Help! My 14yr old said she wanted to die.

[AutovillaGirl]

My DD has been having friend trouble at school. She is part of a group of about 10 girls and boys. Everything was fine until she started 'dating' (meeting up for an occasional Saturday coffee) with a boy from the group. Another girl in the group had always liked him and was jealous and started causing trouble - firstly trying to split them up to no avail and then causing trouble among the girls, saying that my daughter had been saying things about other girls behind their backs. Another girl from the group a loud troublemaker who had never really liked my daughter also joined in and between the two of them have turned the rest of the group against her. They won't let her stand with them at breaktimes or lunchtimes and as she has no one to sit next to at lunchtime in the canteen, has stopped eating lunch. Her 'boyfriend' has now stopped talking to her because a couple of them told him that she said she didn't really care for him. She has been so lonely at school the last few days and it's breaking my heart. None of them will sit by her in class or be with her at breaktimes. The teacher has noticed what is going on and has talked to her about it and she said she will talk to the others, but what will that do anyway? She has been so quiet at home and she texted me from school yesterday saying she was so upset she wanted to die. You read of kids committing suicide because of these things and I am so worried. Myself and her dad have talked to her, but know that we can't fix things. We have been saying to her find new friends at school, but she says they are already in their cliques and it's difficult to break in. I remember from school myself how difficult this can be. She didn't want to go to school today so we have let her have the day off, but what will happen come Monday? She is a sensitive soul and lacks confidence. Has anyone had a similar experience please? I don't know what to do.

I would be making an appt TODAY to see the teacher & head of year.

This is bullying tactics & shouldn’t be allowed

Don’t be fobbed off with the shit of we will move your daughter to another class. NO that isn’t good enough the offenders need to be spoken to - today.

If by Tuesday next week nothing has happened I would then get the head teacher involved.

So sorry your daughter is having such a tough time, for so many kids I don't think there's anything worse than being left out. My ds had this in year 8 - he just wasn't one of the lads and couldn't cope with the constant low level aggression and fighting and proving himself. He ended up with very few friends and I had some horrible texts from the loo - please come and get me, no ones talking to me, I feel so alone, etc etc. It happened on a few occasions and I struggled with my conscience trying to decide if I should try and get him to go in when he was so unhappy there. Slowly, very slowly, he made different friends. He still hates the place on occasion but is resigning himself to the fact that for some kids, surviving school is good enough. I don't think there is much any school can realistically do to stop or prevent what is effectively bad and unpleasant behaviour - perhaps try and have a really adult conversation with your daughter about how this will be temporary- it will change and one day she'll find that it's someone else suffering- and in the meantime just try and keep her head down and get through each day. Perhaps do some nice stuff sfter/outside school with other friends- even take her out for a day/weekend as a special treat and give her perspective that although it seems all important, actually school is just one part of her life, and that kids will always be petty. Both she and you can rise above this - this too shall pass x

Thank you for your replies. I went to the school and talked to her teacher. She talked to the pupils involved and also my daughter, but it didn't seem to help much. The next day when my daughter was alone crying at lunch time an older girl asked what was wrong and then took my DD over to the girls, mediated and got them talking. Things have improved a bit since then, the group seems to have split and my daughter now generally has company with the quieter ones of the group. She's sad that she seems to have lost her 'best' friends, but with friends like that who needs enemies?! I think she's learned a lot from the experience though, and is more wary now, but it's knocked her confidence. Hopefully it's a learning experience. It's tough for moms though, as much as our children.....

Ahhh its heartwarming to read the older girl got them talking She sounds fab.
My dd is like ur dd. Shy and won't put herself forward so I dread something like this happening.

Usually in gangs like this there is always a ringleader so it's likely the quieter girls will be ok. NOw they have broken away from her. Let's hope it lasts.

I can recommend a good from amazon called queen bees and wannabes. It's very useful in situations such as yours.

I'd also recommend telling your dd to stay away from boys her friends also like It's not worth the Agro. Stick to boys that are neutral territory.

Good book. Should have said.

Also if your daughter doesn't already do this could you encourage her possibly to join a group out of school where she can make friends friends other than school friends I always feel it's very useful to have an ally that you can talk to out of school other than parents what has she got any cousins or friends of yours with children the same age that she could sometimes go out with?