Need some advice on handling 12 year old please

[Snools33]

Subject:

Hi I need some advice on how best to handle an issue with my 12 year old daughter (13 in September) she is on year 7 and like a lot of girls her age is obsessed with her phone. We have a rule that it must be handed over at 9pm each night which she very begrudgingly mostly complies with, although never without prompting. I have taken her phone last night and done some checking on it. Found the following:

1.  Instagram account is now not Private
   

2.  An additional private Instagram account. Not friends with me on this one but is with some of my family and friends so it can’t be intended to be completely private from all family adults.
   

3.  Photos are too revealing. A lot of shots of her in leggings and cropped jumpers – with her face scribbled out...
   

4.  Sending messages to friends which are lies. Specifically one about her having a go at vaping in the toilets and getting detention for it – if they have detention at school parents are notified so this can’t be true... I am wondering about the vape though. Also lies saying that some people are family when they are not, specifically some friends of mine, I think this may be a hero worship thing and she thinks these people are more interesting or pretty then her actual family.
   

She seems completely obsessed with looks are physically attributes of people and material possessions – really focused on designer clothes etc. – this is not something we encourage or buy into ourselves.
My gut instinct is she needs more hobbies – somethings to inspire her and take her away from this. She does gymnastics for a few hours once a week but other than that I am at a loss as to what she could get into. Her school offers nothing other than gymnastics in terms of after school activities and that makes it even harder so it’s going to need to be something that I organise.
I would love some inspiration or ideas from others who may have been in a similar situation? I am at a loss and swing between being terrified for her and losing my temper and then trying really hard to understand her, listen and work together.
Generally her behaviour isn’t too bad, she gave her phone over without any trouble this morning and she does try to listen. She has the mood swings quite badly at certain times of the month, particularly since getting her period in October last year.
I feel like I need to act now with this as people keep telling me it will get worse as she moves into her teen years. I am scared of alienating her and reacting wrongly. These phones are such a major things in her and her friend’s lives; I need to find a way to navigate this.

No idea sorry but I’m watching with interest as my DD will go into Y7 in September. Hopefully someone will be along soon.

Most teens have private insta accounts these days. they're a canny lot these teens.

Yes to them being obsessed with their looks and being quite vain at times, putting up pictures for the "likes and Peng" comments.

They will cringe when they re older.

The only thing that would concern me is the account not being private. I would be saying the phone goes if it stays public.
she is only 12.

have survived teen daughters.
key advice: you remember all the rubbish you and your friends used to spout to each other at that age? between home and school? now thats all written down on social media. its no better nor worse but your parents can read it now.
have another decent chat about being honest and confident in who she is. think about what you want for her ovet the next few years

Thanks, it’s a really difficult time. I do have a niggling feeling thatbher achool may not be the right for for her for a few reasons too, for example it having zero out of school activity provision for one. It’s also a very small school (60 in each year). Quite academic leaning and Little provision for more non academic subjects. So hard!

Sounds all pretty normal stuff but why the face scribbling out?
I would also insist on the account being private.
Extra curricula activities don't need to be connected to School. Talk to her about groups elsewhere or maybe even something you could enjoy together?
Teenage girls are a nightmare. My eldest is 19 and has given me roughly 6 years of pain and emotional torture. In hindsight I wish we had tried to find a shared interest early on to keep a little closer.

Martial Arts can be really good for self-confidence and self-discipline.
the uniforms are definitely not fashionable and so would focus her mind on other things and give her a very useful skill.

Otherwise, what is she interested in and what's available in your area? Are there any cadets clubs or is horse riding a possibility, girl guides maybe? Target shooting, archery?

My DD 13 has bobbed out of all the competiveness and popularity contest of social media which most of her peers are into.
I am pleased about this as some of the photos some of them put on I wouldn’t be very happy about either. But whilst I am not keen on it, I am afraid it seems to be the norm once they get to secondary. I wouldn’t be surprised if your DD doesn’t have a snapchat account as well as most do (which is worse as everything good or bad disappears). DD was bullied in year 7 but the bullies were careful what they posted and how it was awful.
My DS 14 also made an additional private Instagram account in year 7 and I think this is quiet common among his friends (both girls and boys). I don’t see what he posts or conversations but I regularly chat to him about the many pitfalls.
No advice really except her behaviour is probably normal. We have always got both our DC’s to both put their phones down at 9pm or before and still insist they both leave them on charge in the main living room. At least by doing this we can ensure they have a break from it when in their bedrooms and their sleep isn’t disrupted. Apparently we are in the minority and the only parents who insist on this but I don’t care.

