Losing my Daughter

[TheSacredCow]

My DD is 18.5, she was the light of my life. I’ve been a single parent since she was 11 and we have been really close. DD came out as gay when she was 16 and had a GF who I welcomed to the family and really liked. However, they only saw each other at school (6th Form) and DD only sees her friends at school too, as they don’t live locally and must of them are very studious and don’t go out much. DD has been very studious and is predicted straight A’s in her A-Levels and we have spent the summer looking at Russel Group Universities, which she has chosen, and we were about to apply.

Since January, DD has started going out with some local young people in our village, which I was pleased about as I thought she was probably quite lonely. On March 15th, DD announces she is no longer gay, she has a boyfriend. I am shocked but pleased for her. Since then, I have not coped well. DD has not spent a single night on her own since March 15th. She mostly sleeps at her BF’s house, but she pushed me into letting him stay at ours last Thursday night, even though I had not met him and I felt reluctant. I noticed that his FB profile says he is in a relationship with another girl, and there is a picture of her wrapped around him. I asked DD about this and she said he has left it because his ex-GF is struggling to come to terms with the break up. DD says she and BF have been seeing each other for 5 weeks, but still the profile is there.

In addition, DD has said she does not want to leave BF to go to University and will either have a gap year (doing voluntary work!) or go to the local University which is considerably less prestigious than the Uni’s she has been looking at. I have told DD that I am disappointed, as I suspect if she has a gap year she won’t actually go to Uni, and I think she is making a mistake.

When BF left in the morning having stayed at our house last Thursday, I introduced myself, shook his hand and he then said “I am in a hurry”.

Yesterday, DD announced he was coming to stay again last night. I then said that I felt 2 nights per week was enough at our house, and that I thought spending every night with him was too much at this stage of the relationship, and DD said it was perfectly normal and everyone does it.

Due to a number of other awful things happening this week, I had a kind of breakdown, and went to my bedroom and cried the whole day. DD came to my room and said “are you OK?”, I said that I felt angry and upset and that I would prefer to stay quietly in my room rather than say things I might regret. She could still have BF round but I would not be around. DD then said “it feels as though you hate me” and I replied that I just felt overwhelmed, I’m worried she is making mistakes with her life but it is her life to do that with. DD then said “I’ll move out, then shall I?” I said “well you have BF now, why don’t you go and move in with him and his family?”

DD said “see you tomorrow, or maybe never again”. We have never had a disagreement like this, and I don’t want to lose her, but I am very unhappy with what she is doing and I don’t really like her BF, though I know I will have to bite my tongue and try and get on with him if DD and I are to stay in each others’ lives. DD could go to her fathers house but he is flakey and always in the pub and won’t really want her. I am worried I am messing up badly here and don’t know what to do.

Thank you, all for your continued support.

DD has now been in the relationship with her BF for 3 months. They still spend every night together and she will not accept that this is unusual for young people of their age and circumstances, in such a new relationship.

I have set boundaries that DD can sleep on her own in my house anytime she wants. It is her home and she is always welcome. However, if BF stays, he can stay 2 nights per week. As she cannot be parted from him, they are spending the rest of the week sleeping at either her father's house, but mostly his mother's home.

I spoke gently to DD about the loud sex, and this has not happened again. DD finished school last week and is now (supposedly) revising at home in the daytime whilst BF is at work.

I caught sight of DD's bank statement and it seems she has gone through almost £1k from her savings account over the last 3 months, paying for them to go out drinking, go away from a weekend, new clothes etc. She does not have much money left, has not done any work at her evening job, because she spends every evening with BF. I pay for her phone and car still.

It appears now that BF has had some sort of disagreement with his DM and he now has nowhere to sleep. I am sticking to my guns that he can stay 2 nights per week, so DD is now going to ask her father, who lives alone in a large 4 bed house, if they can now stay there for the rest of the week. If not, they will go into B & B. DD says that as soon as BF gets a flat with his mate, she will move in with them and contribute to the rent, though she has no income.

I would like to say to her that I think she really is making a mistake in dating a guy with zero prospects, she will end up throwing money away that she doesn't have on rent she doesn't need to pay, as she has a home with me, and that she would be best taking some time off from this relationship and concentrating on revision, it is less than 2 weeks to A level exams.

I doubt that would make any sort of impact though, as she is not listening to any advice I give, although our relationship is generally good. DD has dropped all of her friends, so there's no-one else for her to talk to other than BF. Perhaps there is nothing that I can do but watch. It just feels as though I'm letting her down by not doing or saying something.

Awful situation for you. Hopefully he will move on once the money runs out. It will break her heart but it will be a lesson learned. And hopefully it happens soon so she doesn't jeopardise her future beforehand.

Difficult. Make sure you look after yourself and have enough me-time, social time, fitness time etc in your own life, to be able to cope with whatever life throws at you the best way you can.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. So, it transpires that the BF's DM has asked him to pay more rent, and until he does that, DD cannot stay over at their house. This is understandable as DD was spending 4 or 5 nights per week there, eating their food etc.

