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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14yo really wants to find his bio father

24 replies

Beeutiful · 05/04/2018 14:13

Hello,

This is my first post in many years. I have 4 children, my eldest is from before I met my husband who my eldest has always considered his dad and visa versa. Recently an elderly family member has become ill and its terminal. Someone my ds is very close to. It is making him ask more and more about his biological father.

The thing is, the last time I saw his was when I told him I was pregnant. He told me he would probably be in touch when he got his head around it but that never materialised. We stayed in contact until my son was about 8 weeks old and he knew we were both healthy (I was extremely ill) and then cut contact except via solicitors. Through the grapevine I know he met an ex very soon after we broke up when I was in the early stages of pregnancy and he had moved abroad, and they rekindled their love, got engaged, got married and had a baby girl all within about 18ish months. I had been in contact with one family member who knows about my son but the rest of his family don't know and his parents are very elderly now.

When I was with my ex, he wasn't a nasty piece of work, he was very kind and gentle and a loving person and I really don't understand why he just vanished. I don't know if his wife knows and gave him and ultimatum or she doesn't know and that's the reason he has stayed away. I have written letters and emails and all have gone unanswered by him and the relative. I don't know what alternative route to take now as we currently live 5000miles abroad.

The illness of this relative has made my son more urgent to meet his biological father in case something happens. He has been clear that he doesn't want another dad or any friend, he just wants to know this other person who made him, where he came from and close the book. He is a very pragmatic person and we have went through therapy with him to make sure.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice. I have told my son that I have written emails and letters and they have not been responded to (all correspondences address i have are work ones so i can only hope they ended up in the right places) and that we may have to leave it at that. At the same point I want to be able to say I did my absolute best. There is no searchable social media profiles, professional profiles and anything on google.

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 05/04/2018 14:23

In your position I would try and trace his father, maybe hire a private dectective, it’s very hard to disappear without a trace so I’m sure he can be found.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 14:29

Have you tried searching for him on FB or LInkedIn or whatever he equivalent is in that country?

Original poster

Beeutiful · 05/04/2018 15:08

We are the ones abroad, he is still in the UK and I know where he works but that is all. Nothing on Facebook or LinkedIn.

I guess a private detective is the next step. Are there reputable well known agencies? I have no idea where one starts with those, I'm totally clueless. (I would be search the Northwest London area)

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rollingonariver · 05/04/2018 15:23

Does he have a work email you could try. I have many old emails that I don't use anymore but I always respond to my work email.

WorkingBling · 05/04/2018 15:31

is he paying child support or anything of that sort? Could you contact his family (the person you were in touch with)? Or do you know the name of his wife and you could look for her on social media to get a sense of where he is now.

Otherwise, I tend to agree re the private detective.

Original poster

Beeutiful · 05/04/2018 16:31

I have tried the work email with no response.

I have also tried looking up his wife's social media/linkedin profiles but nothing with. It also feels a little creepy/uncomfortable because at the end of the day my son is his responsibility I guess and I don't have a clue if she knows anything about him. I do get a very small amount of maintenance. a very small amount given his 6 nearly 7 figure wage, that is saved for my son's future but I have done all the financial supporting of my son and then my husband when I became a stay a home parent as our family grew. The money comes into my UK bank account and is the only thing that is in it. My solicitor thinks there is no way his wife doesn't know and may be the reason he has never ever been in touch. If I get a private detective. Then what? Turn up at his door, send a letter? emails have gone unresponded to him and his sibling who knows about my son. How do I know where to draw the line and say to my son we have done everything we can and he hasn't responded.

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rollingonariver · 05/04/2018 17:04

Tbh my uncle didn't see his first child because his mother moved her to another country and now she's tried to get back in touch he's just ignored him. His current wife has said she'll take the kids if he even contacts her and is annoyed that we talk to her. I think that's bullshit and he's a crap father, I'd name and shame him anyway.

rollingonariver · 05/04/2018 17:04

*day

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/04/2018 17:09

How do I know where to draw the line and say to my son we have done everything we can and he hasn't responded.

You don't really get to make that call. You could, at some point, decide that you are unwilling to help him try and find his dad any longer, but he'll have to be the one to call off the search one day if he decides enough is enough.

I feel very sorry for him. I think I'd have to try everything; including a private detective, and then perhaps counselling.

SubtitlesOn · 05/04/2018 17:15

Can the bank help find him, if his money is still going into your account?