Sounds quite normal behaviour unfortunately. My stepdaughter has several private Instagram accounts and we are. It allowed to follow her but some of my friends and family do so like you said I can't be anything too bad. The fave scribbling is a thing.... not sure why!
I would rather it be private and us not allowed to follow than be public so I think another conversation on internet safety is the best thing!
She is also obsessed with designer things - it's just the world today I think. When they are out working they'll soon realise. Teenagers are a tough time. If you can stay close and have shared interests and openness this is much better. You'll struggle to change their behaviour so it's much better that they can talk to you about things without you sounding judgemental. Having their friends over etc and involving them. I find if there is a particular behaviour you see that you don't like, having a group discussion about someone you know, that has done something that has upset you or a friend is a great way to show standards and things without sounding naggy! It also encourages grown up thinking and openness.
Good luck!

DD is a few weeks younger than yours - year 7, October birthday.

She has a few similar traits. She soon made her instagram account after me and DP followed her!! Just a thought Its worth doing that either way as you then know what's going on.

I think at this age, they really do like to show off - they are finding their feet and trying to find their place in a new school. Tell her you know (she won't like it) and remind her that if she's found out to be lying she's highly likely to be ridiculed by her classmates so its just not worth it.

As for the clothes issue, we've resolved this by giving DD a monthly allowance for clothes over and above school uniform. If she wants designer, she has to save up - oddly enough, she seems to have developed a liking for combing charity shops, Primark and TK Maxx.

It seems rubbish that gym is the only after school exra curriculum activity. DD does fencing and choir with school and also musical theatre at the weekends. For the last, we gave her a maximum budget and told her to research what was available that she may like to do, work out how she intended to get there and back (she was lucky enough to find what she wanted in walking distance) and to get hold of the relevant forms and fill them out... we signed and paid.

I think at this age,they are started to become more independent, so we need to make it possible while supervising them overall.

Not sure if any of that will help but it seems to be working for us so far

Just wondering if it is an iPhone and do you have her apple account set up as a childs? Apple know my DS’s age so we have to approve any apps he downloads. Maybe that could help you keep track of which social media she’s on?

Thank you all so much for the feelback, some really helpful comments and ideas! It’s good, well comforting, to know that others are facing the same challenges. I have found that unlike the baby and toddler years parents tend to stop talking about problems at this age! She’s a good girl really and perhaps I need to give her a little more .. careful independence (not on social media) in which to build her confidence in other things.

Yes DS was pushing boundaries and making hard work out of doing his homework.
After many many heated discussions I emailed his head of year and thought I would let them deal with it. It turned out he was doing pretty had to step back a bit and he actually stepped up and has managed to improve his grades.
Not sure if you have a younger child but my eldest still appreciates some quiet quality time with me away from his younger sister (as long as he has detached from game playing on his phone or iPad) if we are clothes shopping for him, I am asking his opinion on a present for someone, going for something nice to eat, watching a film together or having a chat. I think it allows him to feel more grown up and I show I respect him.

I was you exactly last year, and although my DD1 goes to a school that does loads of hobbies/activities, she didn't seem to be interested in much, was constantly pouting on Instagram/Snapchat, didn't seem to take her work that seriously, talked of dropping her instruments, wanted to go shopping on her own in town, the list is endless.

I was really considering moving schools too, as I felt that she was under bad influences etc

Then this year all of a sudden (Y8), after Christmas and lots more fallouts with me in the first term, a total sudden transformation. Back into her music and dancing, not bothered about shopping in town with her friends, happy to go back to normal activities, revises pretty hard for her assessments and got mostly Es in her effort marks from mostly Gs last year. Then suddenly told me she is coming off all social media as they are a waste of her time!! Not sure how long this new persona will last, but I am enjoying it.....