At the weekend DD was bereft and crying because she could not spend the night with BF and she asked me if he could come and have his dinner at our house but not actually sleep there. He had already had is 2 nights at our house, and I knew that if I said yes, he wouldn't actually go home, and then, eventually, he would be in my home every night, and I just don't want that, so I said no.

DD was very upset and angry and we had a discussion, not shouting, and I did put my view to her that I think she is making a big mistake by turning down her University offer at a top Uni, and that I don't think her BF would make a great partner for her (and gave reasons why). This was probably not a good thing to do, but I feel I must say something rather than just go along with her plans, when I think they are bonkers.

DD said that all I think about is money and that I am a man hater. She said that she has outgrown our house and that she has hated living with me for the last few years. She is planning to move out into a flat with her BF and his mate, in the next couple of weeks and get a job in an old people's home. She says she has had more fun and met more interesting people than she ever has before.

I was upset at the time, but having reflected the rest of the weekend, I think this may be a good idea. DD has had a rather pampered life and I think she has a romantic idea of what life would be like living with two teenage boys, and having a manual minimum wage job.

I am now waiting for the dust to settle following our discussion on Friday, and plan to say that I will support her moving out and that the door will always be open for her to come back. Whether the boys will be able to raise a deposit and provide references to a landlord is a puzzle, but perhaps their parents will be standing guarantor.

At 18 you think you know everything and it is only when you reach middle age that you realise you actually knew very little!

Your intended course of action, is in my opinion, the correct one. Let her move out, making it clear that you love her and the door will always be open if she wishes to return. However, do not give her any money. If she is old enough to move out then she must provide for herself. She will probably be home again in 6 months.

You are dealing with this difficult situation very well.

It's so hard to accept that our children start living their lives for themselves when they become adults rather than following our guidance to ensure a fulfilling life especially when they had such a promising future.

She's in love and that's that. To be fair to her their relationship have grown and now seems normally committed.

You need to trust that she'll be fine because of all what you taught her and remember that she still has plenty of time to make a good start to her adult life. As you've said she might need to experience real life to motivate her and to be fair it is better to go to Uni because you really want to and see it as a mean to a goal rather than going because it is expected of her because she is clever.

How are things now thesacredcow? I haven't posted for ages, but your thread resonated with me as I went through almost exactly the same with my DD when she was sitting her A-levels. She pretty much moved in with her BF. We never let him come to our house because he dealt drugs. But I kept a good and supportive relationship going with DD. I actually suggested she move in with him because we were just arguing all the time about her never coming home and it was silly when she was old enough to leave home.
He took all her money - stole it half the time. We didn't give any extra (a small allowance) - so he was mainly taking money she earned from a part time job. On her 18th birthday he got her nothing - not even a card - and asked her to pay for his drinks!
The cracks began to show. It lasted about 10 months. She looks back in horror now. And she got to uni. And she's home loads and we have a fantastic relationship.
Hang in there - it'll sort out hopefully.

I just re-read that and think I should clarify!! He had a record for dealing drugs - one Off offence and was supposedly on the straight and narrow when we suggested she move in with him.
But it transpired later he was still dealing - I didn't know that at the time.

Thank you to all who have given advice and especially to Peebles1. I am so pleased that things worked out well for you and your DD, it really gave me some hope to read!

Unfortunately, I have not seen DD since Monday. Last week she and her BF had their two nights at my house as agreed. Because DD's father has now let out her room she cannot stay at his and BF's mother is asking for more rent and they can't stay there unless he pays.

So the two of them got a tent and they were staying in that last weekend at a local campsite. DD then contacted me to ask if BF could come to my house, even though they had had their two nights, and I said "no".

DD took this badly and she has barely spoken to me. She is not keeping in touch as she used to do and has not been home for two nights and I don't know where she is sleeping. I got the impression that the youngsters had not been able to rent a house (who would really let their house to 4 x 19 year olds?) so either BF has decided to pay his mother the rent she has asked for or they are still sleeping on the campsite.

DD has sat most of her exams now and although she attended school, she was out pubbing and clubbing at the weekend and with BF each evening, so I don't think she put any extra work into revision.

DS saw DD yesterday lunchtime in town with one of her friends, and they were going into a fairly expensive restaurant for lunch, as DS asked how she could afford this as she is not working.

I also gave DD £400 last week which I had promised her I would give her last year, as I am not taking her and a friend on a family holiday this year, as I normally do, because I thought she was going to Uni. The £400 is for her to pay for a holiday with one of her friends, but instead as she has met BF, she is supposed to be going with him, which I was OK with. I suspect she may be using the £400 for socialising.

I am now girding myself up to contact DD and offer to take her to lunch at the weekend, so that we can have a catch up. I need to find out where she is sleeping/living and if she is OK. I hope she won't reject me and refuse to meet, but I suspect she might, which will be hard to take.

DP says don't worry, she will be back when she needs something, and all other family members are really horrified by what is going on and are being supportive of me, but remain concerned for DD.

I don't think the BF is really bad, just that he is influencing DD to neglect her studies and party and spend money which she doesn't have. It is frightening how a teenager can change so quickly and just stop listening to the people who have loved them for their whole life.

