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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage son won’t do anything apart from play computer games!!

28 replies

Pinkyshiny44 · 30/03/2018 17:51

I’m looking for a bit of advice! My 15 year old son is only interested in playing computer games, when he isn’t on the PC he is staring at his phone. We have daily restrictions on the amount of screen time and he fights and protests about it everyday. We are now off for two weeks (I’m a teacher!) and he is already having a fit about his PC time restricted during this time. I’m at my wits end as he won’t do anything, won’t go out, see friends or socialise in anyway! He is the major cause of arguments in our house as well, normally when he can’t go on a device and winds up his brothers! Any advice or help would be gratefully received!!!

OP posts:

Labradoodliedoodoo · 30/03/2018 17:55

No chores equals no screen time in my house.

Paperdolly · 30/03/2018 18:08

He has an addiction that needs addressing and the quicker the better. It's your house. You set the rules and stick to them. You have a duty of care not to give in to a moany teenager and teach him some life skills. He'll thank you for it later.

GreenTulips · 30/03/2018 18:10

I'm enforcing family days or theatre type trips

They still enjoy the animal parks etc

Usually I promise chips if they walk the dog then we end up at the chippy - if they don't come I take the wifi box instead! Keeps me company

Hellsbellscockleshells · 30/03/2018 18:23

No solutions just sympathies OP 💐. I have a 14 year old DS who is pretty much the same here. He is addicted to silly meaningless games on his iPad and phone. If we ask him to feed the dog, have his breakfast, get dressed or basically any request is met with grumpyness, in a minute and he isn’t interested in anything much at the minute other than fort nite or tapped out. Most of his friends are away this holiday which isnt helping and MIL is coming to visit tomorrow. We could have all enjoyed a nice day away from the hous today but instead he has played on his game, been awkward, argumentative and grumpy. He walked the dog reluctantly but it took him an eternity to leave his game and get dressed (the work was very short) but that is the only thing he has done to help the family today. It’s made worse as I feel stressed and on a short fuse as it is trying to get the house sorted and not looking forward to the next week as she is staying for a whole week. I feel so fed up DH isn’t much help he’s tried to reason with him and threatened to remove his iPad and hitch he should have done but got into a heated debate which ended up with DS in tears shouting leaving the room saying it’s my iPad bought with my own money you can’t take it off me. Then DH saying neither of the DC respect us which is true so I shouldn’t cook for them, wash their clothes or anything. It’s been a rubbish day here too OP.

LynetteScavo · 30/03/2018 18:24

Turn off the Internet and go out (with the router) He can either come with you, or not.

JessicaJonesJacket · 30/03/2018 18:30

In our home, at the start of every holiday we all need to come up with a list of things to do. One suggestion for each day. It can be creative. It can be meeting friends. It can be visiting a certain museum or activity place. Then we pool all the ideas together and make a timetable for the break.
Yy they will want to game all the time but they can't. At least the list makes them think about other ways to pass the time and gives them a sense of ownership over how they spend their holiday.

ourkidmolly · 30/03/2018 18:46

It's entirely typical I'm afraid. I have absolutely no advice.

LonginesPrime · 30/03/2018 18:49

Turn off the Internet and go out (with the router)

Or you could just change the wifi password.

user1467232073 · 30/03/2018 18:51

Sympathies to you. I have girls; just as much as a pain in the backside in relation to phones and lack of motivation! Lots of arguments, I get very upset about the way I’m spoken to. Constant battles!! 🙄

LockedOutOfMN · 30/03/2018 18:53

Keep up with the time limits and set chores to be done each day, preferably ones that involve going outside (dog walking, bins/recycling, buying bread/milk, hanging out laundry, posting a letter). Insist on meals eaten with family and no screens at the table (if these aren't rules already).

Fairylea · 30/03/2018 18:54

When you say you restrict him, how much is too much? This sort of thing is completely normal in this age group. I don’t mean to sound mean but their phones and computers etc are how they socialise and talk to each other, I feel for teens who have really tough restrictions on these things because it does impact them socially at school (I have a 15 year old dd and I also have a very close family member who is a head of year of the same age group).

I think not allowing screen time unless they have done their chores and had a walk / outing for at least an hour a day is reasonable but beyond that I think you’re fighting a losing battle.

Original poster

Pinkyshiny44 · 30/03/2018 19:19

Thanks for all your replies. We restrict him to 2.5hrs a day which I think is excessive but I totally understand that that is how he communicates with his friends so I can limit it too much. He has to do some form of exercise daily and has to hand in his phone at 9pm. I think we are pretty lenient but he thinks we are fascists!! He has spent the whole day lying on the sofa moaning as he doesn’t want to use his time yet! Offers to take him to the cafe, go to gym etc have been rejected! I think I’m going to start taking the modem with me!

