Son "borrowing" mum's clothes

[Mersey0]

I am looking for guidance on how I should proceed and it is difficult to find anyone to discuss this with in person.

I (dad) have noticed my 14yo son taking clothes (dresses, tights, underwear) from my wife and hiding them in his bedroom generally under the mattress.

Going back 18m or so, my wife noticed he had some of her tights and underwear and she was very upset. She felt understandably violated and explained this to DS who promised he would not take them again. However, I have innocently spotted them hidden in his room on three subsequent occasions.

DS doesn't like to talk about it and I don't push him but on each occasion I have explained that taking someone else's clothes without permission is not acceptable. He said he understood and begged me not to mention it to his mum or his sisters.

This week I spotted them again when changing his bedclothes. I am pretty liberal minded so I enquired what he uses them for and he opened up a little bit. He said he likes to wear them, sometimes in bed. He said he is not gay and would not wear them outside the house but he likes the way they feel. Again he asked me not to tell his mum.

My reaction has been to reassure him that I love him no matter what. I did explain again how he shouldn't take clothing from others and that he should get his own clothes if he wants them. I indicated that I would not mention it to mum at the moment. Subsequently, he has indicated to me that he will be buying his own clothes with his pocket money.

My dilemma is two-fold: I am uncomfortable not being open with my wife; and I am following my gut instinct in my liberal reaction to his interest in the clothes.

My wife is, politely, a little less liberal and anyway would experience that sense of violation since they are her clothes. I am tempted to keep this from her provided DS does indeed stop taking her clothes.

In sum, should I speak with my wife (against the wishes of my son) and am I being reasonable in my approach to my son's behaviour?

I wouldn't tell your wife. It will cause more friction. Could you go to town with him and chose some clothing with him?

I wouldn't tell her either. I would give ds a way of buying a few things online as no 14 yo boy will want to go out shopping for women's underwear.

You sound like a great dad btw.

I wouldnt tell your wife. But I would impress upon your son a respect for others posessions. If he wishes to wear certain clothes or try out new styles/textures/etc then he needs to have his own.

Either take him shopping or online, and maybe just ensure he has pocket money to spend on clothes he likes (whether they are for him to wear in public or in private).

If my dh sorted it to a point where my child was happy I would not want to know about him taking my tights/underwear. Clothes wouldn't bother me.
I would want to know though that he had this preference so I could handle it properly.

Firstly, you sound like an absolutely wonderful parent, your son is lucky to have you.

I'd suggest speaking to your son again once he's bought his own clothes, and maybe discuss the possibility of opening up to your wife. I'd be inclined to maintain his trust in you at the moment, he's done a huge thing in opening up to you.

How do you feel about it all?

What he is doing is invasive and a violation.

Take him shopping for him OWN clothes and have a serious conversation about consent and boundaries.

This is not okay behaviour.
There is nothing wring with wearing womens clothes.
There is EVERYTHING wrong with wearing womens clothes without the woman who owns them knowing or consenting.

I think he needs his own 'supplies'

I'd be wary of telling your wife - it breaks his trust so he won't want to open up in the future

Tell him to buy his own clothes. There are plenty of online retailers, he can get women's underwear and clothing without embarrassment. I'd be pretty pissed off if ANYONE raided my underwear drawer. Cross dressing wouldn't bother me in the least though.

U think?
Ah i thought it sounded genuine and I'm usually the first to suspect!

I'm going with this is a genuine dad who's doing the right thing by his son

The OP hasn’t come back, so can’t need our help that badly, or this isn’t real

Thanks all for your encouraging and helpful comments. Sorry I didn't come back quickly enough

I agree that I won't mention it to his mum but I very much agree with the comments that I should encourage him to open up himself with his mum in his own time. It has been difficult for me because I am not used to keeping secrets from my wife (when the kids are young there isn't ever a need to) but I guess now they are getting older I have their own confidences to maintain too.

