Ds 13 always moaning about some ailment and trying to get off school. Driving me insane.

[fizzbuzz]

Every single morning ds moans about something trivial,eg leg hurts, stomach hurts, not enough sleep etc etc.

He says I am unsympathetic and don't beleive him, but I am sick of him crying wolf EVERY morning.

Have talked to him about it, and he says there is nothing troubling him at school, and he isn't doing it for attention. He says as his mother I should be interested in all his illness!!

Last week he managed to get round me for a day off because he hadn't slept well. This morning he was moaning about a stomach ache and not sleeping (he had a Chinese takeaway last night). I pointed out to him that I go to work with little sleep, and often with stomach aches etc. He started crying so I gave in. Am absolutely furious about it all.
Have had tears all morning which I refuse to respond to.

I know I shouldn't have given in and a lot of the anger is directed at myself, but I am really sick of it.

Even offered a star chart for the days he manages to make it to school with no moans. The problem is, even if he is ill, I no longer believe him anymore.

So, he is crying in is bedroom, because he feels guilty and wants me to go and sympathise with him, I am sat down here fuming, because I am sick to teeth of it all, and am also sick of discussing it all the time.

This is the first time I have ever seriuosly been pissed off with him in his life

Any advice

Hmm, it's tricky, isn't it, because although it's infuriating if you know he's not really ill, there must be something troubling him.

Is he keeping up at school? Maybe he's trying to get out of a test he hasn't revised for or something.

I think I'd first of all ask his form tutor if she's noticed anything. Does he seem to have friends at school, is he falling behind with work, is he in with a bad crowd? It's so difficult to know what's going on at school once they're at secondary.

I think my inclination would be to look below the surface of this "illness" thing. You've been absolutely right not to pander to him, they're all lazy little buggers sometimes, but I reckon there's something going on.

Keep us posted.

Aw... it is very difficult, this sort of thing. My DS was doing this on a regular basis recently, and telling me that there was nothing going on school etc.

I then got a call from school saying he was so far behind on his coursework he was likely to fail all his GCSEs.

(see my thread - DS set to fail the lot - in the teenage section).

I bet your DS has something going on at school, like a previous poster said... behind on homework or similar.

My boy has been way better since I got heavy and made him complete his coursework... he now has that weight off his mind. Also, I now take him to school in the car since I found he was deliberately missing the bus and sneaking back home after I'd gone to work.

Turns out the bus was where he was suffering.

Have just had another long chat, during which I managed to keep my temper under control.

He is adamant that there is nothing troubling him at home or at school, he says just felt ill today, and was genuinely knackered last time he had a day off.......

Unfortunately I am always ill with lots of pathetic non serious things like, back trouble, insomnia, tennis elbow etc etc. I think he must get it from me .
However I was not like that at 13, and at 30 years older than him, feel I am allowed some illnesses FGS.

Ds is generally very placid and easy going, but not overly keen on school. Lazy IFKWIM . Now watching SpongeBob Square Pants and nagging for computer, so seems to have made full recovery

If your childrena re ill at school the school will send them home.

This is my mantra.

my kids get sent to school unless they are physically in plaster or bleeding from a gun shot wound made my rambo himself.

if school deem it appropriate i get a phone call.

I know he says that there is nothing troubling him but I would still have a word with the teacher.

Are you absolutely certain that he isn't being bullied either by anyone at school or on the way to school (or even a teacher)? He may not admit to it because he finds it embarassing.

I once looked after a boy who was always telling his parents he was ill and they let him have the time off school, an hour later he;d be fine but they never listened to me - I wish they have tried to find out more what was going on.

If he's off school, does he have to phone a classmate, find out what the homework was & do it? That's the policy at my ds's school and he's only had 1 day off since Sept, I think he think it's too much hassle if he has to do the work anyway.

Do you tell him when you're feeling under the weather? Maybe if you don't, he won't....

Have you tried explaining to him that if he wants to have money and afford to go on holidays, have xbox, skateboards (or whatever else appeals to him personally) in later life, he needs to go to university and to do that he needs to get good school results and how will he achieve that if he takes lots of time of work?

Then say that he is old enough to make his own decisions and if he wants to stay off school, that is fine provided he stays in the house all day. That's what my parents did when I was around this age and after 3 or 4 weeks of bunking off on Thursdays (double maths followed by double latin followed by double craft/design/technology), I was so bored at home by myself, I started going back to school.

Oh - and does it happen on a particular day or is it random?