Original poster

Beeutiful · 05/04/2018 17:16

Rollingonariver, that's so sad. I've always been very open to any communication and even when I met my husband and my son said he wanted to take my husband's name and even wanted my husband to adopt him (we couldn't due to complications which is a long story) I said that I would never ever close the door to communication from his biological family and every so often I would drop an update in the mail as he has never changed jobs and my parents address which was my contact address to him has never changed. I am even paying for the phone number I had in case we move back so it hasn't changed and it is handy when we travel home. I have never taken my son and moved away from him.

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Original poster

Beeutiful · 05/04/2018 17:18

Thank you, this sounds wise.

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Original poster

Beeutiful · 05/04/2018 17:20

That last message was for AnchorDownDeepBreath....Told you I was rusty at the forum game! :D

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ClareB83 · 05/04/2018 17:24

If you know where he works ring them confirm you have the correct email address and get his extension.

Then you can email explaining what's going on with your son at the moment. Explain you know he is receiving this email. Maybe let your son add his own short paragraph saying hello. Ask for him to get in touch in the way you think is best.

You then also have the extension in your back pocket if you decide to ring him and tell him to stop being so shitty and at least email his son back. But do that without your son around.

coffeecow · 05/04/2018 17:43

Yes I was going to say try phoning his work too. Pretend to be someone else or even a wrong number.
How are you certain he still works for the same place?

Original poster

Beeutiful · 05/04/2018 19:21

Very certain, they had a recent recruitment advertisement with him and his email address as the point of contact, which is how I got the email. I just hope its not a PA getting the emails....that could be awkward!

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teenagerparent · 05/04/2018 21:54

Try searching the Electorol Roll online, if you know both his and his wife's name you should be able to find them. Then send a letter sign for to their house. Your son will then know you have done what you can, and when he is old enough he can either try again himself or just take it that his father isn't interested.
I had to do this, I sent a letter from solicitor kept a copy and my daughter had it when she was old enough read it and decided that if he dad wasn't interested then she was now.

Original poster

Beeutiful · 31/08/2018 19:26

I know this is an old thread but I thought I would update.
I got my son's fathers home address and his grandparents address. As my son tried to contact his father last year and got no response he wrote to his grandparents. It's been month so I think early days, but so far no response. I appreciate all the advice as I used it to find the information needed.

OP posts:

loopylass13 · 05/09/2018 03:35

I have a ten year old in the same boat, wanting to find paternal roots after ex disappeared during my pregnancy. I have the details but have been hoovering over the "send" button for a while in regards to communication.

Hope your child does get some answers/closure

loopylass13 · 05/09/2018 03:44

Maybe write a few times on your sons behalf. Mail (especially from over-seas) does get lost sometimes. Could you send a letter to your parents for them to send on to ex and his parents. Could your parents in the UK visit the ex's parents??

Alls fair with facebook etc. Look for siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. Amazing what others put online for the public. Might give you a better idea what the situation is and who is who etc. Could also copy pictures so your son has a visual aspect of paternal roots.

Contact everyone. Don't need to go into detail, but that you are trying to contact xxx as his son would like to meet him and/or extended family.

If a "funny" sort of family who you think might block you, use another account to spy (eg current partners or create new FB account).

NewUserNameTime · 05/09/2018 05:47

How are he & you feeling?

Original poster

Beeutiful · 09/09/2018 10:11

We haven't heard anything at all.

Waiting for a response for my son is hard, I don't know what he (his bio dad) has put out there, I don't know what he would say if family questioned him if my son is true. I have the DNA reports and well looking at my son at 14 is like looking straight at his biological father and if I'm honest, that is really really hard. My other children all look like me and I wished he did also.

My son wrote a lovely letter explaining why he was making contact and that he didn't have any expectations and didn't want a new father figure, just that he wants to know where he comes from, who he comes from so he can stop wondering. He wrote a line that went something like 'He is part of me yet I know nothing about him, I just want to fill in the blanks of the other part of me' He asks me every few days if I have heard anything and I have to remind him that he sent his email address, not mine.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/09/2018 10:16

This is really sad that he cannot reply to your son, even if it is just to say that he doesn’t want to meet etc.

It looks like you have tried everything and still no success, now might be the time to prepare DS for the possibility his father will not see him and try to support him in accepting this. Your DS sounds like a really smart lad

Original poster

Beeutiful · 09/09/2018 17:59

I fear you are right sadly.

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