What makes teenagers demanding of your time?

[goodbeans]

I’ve seen it said many times on MN that teenagers need so much of your time compared to babies. My DS is 3 and is still v demanding of my time, although he can occupy himself for 10-20mins playing on his own these days. As a baby he couldn’t be put down without crying and so I find it hard to envisage how a teen could be more demanding But I’d be interested to hear from parents of teens what makes them time-hungry/needy... what do I have ahead to look forward to?

At the moment DD is 20 is going off to do Camp America in June, then uni and its constant talk on Camp America ie latest is the vaccine requirements. Impossible in the time given. She hasnt pushed the button on uni as had 4 good offers and cant make up her mind. Needs a lift from work to station as she wont make the train in time to make a NT performance of Macbeth. Its constant earpounding.

14 yo here and I'm finding teenage years are quite a rollercoaster of emotions and more stressful than any other age.
We have a great, intelligent and talented daughter who is beginning to push boundaries and assert her independence...
We have found we are needed for counselling and lifts.
I also find 'keeping her safe' in real life and on her phone (that we monitor) is quite stressful as she is at the age that she wants to do more than we are keen on at the moment - so find myself spending time worrying!
It's also quite isolating and lonely - teens have their own friends... I miss the toddler years with groups and social outings to the park etc.

This explains the parenting of teens quite well.

www.renegademothering.com/

Lifts lifts lifts.
Yesterday I drove DD to Explorer scouts meeting 40 miles away. And waited in the car / local café for 4 hours to bring her home again.
And last time it snowed and I couldn't get the car out to pick her up from her friends.... "Mum, could you walk 2 miles through the snow drifts to meet me please?"

And when she comes home knackered from school and falls asleep at 6pm and wakes up at 10pm.... " Mum, I know it's nearly midnight but could you make me some pasta please, or at least come and talk to me whilst I make it"
Oh, and I spend far too much time checking Find My IPhone to see where she is!

It's bollocks, people say it as a power trip or one upmanship.

Teens are demanding of lifts and time and will have emotional dramas at highly inconvenient times, needing you to sympathise and constantly remind yourself in your head that friendship drama or whatever existential crisis they are having matters to them just as much as the massive pile of work you should be getting on with matters to you, so you need to spend three hours listening and advising and not see it as wasted time...

But they can be left alone for hours and are on a basic level self reliant (physically). People who claim they need as much of your time as totally dependent babies and toddlers are not really being honest, unless perhaps they mean very chilled 7-7 sleeping babies/ toddlers in full time childcare, but even then, they need a carer focussed on them, and teens go to school...

I think what people mean really is that teens are frustrating because you expect them to be pretty self sufficient, so it catches you out how much they still demand.

It's simply untrue to say they take up more time, objectively, than babies though.

Def lifts - to school/sports fixtures/friends/parties. Sitting around at home until 1am to collect from a party when you're desperate to get to bed - although this is changing slightly now and she has started getting ubers with friends. Which leads on to money!! they always seem to need cash for school trip/food/clothes/ubers. Mine do work but don't earn much - minimum wage for under 18s is £4.05.

Worry about their school work/friends/boyfriends/laptop and phone addictions/drinking/drugs ......

But they are def nowhere near as time consuming as twin babies/toddlers. I love the fact I can just walk out the house without thinking about them, that they're independent to a certain extent - DH and I can pop out for dinner or a drink without organising babysitting. There are a lot of pluses.

Next step is a weekend away child-free but I fear that may be a couple of years off - I worry about word getting round on social media about an empty house and things kicking off.

One big thing I've missed - constant texting! I was talking to a friend about this - my two are very demanding by text and if I don't reply they keep texting. I turned my phone off at work the other day, it was doing my head in. It's never of anything of great importance, just general "where's this, where's that, can I have a lift, can so and so come back to ours ...... on and on".

Trying to not trip over the great big size 10 shoes which take over the hallway takes up a lot of my time!

I think I find the needs of teens more complex and less straightforward than dealing with younger children but not necessarily more time consuming. They want you around but not anywhere near them, they want you to listen to their dramas but not peach or give advice, they want you to pay for clothes regardless of whether you like them or not, they want you to be a cool mum but not ever speak to their friends or anyone ever. You just worry all the time that you are getting it wrong, that they are sleeping too little or too much, that they are going out all the time or spending too much time alone stuck in their room, you worry if they study too much or not enough, you worry about sleepovers, social media, drugs, sexting, parties, relationships. You worry because suddenly the consequences of getting it wrong could potentially impact their future.