Usually completely random. I have generally adopted FFF's approach. Go to school and they will send you home if ill.

Have lately been accused of never beleiving him when he is ill, hence the reason for backing off the last 2 times.

He dosn't have to phone a friend about homework, although he often does.

Have had yet another talk where he is still adamant that there is nothing wrong, and I don't think there really is.

I think he just wants to skive off every now and then and that is all there is too it.BUT it makes me angry.

Perhaps it is just me. I am a teacher, and always get pissed off with the kids who miss lots of days here and there, rather than a big lump of time, which would indicate a real problem

believing of course ....and from a teacher.........

Call his bluff. Tell him that you are very worried that all these minor symptons are indicative of a larger problem. Next time he feels bad enough to want to have a day off, threaten to take him down to the Doctors. Overplay it: I'll bet that he won't like the idea of loads of medical types poking & prodding his body and will get better very quickly!

Years ago when my DS was only young, he had Pneumonia, which took a long time to be diagnosed as my usual GP kept telling me nothing was wrong. I eventaully saw another GP and my DS was sent immediately to hospital. They couldn't believe he was coping as well as he was when he was ill.
Of course I was furious with the 1st GP, and myself for not believing my son. I even sent him to school in tears, telling him there's nothing wrong with him, and that he;sjust putting it on I gave myself such a hard time about it for years after, feeling I was such a bad mother for not believing him

Anyway, my DS son learnt that his mum was a soft touch and boy did he try his luck for years and years, always complainging of some minor ailment or other. I'm ashamed to admit that I used to fall for it all the time in junior school and allow him time off (I would make him spend the day in bed and be as bored as possible..no tv, game console's etc), but now he's in Secondary school he does try his luck occasionally. And I just do what another poster says...."go to school and if your ill, they will call me". HE then accuses me of not believing him, but I just soothingly say, "of course I believe you son, but you can't miss any more schooling, now you're in High School".
He goes off an unhappy bunny but comes home totally forgetting he was feigning an illness that morning.

Just at times when you do let him off, make it boring for him. Don't let him watch the tv, make him lie in his bed all day with no company, only allow him downstairs for lunch then back up to bed. Don't let it be a nice experience. Honestly it worked mostly with my son, but just sometimes when he fancies a day off, he will ty it on.

Send him in.

If he is ill they will phone you.

If he is so ill he can't be in school, he is in bed, all day. Too ill for school, too ill for TV, play stations etc

Bore them back to school.

Works in our house

Actually, this has reminded me of when I kept faking illness simply because I didn't like school (Prob. about 11). I always said I had a sore tummy. My mum took me to the GPs who prescribed 24 starvation, ie just water for a whole 24 hours. It was hell, and I never faked again!!

Wychbold, he always wants to go to doctors! I have taken him about pain in the neck, pain in the ankles, pain in the knees, and am embarrased to take him there again, because it is always nothing in the end...

I have always sent him in in past come what may, and told him the school will phone me, but after being accused of never believing him, I did back down.

Will definitely try boredom approach, but I am usually at work, so don't have much control in that area I'm afraid.

He was much perkier this morning and didn't moan as he said he had a good night's sleep, which I find unbelievable as dd was screaming her head off for about 2 hours.

This has all come on in last 12 months, and there is definitely a touch of hypochondria about it. However my mum died last year, and his great grandma died a couple of months ago. Also other people we know have died and I wonder if it is to do with that. I suspect that that has spooked him a bit.

My 12 year old has just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and I have had fibromyalgia for 10 years. Your little boy is describing all the symptoms. Look on the Fibromyalgia association for details, but the symptoms are unrefreshing sleep, painful joints and muscles, difficulty concentrating at school etc. It is quite a similar illness to ME. Please get this checked out, I have just registered today so that I can reply to your post because it all sounds so familier. I hurt all over on many mornings, my elbows, knees, wrists and ankles are worst, but it varies from person to person. Children any age can get it, but not all gps are up to speed on this illness so research it yourself first.
It is an invisible illness, sufferers look perfectly well.
Hope this helps you both.

"Wychbold, he always wants to go to doctors! I have taken him about pain in the neck, pain in the ankles, pain in the knees, and am embarrased to take him there again, because it is always nothing in the end... "

Oh dear- so my theory is no use then. I was assuming that your DS was like mine: he hates it when I try to do any physical checks on him (cutting toenails, checking cleanliness of fingernails/teeth, inspecting for splinters etc). I still have to do these things because he wouldn't do them, if left to himself.

