School problems

[SAMANTHAC22]

Hi all. My 12 year old daughter started a new school in September, and also her period, so a double whammy. We have never once had any issues or concerns about her at school before September. I'm constantly being contacted by teachers because she is being non compliant with uniform and now she is starting to scratch her arms at school making them bleed. We don't have any concerns as far as how she is in herself at home, and she doesn't appear to be hurting her arms at home. She's adamant she likes school and doesn't wish to move back to her previous school (she had many many friends who she grew up with there and had no concerns at school) I've just booked another doctors appointment for her and she is on the referral list at school for some sort of councilling support. I just can't understand it and it's so unlike her but she says everything's fine when it can't be. Does anyone have any advice for me please, or anyone who's dealt with the same kind of thing? I want to do my best, and feel like I'm not

I know plenty of children who moved in year 7/8 to other schools.

I've come to the conclusion some schools just aren't the right fit. They all differ in their intensity and their population.

They also seem to get into a negative cycle really quickly at this age - for example - she gets attention for her uniform and just suddenly wearing it right is quite a hard transition for some.

Personally I would move her back to the other school if she was settled there.

I see your point and you're not the first person who's suggested it. If I could know that this behaviour she's suddenly acquired was going to stop if I moved her back, then I would without hesitation. Someone suggested that what if she now just keeps doing it, even if you move her back. That now plays on my mind. She's doing very well in the work academic side of things but this whole, as it started off, uniform things is bonkers and I'm just not sure what will be for the best. I can only put it down to the change of school and it must be, but the teachers are making me feel otherwise and now I'm just plain confused. You've made a fair point and it's added to what I previously thought, so thank you for that. It's a bit more of an added feeling of what could be the best thing to do

What’s the reason that you moved her to the new school OP?

Is the uniform thing something that can be sorted relatively easily?
Was there a particular reason she moved at the end of y7?

She is in year 7 now. She has moved to grammar, which she was happy enough to do. Now the uniform can obviously be adhered to, she just doesn't do it and I really don't know why. It seems as if she's slipped up at the beginning by pushing her blazer sleeves up as she's never liked wearing long sleeves, and now it seems as if she's doing things on purpose to gain attention which is obviously only negative attention. They gave her cards, like emotion cards that she could put out on her desk so teachers knew how she was feeling but they didn't work very well. She is able to say how she is feeling. However, she says to the family that she likes it there. Now things have escalated to where she is hurting her arms at school and I just cannot understand how to stop this. The thing that frustrated me personally is this is nothing like how she was before starting there, but I don't know if it's right just thinking, well move her back to where she was, in case for whatever reason it carries on. She hasn't been doing any of the after school clubs until recently, when I made a point of her trying art club, which she really enjoyed (she chose to do a lot of clubs at her previous school) And now the teachers and I are encouraging her to take up another exercise club. I'm enrolling her into a gym with a friend next week and the doctor is calling me after his surgery had finished this evening. I just feel helpless and extremely confused with things people are saying to me

It sounds to me like she is looking for attention, do you know why she would be? Because if she seems fine at home then I doubt it is anything at home. Has she made friends okay? Because maybe she feels the need to get attention in order to make friends. I hope everything turns out okay for you and DD x

Yes the cases I've known have mostly been friendship based.

It's possible she got a following and popularity for being the uniform infringer. It's hard to stop because the alternative feels like it can be lonely. Doesn't mean she likes being that person though. The harming could come from this - a feeling she has to behave a way to maintain status but behaving that way isn't natural.

Every case I've known the kids have changed schools and no issues have followed.

Thank you. She is happy and her usual self at home. Nothing's changed at all in that aspect. She doesn't spend much time in her bedroom alone and she doesn't have any ICT an hour before bed. She gets grumpy times before her period is due but nothing concerning at all. If it wasn't for the teachers obviously informing me, I would never have suspected a thing. She's made some close friends but the teachers did say she struggled for a while with all the other girls. I questioned bullying etc as a possible cause to look into but they say that's not the case. It's definitely negative attention but I just can't understand why and to be honest, I'm not even sure she may know why. I personally think it's been a huge change from what she was used to, and starting her period and her body changing etc (,which the dr previously agreed with before she started hurting her arms) but it's going too far

Have yiu talked to her about going back to her old school OP?

Untangled by Lisa Damour Phd might help you to understand the situation a little better too

I'm definitely looking into moving her back as an option and have made steps in phoning admissions to make sure there's a space available. There's no waiting list at present. I'm just wanting to make sure it's the best decision which obviously I won't know until it happens. I was thinking of riding it out until end of Summer term unless it gets even worse, to give that little extra time with interventions, to see if she settles better. I wish I was a fly on the wall at school, because both my daughter and school say it's not friendship based. I'm not feeling too confident about that though

I have spoken to her about moving back yes. I said I don't care where she is as long as she's happy and confident like she used to be. I said I didn't care about the money etc etc and she said she likes it where she is and doesn't want to go back. So frustrating. I know she feels very proud when she's wearing the uniform. I have questioned whether it's status related but I just don't know

I don’t really have any useful advise beyond what you’re already doing op but wanted to say hope all works out for you and your dd.

Thank you very much. I guess I just didn't want to leave out anything I could be doing as extra. Thank you everyone for responding. I really appreciate it

My experience of grammars is that they have very strict uniform policies which will have come as a shock coming to them later. She might be trying to take on the role of “tough lass from the comp down the road.”
What does she say to the suggestion of moving back?

Was her old school an indie?

I'm wondering if she's gone from small school with great pastoral care to a large grammar and it's overwhelming?

These are all great suggestions as I'm convinced it's a factor of a lot of these things. She went to a small nursery and first school and then on to a feeder middle school, she was with all her friends since nursery, so it's a big thing. We found that at the middle school, because their first school was so small and they all went to nursery together, that they didn't mix very well and just all stayed together, the parents say they've only just started really mixing with the others who came from larger schools. Teachers were brilliant though. So a lot of pastoral care right from the beginning, although grammar is supposed to provide great pastoral care, which they do in a way but I think they're going about it in a negative way and 'feeding the monster so to speak. The doctor agreed (Just been on the phone to him) He's looking into the fastest route of councilling as something at school is clearly distressing her. He said it could be something as little as them taking her bands away from her wrist and fidget toy, which she could have already been using as a coping mechanism, and she is to be allowed to wear a band on her wrist or have a fidget toy to distract herself in a way that doesn't cause harm. I'm feeling a little better after reading everyone's comments and speaking again with the doctor

My ds wears those plastic bands on his wrist - he was told to remove them one day just before an exam. He literally fell apart and didn't write a word.

Ds has asd and it's amazing what things calm him and reduce his anxiety that seem such silly things to others. What's worse is sometimes they think he's being a brat about it

As long as a child learns and does the best they can and doesn't disrupt others, then I don't see why all these things are made such a big deal. They aren't all one person and each child's individual needs should be met. That's inclusion, which is a basic standard of education. I think they go too far sometimes and are a little unrealistic. The pressures put on them already, in fact from as early as reception are now ridiculous. I'm really not surprised such a growing number have mental health troubles