AIBU in feeling I'm utterly failing my son

[StormySunshine]

Hi, my DS will be sitting his GCSE in a few weeks. He is, however, really down, unmotivated and barely putting in the minimum of revision. Both my DH and I are at our wits end as to how to help. We've tried long talks, resorted to threats (banned computer games, etc) but nothing gets through, he is just full of apathy. There is more to it. I had cancer 5 years ago, and it just returned a couple of months ago. So have been to hospital for a few weeks. Now at home but sleeping a lot and generally quite befuddled with all the drugs to be of much help. To top it up, it's the same cancer that my beloved MIL passed away from 2yrs ago. He refuses point blank to see a councilor, or even tell his friends (we've had to let the school know). Says that talking to us (which he does) is all he needs, but I know it's not enough. I am feeling so guilty and helpless! I know he's probably depressed and needs a professional help but cannot make him see it. Just feel like I am failing him when he needs me the most. Any advice is welcome

You are not failing him. You are caring and loving. Take the pressure off re the exams. He can do them again. GCSE's are bad enough with nothing else going on.

More pratically can MacMillan help with family counselling? They did for my friend.

It's hard for a teen to accept help at best of times and he's probably overwhelmed. Had you failed as a mum he might not be. He wants time with you and that's his priority right now. I think that's a huge compliment to you as his mother. Focus on you and let him focus jyst on being your son. Exams can come later.

You are having a terrible time of it. Are you being looked after and do you need some counselling to help you deal with it all?

Every year, Lots of parents on MN pull hair out on threads about their GCSE-yr kid who does too little revision for the parents liking. I suppose your son has had much more than most kids to deal with, but maybe he would have been just as unmotivated regardless. So you can pile guilt on yourself if you like, but it's probably unjustified.

2 yrs ago I had DC who refused almost all revision (lazy), but he did listen to much of what I said. I kept emphasising how important the qualifications could be to his next steps on pathway. And kept talking thru the different pathways he'd have depending on his results; they were all valid paths in my eyes.

Sympathies on the cancer thing. I saw GP yesterday about a lump Am bewildered to find myself on this sudden pathway. I am very much NOT telling my (also GCSE-taking) DC anything until I know something definite that they need to know. I hope your treatment goes well. x

Thank you, Heading and Daily. I will check the family counseling option. He might be more open to doing together? Anything is worth a try. I know logically that at least the illness isn't my fault but my heart is another matter. I keep thinking that a better mum would've found a way through. And, to my shame, deep, deep down, I think "surely he knows that this stress is so bad for me" and then, again, feel so bad for even thinking it.... And so it goes...

It's good when you can find ways to spend time with teenagers. Unfortunately, they tend to have expensive tastes!! But shopping, cafes, cinema, sometimes a bit of sport -- all worth exploring.