspected it was CBA I would try being strict and see where it got me.

That's the trouble, Zombie. DS is very good natured and (like me) has strong doormat tendencies which I'm trying to help him overcome. There's no negotiating with her unfortunately.

Right, I'm off to get her out of bed. Wish me luck...

@Vangoghsear - totally disagree. That’s teaching kids to be entitled. And how’s a single mum going to save up for a dishwasher, remodel her kitchen in order to fit it and plumb it in? Ridiculous advice.

The OP is a single mum running around after the kids. It’s not too much to ask them to help out. Mum isn’t their slave to wait in them hand and foot. How is doing everything for them preparing them for independence and adulthood. God I remember going away to University at 18 and living with kids who didn’t know how to use a toaster or kettle as their parents had done everything for them. Shame on them.

This sounds like a CBA scenario. If she doesn’t want to do the washing up then how else is she going to contribute.

I have 2 DSC who don’t do anything in mums house (more full her). When the kids are with me & my OH they keep their rooms tidy, make their beds, strip them, put washing in their was baskets, lay the table and clear the table, get drinks for the family meal. I don’t think it’s too much to ask as I work on average 45 hours a week, have a 15 hour a week commute, do the shopping, cooking and most of the cleaning! Kids need to learn we aren’t here to run round after them!

Is there a chore your ds doesn't like that he'd like to pass to her in exchange?

My 18yo has ASD and has sensory issues both with the feeling of dishes in the bowl and with rubber gloves. We've compromised somewhat in that she does a lot of other chores around the house (I've recently discovered she's fab at doing the laundry) but I make her do it about once a week, normally when there isn't much to do.

There's just me and her in the house so no way is she getting out of her fair share of chores - I'm her parent not her slave and she may have ASD but she's an adult!

It's not the DC's fault she is a single mum. I don't understand parents who seem to think that their DCs are responsible for helping to run the household, occasional help and learning how to do the chores is fine but I don't understand why parents would want to make their children do the day to day drudgery every single day. I realise I may be in a minority.

Life IS day to to day drudgery! She's 15, not 5!
And if the kids don't help out, the mum has twice as much to do.

In the Squiffany household, whoever cooks gets exemption from washing up

Erm, maybe because the teenager lives there and contributes to the mess too.

Doing the dishes isn't "drudgery" It's part and parcel of everyday life.

@Vangoghsear totally disagree too and I'm not a single mum, I'm a SAHM and I still think it's my job to help my kids learn to transition into adulthood become responsible and independent. Helping out around the house is contributing to the household and that is exactly what they should be doing at this age.
I'd negotiate with your dd on the tasks she would be prepared to help out with, maybe consider time taken for each task to make it more even. No way should you be doing it all op and don't be guilted into thinking it is, no one likes doing the washing up but that's like every job no matter how important comes with a degree of drudgery, learning to deal with that is a trait to take with you.
I know it's easier and quicker to do it yourself to begin with, but it is worth it in the end for all of you!

@Vangoghsear you are teaching your children to be entitled and aren’t teaching them to be independent. God help any person they live with - I presume that they think they will do everything for them?

It doesn’t matter if the kids are from a single parent home or live with mum and dad, that comment that ‘I don’t understand parents who expect their kids to do the day to day drudgery’ - who should do it? The parents? Should we run around after our kids, spiking them, acting as their slaves? No wounder there’s a snowflake generation who expect everyone else to run around after them!

The thing is at some point she will either live with other people or live alone and she needs to do the washing up.

So at least once a week she needs to be doing this. She cannot live like a pampered princess, she needs to do chores, even the ones she hates.

I agree to some level that children should know how to do stuff but not necessarily be burdened with doing them daily, but sadly there are drudge housework things that need doing daily. It would be one hell of a jump to go from hardly doing anything to living in halls of residence at Uni and having to do it all, shopping, cooking, cleaning. So better to start now.

Youd be doing her no favours letting her get away with it. It doesnt even sound like ocd more like if i fuss and stomp enough ill get away with it. Washing up is a fact of life.