help - my dd has been self harming

[afraid]

i'm a regular but have changed my name for this. My dd is 13 and I have just discovered that she has cut herself on two occasions - once on the arm with a knife (only scratched the surface of her skin) and again with scissors - she has about 10 scratches on her arm.

She has been in the full throes of puberty for over a year now, but her teenagery behaviour has intensified over the last few weeks - and she is in that awful black hole that I still remember so well myself from when I was about her age.

She's also been smoking regularly and displaying all the usual stroppy teenager characteristics.

I have been at the end of my tether and not coping very well (I'm a single parent). Her dad and I are not on the best of terms, but we have spoken about this and are both extremely worried, obviously. I have tried to talk to dd but she won't tell me why she has done it - tbh I doubt she knows herself, she just feels awful.

I feel that we need professional help/advice particularly re the self harming - I'm terrified she will do it again or something even worse

does anyone know of any organisations that could offer advice/support?

Off tht top of my head possible connexions although I dont know how immediate they would be. SPeak to her school who will be able to put her and you in touch with local organisations.

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They have a counsellor who has individual sessions with certain pupils in my school and also through this offer support from other organisations.
Also go to your gp for help.

thank you hercules, whymummy and essbee, I'll look into those X

I know it is a huge worry - both my brothers self harmed but it is not that unusual. Several kids at my school self harm in this way.

afraid, I have worked with young people that self-harm as a counsellor, so I hope that I can be of some use...

It's important not to panic about cutting: it is a coping strategy and not that different to, for example, over-eating or misuse of drugs...not that these are to be taken lightly, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that self-harm can seem an extremely dramatic thing that induces real fear in the client's loved ones...it's important to keep things in perspective a bit, although i know it's almost impossible as a parent.

Did your teenager volunteer the information that she cuts herself, or have you put two and two together?

Depending on where you live there are some excellent youth counselling services out there, I would not hesistate in recommending this as a good route for your dd to take...however, she absolutely needs to want to do this herself, trying to pressure her into it is imo extremely counterproductive...so it's quite a delicate situation..

If you can talk to her without making your fear and upset too much the centre of the conversation, but rather focussing on what it does for her when she cuts herself (rather than why she does it) and looking at if there is anything else that could offer the relief or disassociation or escape that might be less self-destructive that would be a good way of approaching things. thing is that it is unlikely that she will want to talk to you about this as you are her mum...so is there someone else, like a friend of yours that she trusts that she could talk to...

it's a horrible situation, most important of all it's really really important that you don't blame yourself for this, it's not your fault, you are not a bad mother...you are a good mother, you obviously care for your dd and are extremely concerned for her wellbeing...

do contact me if you want to talk some more

xxx

Afraid, the Mental Health Foundation and/or Mind both might be worth approaching.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

a particularly good organisation is:-

• the Bristol Crisis Service for Women which has some resources on self-harming - their url is: www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/ and in particularly you may wish to look at their leaflet with suggestions on how best to deal with someone who self-harms:- www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/leaflets/helpresp.htm

I'm sorry that your and your dd are going through this. Best of luck to you both

thanks again everyone, I particularly found the Bristol Crisis Service for Women link reassuring and helpful, thanks m2s. I will also contact my local youth counselling service.

She's just dreadfully unhappy. When I went to say goodnight to her last night she was laying face down on her bed sobbing. It was one occasion when she was willing to let me give her a hug.

Afraid, I suffered from depression as a teenager and I cut myself. For me (and I think it's quite common) the reason was to get all the feelings into a more tangible pain that I was in control of and could deal with myself. I was suicidal at some stages, but the cutting was never an attempt to kill myself, just a coping strategy. It must be horrifying to witness it from a parent's point of view. I'm sure some of the organisations you've been directed to will be able to offer you lots of support, but meanwhile just be there for your daughter and know that there's lots of people here for you.

ive changed my name just to say this. i use to cut myself. at times it was because i just wanted to die, but most of the time, it just made me feel better. i had so many worries, and i suffered from depression for two years. i didnt talk to my mum or anyone about what i was going through. my mum didnt realise that i was really down and upset, and just thought i was moody and made things worse by having a go at me on my behaviour.

I think (as well as trying to get in touch with organsiations) is to keep reassuring her that you're there for her, and that you are there to listen and help her. I know you've probably done this lots already, but keep it up. She probably feels like shes the only one in the world feeling how she feels, and may feel terribly lonely. Good luck xxx

stupidgirl, thanks for posting - what was your parents' response to your self harming? I suffered depression myself from the age of 12 onwards, but never cut myself. When we were talking last night I asked her if the cutting made her feel better and she said that the pain of the cutting was better than the pain of how she feels inside