AnotherOriginalUsername asked how I feel about it: I like to think I have liberal views and cross-dressing doesn't concern me. I worry about challenges down the line if he intends to continue, whether publicly or not. For example, if he cross dresses in private as an adult he will need understanding from any future partners and I just hope this doesn't get in his way. For me personally though, he's my son and I love him no matter what.

And finally, whether you believe it or not, this is a genuine post.

I hope I'm not overstepping the mark, but if you or your son want anyone to talk to in confidence to explore things, then these people can help. I'm not for one second suggesting that your son is transgender or anything, cross dressing does not mean that as I'm sure you're aware, but these guys are fantastic bristolmind.org.uk/help-and-counselling/mindline-transplus/

I think it is wrong to keep things from your spouse like this. You're either a team or not. Do not let a teen, any more than a toddler, play divide and rule between parents.

This needs to be dealt with as you would deal with any thieving within the family. One simply does not borrow without consent, especially when told that yes the owner minds considerably.

Never mind what the item is, your DS needs to learn again that he must not steal. Not that he can steal and someone will help him cover up, even when that is at the expense of full communication between parents.

@DirtyBlonde - that's a very black and white view.

Are you saying you'd rather a teen kept secrets from you, because they knew you'd tell your DP about it?

I wouldn't want that, and I know my DP wouldn't either. The OP is right, this is different to when they were little and their confidences are important too.

Of course not. I would rather my teens knew that both parents are on their side, and that confiding in one is confiding in both and that is fine.

I thinknit is even more important in the teen years than in the toddler years, because the stakes are higher. The family pulls together as a teen, and should not be undermined by keeping issues from someone who ought to know about them. If a teen thinks they can get away with stealing by covering up and drawing one parent into the cover up, it rewards the manipulation and the view that 'if they don't find out it's OK'.

Yes, I have teens, and I would be horrified if DH withheld things about them. And my reaction would be directed at DH for his role in not parenting as a team (not for the teen for trying to escape what they fear might be an awkward moment). You show them that their fears were misplaced by being measured in the part of the response that concerns the original transgression.

Thanks for your candid views DirtyBlonde - you actually sum-up my own reservations which prompted me posting here in the first place.

I think there is a careful balance to be had here. I see the wrongdoing as the disrespect and disregard that my son showed for his mother and her personal possessions. He has been sanctioned for this by me.

I completely agree with the "united front" argument and that it benefits all when families pull together. This has always been our aspiration, which is why I find it so difficult now.

That said, my plan is not to breach my son's confidence. While we are a family we are also individuals and I believe my son deserves two loving parents who can help him, perhaps in different ways, than necessarily a combined parental unit representing only the truly common ground (I'm sure there are few couples for whom everything is common ground.)

However, I do believe my wife should be informed and I think it should be my son who does that. I therefore plan to tell him that I expect him to speaks with his mum and apologise for his wrongdoing. Whatever else he wants to tell her will be up to him.

Thanks again all for your input - it helps me tremendously.

He has already involved his mum and he has to deal with the consequences of that. You cant invade womens boundaries like that & at 16 he could have purchased them elsewhere if he didnt want anyone else involved.

If you dont tell her what do you do next?

Hide/dicard the underware your son has used for his pleasure leaving her bewildered/confused while you both know where they are?

Or return them and have your wife unwittingly wear underware that your son has used for pleasure?

Neither is okay.

She IS involved. She needs to know. Otherwise you are teaching your son nothing about respect and consent.

He is free to be secretive about it IF he does not involve women without their knowledge!

I think you are handling this wonderfully. While there is nothing wrong with cross dressing he should not be wearing his mums clothes.

If he asked to borrow a cardi or a blouse or shirt or something thats a different story, and in asking he would likely be allowed. However tights and underwear are a different story, and these can be bought easily and cheapish online! Hopefully he can use some pocket money to buy himself a packet of tights and some knickers!

I would encourage him to apologise to his mum, and maybe talk about it with you both, but if you are aware he is going to buy his own tights etc, then I don't think his mum necessarily needs to know about that

So, he is asking a lot for you to maintain his privacy when he is violating his mother's. I don't think you can promise to do that in the future.