My 16 year old boy doesn't care about anything or anyone

[MumQ123]

Hi, I need help. I have 16 year old triplets - 2 boys and a girl. My daughter is on a college course which she loves. She is outgoing, friendly and fun. Neither of my boys knew what they wanted to do, so they chose an IT course. Both boys have very different personalities. One is very quiet and painfully shy. He fell behind with coursework and didn't ask for help. He is not enjoying his course but, by the time he told me, it was too late to swap courses. He still doesn't know what course to choose instead. At least he is talking to me. My other son is refusing to go to college or get a job (even part-time). He does nothing to help around the house and says he doesn't care about anything. He spends almost every hour of the day in his bedroom with his pc, Xbox and phone. He raids the cupboards during the day and binges on biscuits and cereal. He eats meals with us but disappears as soon as he's finished. My partner and I and his Dad have tried to talk to him but he is still refusing to accept any responsibility for his life. He just wants to be allowed to do what he likes, when he likes. We've tried turning off the internet at 11pm every night but he gets verbally abusive and keeps the whole house awake in the process. I've taken his Xbox away but it doesn't seem to bother him. We have a password on the tv. I've taken him to the doctor who asked for a blood test but he refuses to have it. He says he is scared of needles. I am at the end of my tether and I'm looking for some pointers, ideas, etc as to where I go from here..........

I would say to go back to the GP. Blood tests only help diagnose or discount some illnesses.

These are my jumbled thoughts... ☺️

Restrict his internet access. Put some sort of parental controls and set them up so his internet usage is automatically controlled. Ie it automatically cuts him off at 11 - that way you are not involved. If you aren’t able to do this then get someone in who can. Excessive gaming is a disaster for some teens.

If he refuses to work or help out then I would also consider stopping his phone contract too (assuming he has one)

If he is binging on biscuits and other crap during the day then stop buying them or lock them up.

Go back to the doctors and see if they can help. Blood tests/councilling whatever

Have a think how you can get him to see his future, He needs to be able to see that there is a way forward. He needs to know that it doesn’t matter that he’s wasted a year, he has plenty of time to make up. Can you drag him to some other colleges open days?

Does he have any other adults around who he will listen to? Uncles or teachers or sports coaches.

Finally, be as nice to him as you can, he is obviously struggling and even though he is being really immature and annoying I bet he needs your love and support as much as ever

You can set his Xbox to X hours between say 12 and 4 - he can't get back on

Does he have any friends? Can you get him to attend the duke of Edinburgh or similar? Any careers advisers he could seek advise?
Have you tried CAMHS? Long shot

He sounds depressed

What is it your wanting a blood test for?? What are you expecting it to show??

You give him a clear choice - he either pulls his head out of his arse and starts behaving or he can move out. No messing around. Can he go and live with his Dad for a while??

Stop allowing him to get his own way. So what if he shouts and gets verbally abusive - stand firm. He behaves like this because he is being allowed to.

You, his dad and your partner need to get him on his own in a room, sit down and tell him how it’s going to be. Tell him and stick to what you tell him.

Give him Vitamin D. If you can get the doc to do a blood test for vitamin d and folates all the better. Minimum at that age if he doesn't go outside much and didn't last summer during midday sunshine hours, is 1000iu (25mcg a day) which is far more than the recommended amount you see on breakfast cereals or some multivitamins (usually only about 10mcg a day) Most of us are deficient, and the more computer bound he is the less likely he is to have had any sunshine April to Sept last year. His levels should be at least 70 mol/ml of blood (sorry cannot remember which measurement it is) 100 is optimum.

Your other teen may be suffering in the same way. Girls often show a bit more skin in the summer.

My son was Vitamin D deficient in the early spring of last year, I suspect he had been for a long time since he was in Year 9...(the year they stop runnign around outside so much) No HCP mentioned it to me, I worked it out from reading Mumsnet and had him tested, Bingo. Very sad, depressed and lethargic, refused to do anything except watch screens. Now much improved although still a typical teen in some ways and still likes screens. He is 17 now.

sorry, forgot to mention, if you do test, Doctor should prescribe a supplement which will boost his supply of Vitamin D in short time, ie a big 20,000 iu supplement to be taken just once a week perhaps for a few weeks. If you don't test, try to just give him at least 1000iu a day, (if he isn't taking any other multivitamin) perfectly safe, until his symptoms start to improve slightly perhaps over 2 weeks?

Personally I would get them ALL blood tests. Now.

Mamma cross post. I disagree with your advice. I have three teens. Troubled teens usually don't want to be that way. there is usually a reason more than just spite. I agree with boundaries, but you have start at the beginning and check if there IS an organic reason for him feeling low and reclusive. Of course staying in your room all day is going to make you feel worse, but that is a bit like telling someone with severe depression that they need to pull themselves together and go for a hike.