You say that he is 13 yo: is he simply suffering from growing pains?

fizzbizz, your OP sounds like one of mine a while back, right down to boy crying wolf I started the thread in the parenting section some time ago ( last post was in February). Thread was called 'My 12 year old son is ill such a lot - low pain threshold, attention seeking, serious health problem, or just bad luck?' I MUST learn how to do links!!

Anyway, very much the same problems as you but things seem to be on the up. In the autumn term of Year 8, my son was off sick for about 20 school days, though admittedly 12 of those were due to mumps (diagnosed by GP). In the spring term he was off school for two half days - docs appointments - and 2 full days, over the whole term, so much more respectable. So far this term he has been off for 1 day.

I reached a low point when on the VERY FIRST DAY of the spring term, ds announced he had an earache, after feeling perfectly well for the two week christmas holiday. OK he has ear problems but it's amazing how they tended to only happen during school days.

Anyway I digress. What I did at the beginning of the spring term was get the GP to have a serious talk to my son about keeping going if pain is slight, now he is 13 years old - not expecting to feel 100% fresh and alert and totally pain free before he can go to school.

I also promised to give my son calpol meltlets to take to school every day. Any pain and he was to take a meltlet and wait for half and hour so it took effect. Only then was he allowed to go to the sick room and ask to be collected.

If he woke up in pain I would expectd him to take pain killers first, then wait to see the effect. Again only if painkillers had no effect could he stay off school.

If he woke up feeling tired or sick, I would be pretty determined in getting him to go to school, saying I would collect him later if he was still ill.

If he really resisted that, and I suspected he might be a bit out of sorts, I'd wait at home with him for an hour or two to see if he still felt bad. If he was seeming to recover, he would go into school late. Sometimes a later start in the morning was all that was required. Not ideal but better to miss the first two lessons of the day than all eight of them. And IME it is harder to keep up any pretence of being sick if you have to do it in front of your mum for a good few hours.

I also said (and I know I may get slated for this by MB)ds and I agreed that he was allowed two 'rest and relaxation' days a term as long as he took little or no time off for being sick.

These were days when he could catch up with sleep - no questions asked. My son does quite a lot of extracurricular stuff ( sports and drama at local theatre) and sometimes things can get really busy for him.

There was a three week period towards the end of last term when he was reheasing a play all day sats and sundays, doing 2 or 3 long evening rehearsals and still doing all the school stuff. He didn't miss any days at school but held on to the promise of two rest days which he chose to take on a Thursday and Friday when the play opened.

Ds seems a lot better about going to school regularly. He does still get grumpy some mornings but is careful to not 'squander' his two R&R days for this term.

He also admits that things are much better if he is at school most of the time - he now sees how easy it is to get out of the swing of things, miss out socially and get confused about what homework he has, just by missing lots of days here and there.

Well that gives me hope, willl try some of those ideas.

He is off again............but genuinely has a temperature this time....

Hi fizzbuzz. I've had this on and off with ds1 from when he was in yr2 until half way through yr7.

I got the school nurse involved when he was in yr5. She was brilliant and explained that - although the physical symptoms were very real to him - the problem lay with separation anxiety. Actually leaving home and walking out of the door. Once he was at school (often having thrown up on the doormat or on the way to school) he was fine.

She taught him distraction techniques. Basically he had to think of something that made him feel very happy, secure and safe. It could even be something like watching an episode of the Simpsons or eating a Mc Donald's. In ds1's case, he thought of walking in a beatiful garden.

Then, whenever the tummy aches started or he was feeling worried - he had to 'play the tape' in his head and imagine the 'happy scene' in minute detail.

This has worked a treat for us.

Ds regularly used to moan to me about his sore heels , knees, legs etc - especially when any walking was required. I was convinced he was over reacting. About 2 years after this started I mentioned it to the doctor just as an afterthought. It turned out he had quite intense pain in his heels which was eventually treated with orthotic inserts in his shoes and physio.
Guilty mum!!!!!

I think it is important to have regular visits to the GP if there are any persistant physical problems - my last message didn't really make that clear. I sound a bit too heartless and I am not like that really, honest! Even if the GP finds nothing, I think it's reassuring to go and ask for more tests if suitable.

I am not entirely convinced I have got to the bottom of why my son complained of illness so often. He may well see an osteopath about his painful knees (I had some excellent advice from Freckle and others about this on my previous thread). At the moment I am seeing how things go, simply because ds seems to be managing better.