OP posts:

Hellsbellscockleshells · 30/03/2018 22:35

Unfortunately DH is the Techniclal whizz I have no idea how it all works. He has set up something where they both seem to have a goodly amount of internet time on phones as part of a package. He now has the iPad turning WIFI off at 8pm within the last couple of weeks which is fab.

pimlicolife · 30/03/2018 22:38

Oh I think that's quite strict to be honest

orangesmartieseggs · 30/03/2018 23:02

That's barely anything - especially during school holidays.

I think you're being very strict and a bit unfair really.

Fairylea · 30/03/2018 23:17

Sorry but I think that is way too strict!

For comparison, we have no limits on screen time for dd aged 15 except that she has to plug her gadgets in downstairs at 10.30 so she isn’t on them all night and she has to come out for a walk / do something with us each holiday day even if it’s just to Tesco and back.

If I said she could only go on her iPad or iPhone 2.5 hours a day and give it up at 9pm she would be absolutely miserable and miss out terribly on gossip and social things.

moodyblues · 30/03/2018 23:22

Handing the phone in at 9.00 for a 15 year old does seem harsh.

leccybill · 30/03/2018 23:33

Tbf I'm an adult and a parent - I've been to an egg hunt today, cleaned my house, got the food shopping, went to the park - and I've still probably been on my phone for more than 2.5 hours

That's fine for evenings after school, maybe say 4 hours in the holidays?

Is he in Year 10 or 11? If Y11 much of the holidays should be spent on exam revision.

Original poster

Pinkyshiny44 · 31/03/2018 08:19

We do give him more time on a Saturday and he can earn time by doing something active on other days, however I do take the point about it being a bit stingy in the holidays. He does have his phone all day though so I’m not a total cow! He has got mock exams coming up so I could combine screen time with revision!
Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:

Inkspellme · 31/03/2018 08:43

I don’t think that’s harsh. I think it’s adequate for him to keep in contact socially and think 9pm is a good time to come off it before bed. 10.30 is too late. My ds has to put down phone at that time.

My ds is 15 too and would spend all day on one screen or another if we let him. I don’t have a set time limit that he knows of but I do tell him to come off the games and do something else for a while. Luckily he is big into LEGO (wants to be an engineer) so can be told “no screens - you need to find something else to do” and he will get stuck into that instead. His dad will also take home for a cycle every couple of days (30km or so). He also has his first state exams this year (we live in Ireland) so can be told to practice a practical or do a past paper.

There’s also a dog walking rota going that he needs to take part in.

It all adds up to limiting his screen time - some activities he likes and some are just necessary.

Can you get your ds to have friends over or get him to meet them? Could they do something together? Go-karting or something? Any local youth clubs around? Drag him on family visits where he might be too embarrassed to act up? Generally reduce the time he’s on screens?

Maybe he’d find this just too boring but my ds and dd (aged 20) would drop all screens for a good board game (adult ones like dungeon and dragons or others in that type).

The tantrums I would ignore. Impose the limit and ignore any behavior which implies it’s up for debate. I would give a warning that if he didn’t stop there would be no WiFi the next day. And stick to it. It won’t make him happy about the rule but might make him accept that there is little choice in the rule.

BrownTurkey · 31/03/2018 09:09

How about taking the approach ‘if you can show me that you can balance gaming with family time/exercise/study/chores/other interests, then the console can stay, but if not, it goes’. Set out expectations and mean it. Because ultimately you want him to be able to self limit. I wouldn’t necessarily remove phone at 15.

PurpleWithRed · 31/03/2018 09:18

It depends on whether there is a problem at school, or if this is just how he is.

DS is 28; he was like this from a child and he still is. However, he has stable and happy, earns a good salary, is independent, doesn’t drink, take drugs or get girls pregnant. He has a large pot of savings, lives in a shared flat with his one RL friend but could buy a flat of his own whenever he wanted to. He has a large and well developed social network online; plays in established teams in the same way he would if he were playing footie.

He has other ‘on the spectrum’ symptoms - is a poor socialiser, lacks empathy, and is poor at picking up social cues and clues; and has a very sensitive palate (ie can discriminate tastes that I can’t get close to).

I have learned to accept that this is who he is. Compared to some other people’s ‘normal’ kids and the trouble they’ve got in to there are worse ways to be.

crimsonlake · 31/03/2018 09:24

I have been through this with 2 teenage sons, however I agree with others and think your restrictions are being too harsh. He is possibly nearly 16 and needs to be given the independence to self limit. You may see it as having impact on his revision but you cannot force them to revise regardless of whether he has his phone/ games. Mine are now both at university.

Raven88 · 31/03/2018 09:31

Change the WiFi password daily and only give him gaming time if she completes chores/activities with friends or family. Or take the fuse out the next plug and only replace it when he is allowed to play.

Chimchar · 31/03/2018 10:07

Is he chatting and playing with friends online? I don't mind my kids doing that...it's as good as being in a room together and socialising imo.
I think that the 2.5 hours isn't much either...and it's his holiday time, his time to relax, unwind, get some time out from life etc.... if it's combined with doing a few chores, and some outdoor exercise, then I'd let him carry on.

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