The other thing is that he might be scared of failure. Could you just leave a prospectus for a college in his room without making any suggestions at all. He might leaf through it. Level 2 courses can be a good start if you don't know what to do because you are not committing yourself in the same way as a level 3 but you are getting out of the house and socialising, seeing what you do or do not like. Drama, Music Production, Construction, Catering might be less threatening than IT? teens hate being failures, and would rather not try anything that makes them look a fool. He doesn't sound as if he wants to be independent really, a part time job is not yet something he feels he can manage. I think the abusiveness is possibly a form of panic that you are going to leave him isolated and alone in his bedroom with no wi-fi and there is literally nothing else to connect him to anything. Could you invite a friend to supper to break the deadlock? Or a relative he likes who he is ashamed to be rude in front of? Or replace watching a movie downstairs with others with being alone in bedroom? Even a little taste of sociable family life might make him feel less isolated, but not too much. I think they do like to retreat quite a lot at that age. I know I did at that age, and my children do it, although they socialise the rest of the time at school and with friends. Nevertheless they do seem to spend a lot of time doing what you and I would call "nothing" in their rooms.

Thank you for your messages. I did invite Son 1's best mate over and they have been out to the cinema. I got him to help me cook dinner the other night and we do occasionally watch a family film together. I have got both the boys on Vit D pills. I keep telling them I love them and want the best for them. The reason I keep at them is because I care. I have tried to engage the Y Service at college. They started to help but there has been no follow up. I will get back on to them on Monday (after Easter). Son 1 does not want to go back to his college after Easter. I think he has had a couple of run ins with tutors and cannot face them. Your comment about failure is definitely true. Even as a small boy - he would not try anything he wasn't sure he could do in case he couldn't.

My problem is that Son 1 will not go to college and does not want to get a job (part-time or otherwise). I have suggested volunteering but his is non-plussed about that too. How hard should I push?

Totally agree with @MamaH2018.

You are the parent and you need to set boundaries. He sounds spoiled and entitled. Talk about the ‘snowflake’ generation.

He’s 16, he’s chosen to drop out of college and he’s chosen to not get a job or help around the house. Who does he think should run around after him and support him?

Tough love is required - who does he think is going to support him? You need to stop paying for us things (phone, clothes etc). Maybe he will get off his arse and help himself. Sit him down and tell him how it’s goung to be.

My dad told me when I stopped my education either get a job with 3 months or leave the house. If your son is not contributing either to the house or to society then why should he be allowed privileges? Anything that you pay for, internet, phone, food etc should not be provided unless he is paying something towards it which he obviously can't do if he hasn't got a job. Tough love is the only way to go because by allowing him to sit at home doing nothing whilst draining your finances you are sending him the message that it is okay to do that throughout his whole life and get away with it. What if something was to happen to you and he no longer had someone to provide him with a free life, how would he survive? You are not giving him real life skills.

Tell him doing nothing is not an option. He can go to college, or get a job or do some voluntary work but he has to do something. Then go ahead and investigate the volunteering possibilities (they won't be great at 16 unless you have some personal contacts) then tell him either he does x starting in a week's time or he finds an alternative.

In my area, the careers service use Youth Mentors to work with young adults that are NEET. Maybe you could contact your local careers advisor?
There are a few other options that aim to raise self esteem and encourage engagement. Have a look at The Princes Trust Fairbridge programme...I'm sure it's countrywide.

The way I would deal with it is not to shout etc, but to try and get t9 the bottom of what his issue is...anxiety, depression, bullying, worries about failing etc, and to do that, he's going to have to trust you and open up. That won't happen while you're at loggerheads.

I wish you luck. Raising teens is tough!

@MumQ123 Just wondering how all this turned-out in the end? Did anything work? I'm in the same situation with a teenager diagnosed with ASD. He won't engage with anything or even talk about anything. It's like he's trying to make it impossible for anyone to help him. The 'sit him down and tell him how it is' type approach is useless - it just inflames matters. Really struggling so any insight you have would be good. Thanks

This is gaming addiction. We took our son's PS4 away last summer as he wanted to be on it constantly. A very sporty person became obsesses and didn't even want to leave the house. He still asks for it back and last night he wants angry as he feels he is missing out. But we can't go back to how things were before. He was also aggressive and threatening. Limit the WiFi or they turn to something else like you tube.

Teenage boys are so frustrating. My son is similar with his PS4. I have always insisted that he does some form of sport or exercise so this helps him. It is so hard to motivate them when they only have technology as an interest. I don't want to scare you but does he smoke weed? This lick down has affected teenagers perhaps more than we realise. As for your other son who doesn't know what he wants to do. Maybe it would be easier to work out what he doesn't want to do. Write a list of things like, working with his hands, working in an office, working outside. Good luck I hope you are OK

I’m having similar problems with my 16yr old. He got good GCSEs ...based on his predictions and has started college, but is not taking it seriously at all! He is now on his 4th disciplinary mainly for missing online lessons (online because of COVID) and the final straw was that he brought his girlfriend into college which is against the rules especially during COVID. It’s not so much that he’s breaking the rules but hadn’t bothered to read them and has no common sense hence keeps messing up. He can be moody a lot of the time and has told me that he feels sad a lot of the time, I’ve asked him if it could be depression and said he could have medication for it but he does not want that and won’t open up to me or anyone else, I’ve offered private counselling. We’re in term 1 and looking at the possibility of him being kicked out already, he f do orang get himself up in the morning if I left it to him he would miss the bus and takes no responsibility for anything. He does work on a sat but we have to drive him there. Should I be looking at for him!?
Also I know he is smiling weed and we have discussed the implications but he still does it and buys it with the money he has earned!! Any advice most welcome!

Sorry my message should of said, should I be looking at apprenticeships for him?