I have also got an excellent book called "Get out of my Life but first take me and Alex to town" which is mainly concerned with dealing with younger teens, but there is a useful chapter about why teenagers act this way, become reckless and careless of their futures. It seems DD has rebelled later than most, which is doubly unfortunate as if under 18, there's more scope for parental intervention.

Thank you all, once again for your support!

It seems DD has rebelled later than most, which is doubly unfortunate as if under 18, there's more scope for parental intervention.

I've got a DD like this too. No issues until she started college where she hooked up with a lad. She did complete college (though did less well than she should have), and has started an apprenticeship.

We have gone down a non-facilitation route. If they want to move out and play happy families they can do, but we won't subsidise it, and won't act as guarantors until we can see via monthly saving they can both afford to pay their share. Since, a year since leaving college, BF doesn't have a fulltime job, that's not happening any time soon. Luckily they haven't gone down the camping route yet!

In the meantime, DD is getting frustrated by his lack of drive, so we are hoping eventually either they will split, or he will get a proper job. We don't mind much which it is.

It's heart-breaking isn't it? I wanted DD to have choices, but I rather hoped she'd make different ones!

Part of me is thinking how difficult this must be and how naïve and irritating the dd sounds.

Another part is thinking why is everybody talking about these people as if they were children who couldn't possibly move from home or decide to take some time out working at an ordinary job?

Plenty of HE institutions don't actually run to halls, so this is precisely what many 18/9 yo students do anyway: rent a house together. Dd is currently living in rented accommodation in London: everybody at her drama school has had to do the same and many of them came straight from A-levels. They met up and went to an estate agent. Nobody thought to tell the 18yos they couldn't do it. Though of course you do have to have the money... Which I hope you won't be giving her, OP.

Again, though I agree boyfriend doesn't sound much of a catch, I really don't seem the problem with the job per se: ime many people are better off not going straight to university. Dd did 2 years working as a barrista first - not because of boyfriend trouble but due to extreme competitiveness of course- and she says she is getting so much more out of her studies now.

If I were you, OP, I would simply stay very calm and unfazed and say "of course I understand you want to move from home now you're an adult, but I am afraid you are going to have to fund yourself". Just don't give her any money you wouldn't normally give her, let her sort herself out. Point out cheerfully that this is what adults do.

But don't feed her with doom-laden stories about how she is throwing her future away: she won't be throwing anything away just by waiting a year or two to go to university. She may be throwing more away by going while still very immature (speaking from experience as university lecturer).

I think you just need to love her. Be there for her and make suggestions but with no attachment to outcome

Just thought I'd come back in and update on this story, and thank those who posted for their support.

Although the story doesn't have an entirely happy ending (for me), things are massively improved between DD and I. I have managed to detach and accept DD's decisions and focus on my own life to a greater extent, whilst still being there for DD.

DD got through her A level exams and we are waiting for the results. One of the subjects went really badly, but the other two OK, she thinks.. After the exams, DD did some waitressing but she needed more money because she had blown all her savings and the £ I gave her to go interrailing, on going out and about with her BF.

DD also said she didn't want to work evenings as she wanted to spend them with her BF. Her BF agreed that because she had run out of £ he would pay for her share of food/going out as he works full-time.

Together, DD and I updated her CV and went to visit some employment agencies. Somehow, with no previous experience, she has landed a very nice admin role in a large office of friendly people, which I hope will broaden her horizons and confidence. She will work there throughout her gap year, meaning she can save to replace the £ she blew, and they will let her have some time off in the Autumn, to go interrailing.

DD now stays 5 nights per week at her BF's mothers house. They both came to the conclusion that they couldn't possibly afford their own place and they are really better off at the moment living with parents. DD and BF stay at my place 2 nights per week. So the relationship is just as intense as ever, but we have found a compromise.

DD did say to me recently that she realises now that she moved too fast in the relationship and that she understood why I was so upset, but we have our good relationship back, although I don't see so much of her as I did before.

DD and BF have decided that she will go to Uni in 2019, (assuming she gets good results) and he will go with her and get a job nearby. I don't think this relationship will fizzle out anytime soon.

And so, we are now awaiting the A level results in a much happier place than we were during the Spring!

It's very nice to read that there has been, a some what, happy ending!

You sound like an amazing mother. I am dreading this stage. DD is 10, but I am worried already.

I, like you, have raised her on my own (more or less) I can see the same things happening. Basically you have no support do you? Or the bloody opposite in my case.

Good luck OP. I think you sound like you have done a really great job.

Thank you, Wendy Cope. No there is not much support which is why this forum is invaluable. I had got DD to the age of 18, she was on course to excel academically and have a great career, when, whoosh, out of nowhere came this boyfriend. It looked like she was going to go and live in a flat with him and his mates having known him for weeks, and drop all of her plans.

It was scary, we're not a wealthy family and she (like me) will have to work her butt off if she is to have a decent standard of living and not rely on a man. Hopefully she is back on track and will either go to Uni next year or decide to stay in her gap year job where there are lots of prospects.

Hopefully, this will not happen to you and your DD. Amongst mine and DD's friends, very few teens have rebelled like this. I think they realise how competitive life is, sadly.