17 year old DD had a boy sleeping over

[Cherk9800]

Hi my youngest 17 DD had had lots of issues with anxiety and self harm she got mixed up with a really bad relationship that nearly had her expelled from school and dabbled with weed.

But she recently had become much more happy and moving on things were going great - then a new boy started to appear - she had a few friends sleep over he was one of them that was fine there was a mix of girls and boys after a night out.

This boy then came over and they spent time together - she asked me if he could stay over - I said is he a special boy adn she said yes but we are not putting a label on us.

So I agreed - she has an older sister who has boyfriends stay over Im comfortable with boyfriends staying.

We then dont see this boy again - he makes no effort to come over after passing his driving test - I asked if everything OK she said yes we are just not rushing.

Last night he gave her a lift home from work and I said please ask him in for tea - but he just left. I quizzed her and said its not really on he sleeps over and then he doesnt come in to meet us again. She updated me they are not going out and he is just finished a long term relationship and doesn't want things to be simple and they are hoping to be a couple in the future.

I told her that I am a bit upset and boys should only stay over if you are together and she lost it with me saying I knew they were not and nothing happened she just needed the company.

I tried to explain that having a boy sleep in your room is something only when you in a committed relationship and she had put me on the spot and I thought he was - I asked her not to ask again to have him sleep until they are in that sort of relationship and its not acceptable to have boys sleep in your room if you are not 'together'

She is so unhappy with me and says Im being unfair and again I said his is v v welcome and I want to get to know him and he can stay over once their relationship is at that stage.

She is sulking and refusing to speak to me - Im scared Ive pushed her back to her problems - have I been unfair or wrong now after the event - just dont know what to do

Thank you for reading

Ds 16 currently has a casual relationship and it's not easy!! But better you strive to maintain your relationship with her over her relationships with others!! As hard as it is these days young adults are conducting different styles of relationships!! Acknowledge you respect her choice and support her. Better she tells you than sneak around surely?

It's so hard - as feel it's wrong to sleep together or have a boy stay overnight if your not in a established relationship.

She is hardly speaking to me I've tried to approach the subject again but she just shut me down saying I don't want to talk about it.

God I feel I've just messed up totally with this maybe I was to over the top

I'm so so worried about her but I still can't agree to her thinking that I will allow this again until he and she are more than casual friends or what not putting a label on it means

So worried

well I do see what you mean...

Boys who 'don't want a relationship' but do want sex are generally users, with no consideration for the girl, and it is good to tell her this.

On the other hand you don't want communication to break down...

I've googled the phrase not putting a label on it - it's a modern way to say no commitment or strings but all the extras In a nutshell is this what young people do so in her mind she did tell me - I thought the phrase meant not going all public about us being together

What do other mums feel About this status of labelling ? Have I over reacted

Is it possible that he was sleeping over as a friend and they were not actually having sex? If so, how was that wrong? Or any more wrong than having a female friend sleep over for a bit of support?

I think you have overreacted a bit. Maybe she thought it was going to become more than it has etc She cant be blamed if she thought it was going to get serious and then it didnt. How do you expect her to know that the boys she sleeps with (if indeed she did sleep with him) are deffo going to pan out long term? I mean that is not her fault is it? I also dont think that you should make her feel like she always has to be committed long term to the people she sleeps with if it turns out her feelings change or she just doesnt want to be. Surely her agency is the most important issue? That she only does what she actually wants to do... not that she conforms to some standard that you have set her using what you would want from a relationship as a template.

I understand you might be worried that hes using her or stringing her along but I do think you have reacted in a bad way here. I dont think your reaction is actually going to help her and less pressure on her to 'get it right' might be beneficial.

Some good advice thank you for taking time I have to reply

I have friends refuse to allow boyfriends or girlfriends to stay over under any circumstance until they r in a very long relationship I thought I was being more open minded but I really do struggle with the sleeping over if your not actually together does that make me just really old fashioned ?

She isn't just not speaking to me at all - I've sent her a message saying I'm sorry if I over reacted and I didn't understand the meaning on the label thing and that I'm sorry should I just leave her alone now

The “only committed boyfriend” thing is enforced in this house because of a much younger sibling, (who worships dd’s boyfriend.) I think it’s fine to say you’ll make an effort for a partner, but if she wants a string of casual shags you don’t want to be tripping over them of a morning. They ARE young, chances are the early relationships won’t last, that doesn’t mean they don’t matter.