desperate for help with out of control teen

[Rodaville]

I am totally at my wits end my nearly 18 year old has serious self esteem issues , is constantly lying and has been violent to me . she creates constant drama , is social media obsessed and never manages to keep friends . She threatens to leave and despite good grades and very talented she only wants to be popular . we have paid for counselling, private education, we tell her we love her . She can flip really easily . Our younger daughter is totally different. I have no found she is posting on a sugar daddy : findom site . I haven't told my dh because he will not cope . I feel I am drowning . What do I do ? Confront her ? Please help

It sounds as though confrontation might make things worse? (Maybe it might even play to her love of creating drama?) How about writing a few points that you'd like to communicate, maybe just three to start with. Then take her out somewhere, maybe a cafe where the drama might be contained a little. Say v v little to her. Tell her you love her and that she's been on your mind a lot. You keep wondering if she's ok. That's it. Say nothing (NOTHING) else. Just wait. She will probably either 1) ask you why you are acting all weird and say nothing 2) say a bit .

Either way I'd bite my tongue. Even if she says little, or acts like youre being weird, the care and concern will sink in at some level and she might later take you up on another offer of a (you and her only) trip out to a cafe when she'll share more.

Slowly slowly. You can't correct her behaviour without rebuilding the relationship. She probably won't come to you because she's in a permanent storm about something. She needs you to hold a quiet space so that she will come and calm and sit and begin to think.

And those three points. Hold onto them for now. Rebuild first. Good luck

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply . That's good advice and I think you are right about the confrontation. She has literally spat at me and hit me . She always wants to push the boundaries . I've known about this latest behaviour for a couple of weeks and i haven't said anything . She is very vicious when things don't go her way and I was afraid that by letting her know I knew she was posting on these sites I would normalise it . I just don't know how she thinks it's morally ok or that she feels the need to degrade herself . I'm devasted but I will try and do what you suggest . I just don't know what we did wrong that she has this as a standard .She seems to hold the power and she has no respect for me. i feel as if I am in a constant state of anxiety . Thank you so much

I’ve always said kids are put on this earth to push boundaries, and parent to impose them. That said, teenagers are curious and like to try things out, and learn for themselves what they like/don’t like.

I think the way through this is to get her to talk and find what she is feeling. Eg if she says she feels you favour her sister over her, instead of telling her why, ask her why she thinks that. Find out what is in her head rather than telling her what is in yours. You might find a confused little girl in there trying to be grown up.

Good luck

Have you considered ASD? Sounds like a typical Aspergers child - highly intelligent violent and volitile

Seek help!

I agree to driving somewhere so she doesn't have to look at you to speak but also try texting her as they like the time to consider an answer and car read 'I love you' etc

You have to let her get on with it.

I was feeling just like you a few months ago. Very similar behaviour from teen DS. I was at my wits end.

I have had 6 weeks of parenting support from SS and frankly things are so much better.
One of the first things they told me was to let the small stuff go. You cannot control their life and they have to make mistakes.

I talk to DS and say he has other options but I do not tell him off anymore. I dont tell him what choices to make I just remind him of the possible consequences. I remind him its my job as a mum to want the best for him.

Things are so much better. There is less friction between us.
He has made small errors in judgement but nothing life changing (this was my worry).

I was also told to put responsibility back on him as everything was my fault all the time.
It was a lot easier than i thought. I didnt say "its your fault" I just asked him to explain why he thought it was mine.

I am not saying this will work for you but for me i am so much more relaxed and much less anxious which means I cope better and parent better.

We are both alot happier.