Possible Aspergers

[ichifanny]

Hi there here it goes , many years of worry and stress and finally snapped today at my 14 year old sons behaviour . He’s not badly behave don’t in anyway he’s just passive and refusing to socialise in any shape or form outside of school and it’s become a great source of worry now .
I’ve long suspected he had high functioning autism , clinging onto the hundreds at nursery , very professor like talking very early but never really seemed like a toddler ,preferred adult company , couldn’t play with peers or any imaginative play .
He has been increasingly socially awkward since he started school but it’s so much more obvious he’s turned 14 he seems to have no concept of anyone else or anything going on outside his bedroom , prefers to be ‘ alone’ and doesn’t seem to have any interest in anything outside of games he plays .he doesn’t appear depressed just sort of passive .
He’s doing amazingly academically but I’m starting to worry I have failed him by not pushing for diagnosis , I was only 22 when I had him and anytime I suggested something was wrong I was told by relatives I should ‘ leave him alone’ and nothing was wrong .
Any advice ? I seriously worry about how he will manage socially .

Corrected into counting into the hundreds

My son has high functioning autism, lovely lad - probably immature for his age but mainstreamed throughout school. He was diagnosed when he was 6. Am I glad I got it done? Yes. But has it made any difference in his life? No, we were sent away with a folder 11 years ago with a diagnosis and that was it. I hope it has given him answers, he's not like other lads of his age and I sometimes grieve for that. He has no friends but he's happy.

We've gone down the line that theres nothing wrong with him, he can't use it as any excuse but he is different, somethings are different good and somethings are different not so good. For all the differences and diagnosis he is who he was always going to be, no amount of support or workshops would change that. Ask yourself who are you doing this for, you may get answers but not the support you are looking for.

Sounds exactly like my ds. Never been diagnosed with Asperger but have suspected it. As said above even with a diagnosis, nothing will change. You just have to accept that they are who they are and try to support and encourage the best way you can. Good luck!

Thanks so much Sammy and ishouldnt that’s what I was wondering if it would make any difference at this age and would I regret putting so much pressure on him getting a diagnosis , my biggest fear a him growing up and thinking I didn’t care enough to pursue a diagnosis .

Have you spoken to him about it? At 14 my son knew he didn’t want to go down that route. We did look into it but they wanted to involve school and he didn’t want that. I find it very difficult that my 18 yo doesn’t come out of his room except for school and food. And then there’s the bullying. I worry so much about the future. He’s off to uni in September and I have no idea how he’ll cope! Then after that - will he ever get a decent job? It’s one worry after another.

I’ve mentioned it I don’t think he’d be that happy about it as it would involve giving him attention he wouldn’t like , yeah I worry about the future

I think you have enough to worry about. Honestly I wouldn’t worry about a diagnosis. Not unless it’s something he wants. It won’t change anything. As long as he’s happy? I’m never sure with my ds. He says he is but I have my doubts.

Thanks for replying to me , nice to hear from someone going through the same .

Yes it does make you feel less isolated. Friends mean well but they don’t understand him. They say I should make him do things. Like he refuses to get on a bus. I listened once to a friend who said make him get the bus home from school as I was struggling one day to get there as I had a job interview. He didn’t get the bus. He walked. It took him 2 hours. I was frantic by the time he got home. Especially as he had to walk over the bridge where he attempted suicide 2 years ago. Listen to your own instincts. As long as he knows you’ll always be there for him it will work out.

I'm HFA and from experience autistic traits manifest much more in teenage years.

Due to my experience and diagnosis our 10 yo DD will have autistic assessment soon

OP I strongly recommend you do this asap for your teenager

Ds got a diagnosis when he was 9, it has meant little support because he is high functioning. At 14, ds will even refuse to acknowledge it, he refuses to believe there is anything different about him. The diagnosis was awkward and embarrassing for him. 14 year olds are emotionally fragile, I wouldn't bother unless you can figure out how a diagnosis would help or positively change things.

I'm going to politely disagree with posters who don't think a diagnosis is needed. My son is in primary school and diagnosed HFA. He received no extra support now as it's not needed, however his consultant expressly told me he will likely need emotional support help when he is in secondary or university to deal with his peers more advanced social expectations and managing workload.

We have great charity support locally which supports this need in teenagers but I know the children need a diagnosis in order to access it (as need is so great). I do think it is worth pursuing a diagnosis, although I admit it was heartbreaking to read about your child's negative traits. Very very hurtful, but necessary.

It was hurtful for Ds to have his negative traits talked about so openly, not me I’d seen them for years - it was hard for him to face them while he was at primary and his awareness was low, now he is s teenager things are very different - he does not want to have any labels, does not wish to really about his medical conditions with anyone...it’s the combination of fragility of emotions of a 14 year old and the frank discussions that need to be had for diagnosis that make me say 14 years old is not the right time - unless you need to access help and you know it’s only available on diagnosis.

My son is 11 and has a diagnosis of Aspergers . To be honest , once you get the diagnosis you don't get much support but at least you know what your child is going through and you can try and get him as much help and support as possible .