Daughter lying and staying out at boyfriends

[Shitzandfanz]

First time I’ve ever posted anything, usually just read AIBU. My DD is 16 still at secondary and due to do her GCSEs this year. She recently started seeing this boy at school, first boyfriend. Not impressed by it at all but tried being fair. I had hoped she wouldn’t have a bf until she left school. She is A* student and I don’t want this distraction. I have allowed her to go to his house for dinner and spend time with him on a wkend day etc. Boys Mum works at the school. She offered my DD to spend the night, DD text me to ask. I replied “No”. (Hell fucking No! in my head). DD told me they all had a good laugh and that bf’s Mum is fine with her 13 yr old having bf and sleep overs 😳 Not for me ☝️Apparently she’s very cool and laidback 😶 Since this DD’s been lying and going to and staying over at bf’s when he’s at his dads on wkends. I have tried confiscating her phone and grounding but she goes behind my back. I try to enforce my boundaries but we are just butting heads. She went to his everyday after school last wk, wanted to go Friday after school, Saturday to a “friends party” and Mothering Sunday she would have been awol too. She stayed out Friday night 😡 I told her not to bother coming back, raging. She came to collect clothes last night and has gone to stay with a friend. I have a 5 yr old DD also and believe it or not they fight too when together. Single Mum and struggling to cope with my mental health. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice or experience?

So she's not living with you?

Sorry posted early , she is 16 and think you should probably compromise. How long have they been together, has he been to yours?

I think at 16 i would try compromising by saying yes to weekends but be home at x time school nights.

I moved away to study at 16 to the opposite side of the country. I could not imagine not being allowed to go stay at peoples houses. I did however when visiting home follow the house rules of letting dm know when i would or would not be home before a certain point and keep in touch.

I wouldn't try to stop her tbh. I had my first proper relationship at 16. If anything interfered with my studying it was my fucked up home life that affected me. Not having a bf.

If you don't allow her she will just continue to go behind your back. Much better to be tolerant and open about it.

You need to get her home. The fallout from the whole argument could be more of a distraction to her school grades and GCSEs than sleeping at her bfs house.

I would absolutely hate for my DD to be sleeping at her bfs house at 16 but if it was a choice between that and pushing her away to the point of leaving home, give me the sleepovers any day. You have effectively lost control of the entire situation rather than reaching a compromise and keeping hold of some of the reigns iyswim.

The fact is she is 16 and legally allowed to leave home and have sex. I know how that sounds because I also have a daughter and if I was in your shoes I would be tearing my hair out but it would also be important to me to make sure she is aware of contraception (on the pill would be preferable) and that she was to come to me if she had any problems. Yes I would be fucking angry but I would help her in whatever decision she wanted to make.

If I was you I would ask your DD to come home for a chat, explain to her how you feel and see if you can come to an agreement.

I would always rather my DD be honest with me about her whereabouts rather than lie, because if anything ever happened to her I would know exactly where she was.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I remember being a 16 year old girl with a bf and it does make you think the entire world is unfair.

Sending you and hope you get sorted.

Ah OP. Your DD sounds a little like me when I was a teenager!!! I will apologise for the agnst and heartache you feel on her behalf!!

From your OP, you let your DD sleepover at female friends houses... And so the reason you don't want DD to sleepover at boyfriends is because you don't want her having sex?

Unfortunately, if they're gonna do it, they'll do it anywhere and at any time - they won't wait for a sleepover classy I know and so trying to prevent it is futile. I can remember being so frustrated because my parents used to think that 'it' would only happen at night. The poor, niaive buggers.

DD knows this and so will think you're being totally unfair and unreasonable that she can stay at a girlfriend's but not her boyfriends. It shows you don't trust her when she's a bright A* student and if she wants to have sex with him, She will. Be it at night or in the middle of the day. In a bed or behind a bin. If she wants to do it, she will find a way!

Totally feel for you. You either give her the freedom she is craving and hope she's sensible and knows enough about how to stay safe sexually... Making your relationship much stronger and improved... Although it could all backfire if safe sex isn't practiced!

Or, continue to 'push her away' by trying to be a responsible parent (which is what you are) and having DD's best interests at heart.

It's a tough decision! I hope it all works out!!

My parents tried to cut down on the time I could see my boyfriend at the same age, and I just rebelled against it and lied to see him and went from a straight A* student to an average one. It was actually a shitty relationship but I clung on more tightly because it was forbidden and my parents trying to stop it just added a 'love against all odds' aspect to the relationship to my teenage brain which of course made it al the more appealing. I really don't think at 16 you should be treating her like a child, that's why she is acting like one! You don't have to allow her to have her own way 100% just relax your rules a little, it's worth it for a more harmonious relationship with your daughter. You pushing her away and closing off her way back is going to do far more harm to her grades and future mental health than the current situation.