I was told by many that Y7 is a settling in period and then towards the end of Y8 they go back to normal.....it seems to be going that way for my DD1 but I am sure we'll have more dips along the way. Good luck, I know how frustrating it is.

I agree with a PP that a monthly allowance is a good idea. I've set up DS (11) with his own bank account; it helps him understand and appreciate the value of money. It was after reading The Opposite Of Spoiled - a book about helping children understand money, savings and giving to charity. Excellent read.
It's a good idea to show them you trust them and give them an opportunity to prove they are able to be trusted!

I can’t tell you how helpful this has been, hope it’s useful to anyone else looking too. I’ve taken her out for a long car ride tonight (via McDonald’s night for hot choc! ) and ever had a good chat, she’s opened up and chatted easily about a few things. Her phone is ‘doing her head in a bit ’ by all accounts and she’s not bothered about having a break. I’ve told her about the monthly allowance and she is keen on this, talking of saving for a pair of shoes etc. The most useful thing for me is knowing I’m not alone and across the county likely we are all facing similar challenges.

She’s 12 years old. She shouldn’t even have an Instagram account or any social media accounts. The minimum age is 13 - how did she get the account? She has lied about her age.

You’re the parent, do you decide and set boundaries on what’s acceptable or not. She may not like it but tough, you’re the adult and you pay the phone bill.

I have this with my 12 year old. Obsessed by the phone and taking selfies (god the pouting ones which I hate). I’ve got tough on it.

I know this isn't for everyone, but my two went for riding lessons, then became obsessed with horses and spent lots of time volunteering at the riding stables, mucking out, grooming etc.. It got them safely through their teenage years.

Hi Snools33. Firstly I think you need to take a deep breath and give yourself a massive pat on the back for all you do everyday for her - you sounds like a great and caring Mum and it can be really hard for us not to beat ourselves up when challenges like this come along.

Secondly I have a fair bit of experience with 4 teenage girls 13,15, 17, 19 (!!) and here is my tuppence worth!

Although i do understand your urge to check her phone and it is good you have found all this out, I would start to be really mindful of this tactic from now on as she gets older. If she found out in any way you were checking her phone she would feel her trust in you was broken, and believe me this could be a nightmare. It is all about starting to build trust. believe me it's hard to let go but its important as they sense when you are holding the reigns to tight and it makes them tug harder!

The face scribble thing is their way of staying "safe" so that their identity is private even if photos are - there's a misguided logic in it!

I think you can do no harm in continuing to boost her inner self esteem, offer her genuine and sincere compliments on her actions / behaviour / character as often as you can. 'Catch her' being good and tell her you've noticed how kindly she did this, or thank her for the thoughtful way she did that. Even if she shrugs off compliments she will hear them deep down.

Don't worry - the obsession with materialistic 'things' and looks is practically universal with teenage girls!

One thing - I firmly believe that teenagers rebel against their parents's way - this is very common. So if your lifestyle is very non-materialistic it is actually not a surprise that she wants to pull away from that and try something new. Don't fight it too much as it will push her further down that road. Keep the family grounded but accept and try not to judge her interest in trivial things as no doubt we all had as teenagers!

An allowance is a great idea. Our 4 were given pre-payment cards (such as Optimum or Splash). These look like credit cards but really they are no such thing. You the parent can load the card up with cash in advance, each month etc and she can spend it like a real card. You can both keep track of her spending by logging into an account and there is also an app showing the balance and spending. These cards are especially designed for teens so there is no impact on any credit rating or anything like that - to all intents and purposes it is cash. We found this was brilliant as it was essentially giving pocket money / cash, but made the girls feel more responsible / adult and supported them to start budgeting and managing money.

With hobbies I would try not to push or even actively encourage her down any path as she may well resist, but you could provide a full range of options and make it seem as if you have no preference. Something one of my daughters did was a youth theatre, which she loved and it really boosted her confidence. Also try looking for local choirs, art clubs, dancing, sports etc and offering any of these up as a reward.

Finally, to encourage her to think about managing her privacy online generally you could draw her attention to the current news story about Facebook stealing data and how it may have influenced democracy. You never know, she could be interested!

I hope this helps and good luck!! xx