Is it ever a good idea to call the bullies parents

[Monkee4]

DD is so sad and unhappy. She was looking forward to a party for weeks and had invited her "friends" to her house first to get ready and then come back from a sleepover. Then one of her "friends" decided to turn it around and have the sleepover etc at her house. My DD and her friends all agreed then this "friend" decided to exclude my DD. All week she has been trying/begging this girl to change her mind but no. They blocked her and excluded her. Now she won't come out of her room I can't get her away from her phone. I texted one of the mums I have known for 3 years and said I couldn't believe what the girls were doing and what happening and she has ignored me. I want to text the bully's mum but I can't trust myself for what I might say. I can't bear to see her in so much pain. She is utterly dejected. Any ideas for cheering my DD up?

So sorry that your DD is going through this. Girls at this age can be vile to each other and their parents are either just as bad or completely oblivious. Is there are particular reason for the fall out or are they just being horrible? I am unsure about contacting the other Mum as often this can make things worse. It’s possible they will be best friends again next week. Can your DD make plans with another friend or maybe do something as a family to cheer her up.

Thanks Doryismyname for your reply. My DD had upset this girl by daring to say that she wasn't being very nice earlier in the week (when she was ostracising DD on another occasion). DD apologised several times for upsetting the "bully" and wrote her a sweet message but she tried to get the whole class against DD and succeeded with these other girls. DD so wanted to be included - they were supposed to be her friends. I just couldn't get over the cruelty of it and the other mother not even bothering to reply to my message. Even if she didn't agree she could have just said I am sorry your DD is upset. DD felt so rejected and sad by her friends. She doesn't have anyone else to call sadly. I managed to get her to come out this evening for a pizza and we laughed about completely unrelated stuff. It is their loss - horrible horrible people really.

How old is DD?
Its must be horrible to see her upset and excluded but do you really want her to be friends with this bully? You could message the bullies parents and they may force her to invite your DD but does she still want to go knowing shes not wanted? I would be telling her that they are not her real friends and that it is their loss, she can do better than them and deserves proper friends who would never treat her like this.

Does she have any other friends? Even girls she’s not close to but you could help her foster a friendship with?

Teens are so fickle and thrive on drama.

As for the mum you texted, I’m sure she didn’t want to get into the middle of it.

I don't agree with contacting other parents. There are always 2 sides to a story and it is likely a parent will take their child's side even if it might not be true.
I definitely think the text was not a good idea as it doesn't allow for a mature reciprocal conversation. If you wanted to do something a phone call is better.
I also believe that we can't resolve these issues for our children. The girls aren't suddenly going to want to involve your dd so you're not actually going to make things better for her. I think what you did was the best course of action by enjoying time together at home and making her feel safe and loved.
If this is an ongoing issue I would definitely discuss it with the appropriate person at school.

Thank you for your replies. Her Dad and I often tell her they are not real friends if they are not nice to her but it is a lack of confidence thing. The class she is in is very cliquey and these girls are not accepted into the main clique. So they hang around together as an outside group. We have tried very hard to get DD to interact with the other girls on a daily basis but she always tells me "you're not there mum you don't now what it is like". I definately didn't' want her to be invited if I had called the bullies parents i just was so mad and upset. I know the text to the other parent was probably wrong but I'm afraid I wish people would get involved - or just some acknowledgement would have been nice. I know they will probably end up being "friends" again. The bully is thriving on the drama and has apparently accused DD of causing her to self harm. We are going to talk to the school next week (the form teacher and head of year already know there has been an issue as another girl from DD's group was in tears about the situation last week) and I then emailed form teacher on Friday so she knew our side of things. My DD was in tears when she was accused of this self harm thing and the bully was straight faced (which suggests to me it was a horrible attention seeking attempt and manipulation). It was the fact that other girls DD had invited had gone along with it the exclusion which I was so mad about and DD was so upset about.

I agree OP, I sometimes wish parents would take more interest in these situations if only to just give some perspective on how the other parties might be feeling and to try and broker peace. However, what I am learning is that these situations are highly complex, multidimensional and very very emotive. It’s likely the parents of the others involved feel just as hurt for their DDs as you do for yours and they will all have heard different dramas and sides to the story. Then there’s the parents that firmly believe their DC can do no wrong and you are just wasting time trying to talk to these people. The bully in this situation sounds like she has other issues and maybe has a history of self harm but the school will know about this. All you can do is support your DD as much as possible and ride out the storm until the next drama.

Hi Monkee4

I firstly like to say I hope your Dd is ok and secondly unless you know these other parent's are open minded do not contact them, it will make things worse. Make contact with the school and keep on at the school,if Dd is being excluded etc school need to sort it out.

Our dd suffered virtually the same thing nearly 6yrs ago with so called friends who continually were nasty in sly ways, school unfortunately we're worse than useless.

Good luck and keep in touch xx

Thanks Monica I am sorry your DD experienced such a horrible time at school and that the school were so useless. I really hope she is ok now. It is heartbreaking when your child who is already struggling - tries so hard - just to get knocked back down by these vile girls. I have spoken to the school but the girls who do this are above contempt and don't care what the school says, in my experience. They will say one thing and do the opposite. Just want her to meet some nice normal girls (so I can meet their nice normal parents too - there must be some out there :)!!)