Admittedly I missed out on the baby stage with DSC but as teens, they are excellent.

As long as there is WiFi, food in the cupboard and Netflix, they are self sufficient-it's great.

Though DSD spent today cleaning her room, including hoovering...I wonder what she is after....

Plus side to teens...
No enforced watching of CBeebies/ Disney channel/Barbie films!
No endless visits to toddler groups / ball pits / animal farms / petting zoos / mummy and baby swimming sessions / play dates with people you don't like / Build-a-bear parties..
No playground politics/cliques

Just says "Night, Mum" and puts herself to bed..
She doesn't cry in the night (unless she's actually being sick)
Can be left alone for hours at a time
Gets up, dressed and ready for school all by herself
Is great company (most of the time)
Wants a spa day with me (result!) for her 15th birthday.

Can be rude, exasperating, illogical, argumentative, PITA, expensive, but compared to baby/toddler - absolutely fantastic!

It's been interesting to read this thread and think about it. Even though teens bring their own challenges they're so much easier than little ones. And how lovely to see them growing towards the adults they will become.

How could I forget kids TV and films? The hours spent watching 'Alvin and the Chipmunks- the squeekwal' is time I will never get back.

So pleased we can now watch decent stuff together.

Thank you all so much for your insights... this is a fascinating (and sometime terrifying) glimpse into the future!

teens are frustrating because you expect them to be pretty self sufficient, so it catches you out how much they still demand. this makes total sense

they want you to pay for clothes regardless of whether you like them or not Noo! I am making the most of togging DS up in all the cutest outfits whilst I can still get away with it!

You worry because suddenly the consequences of getting it wrong could potentially impact their future. Eh gads, this is the crux of it, I guess.

I think it’s the unpredictability of it too. So some evenings - they come home, disappear into their rooms, appear for tea (no drama, no arguments, all pleasant) and disappear again and you feel almost redundant!

Other days - well, I had one last week. Son (nearly 12 but starting to act like a teen) - an hour or so after school spent ‘discussing’ his behaviour points from school, poor test results and subsequent Xbox ban - lots of shouting/crying and drama!

Followed by an hour of ‘discussing’ dd’s need for a big 14th birthday party in a hired hall - dh not happy about her plans, lots of upset and drama. Slight break while I make a late meal, only for the discussions and crying to resume over tea. I finally sat down and had some peace at 9.30!

All very emotionally draining. Dd has constant ideas, demands (although she claims she’s not demanding things!) and plans which require my input and money! Ds is lazy and needs constant reminders to do everything, from basic hygiene to homework. He should be self sufficient but he isn’t...

And you lose your child free evenings - although as mentioned above, some evenings feel child free! They’re always there and awake though so it’s not the same..

And that’s before you consider all the lifts, trips to buy school supplies,clothes, birthday presents etc etc. But I am enjoying this stage despite all that!

Crazy you sum it up really well. We have had so many drama-filled evenings (that can drag on quite late) recently 😫.
Dd also full of ideas and has no problem with us having to organise things and spend money.
Having no child-free evenings means I feel I can never fully switch off too.

Agree with crazy - it's the unpredictability that is so emotionally draining, out of nowhere their mood can change. One minute rare they are offering to wash your car and the next you are the world's biggest embarrassment for daring to speak to one of their friends. .

I miss the days when their little face lit up when they saw their mum, now it is more like a growl, if you are even acknowledged. And at the same time everyone else is telling me what a charming, well mannered young may my DS is. Only this morning I overheard him chatting very nicely with an elderly neighbour - yet he can only grunt at me.

Young children need you in a different way - and you can 'outsource' their care (nursery/childminder/babysitter etc). My DS is 17 and I really don't want to leave him home alone, fear of parties etc (although you are not allowed to call them 'parties' - they are 'social gatherings) - yet he doesn't really want grandparents coming to look after him.

The many dramas, the latest of which is dd sending me a pic via whatsapp of the wet patch on my ceiling as she had a bath last night and "can't think how it happened" really?

I'm away with Dh atm, she has form for creating drama.

Crazy has summed it up well, combined with whoever it was that posted You worry because suddenly the consequences of getting it wrong could potentially impact their future

So often, with mine they crucially need something instantly, and it is difficult to say "well you should have looked after it then" as you know it it s the deadline for the University application / job application / application for some other thing they are applying for.
When I used to look after all their passports etc - I knew where they were, and left them in that secure place except when we were on holiday, but now they need them every other week for ID etc... it is much harder to keep track (just this week's example)