Leaving a teen

[Snowedup]

My DD is 14 and sensible, she is used to either getting in from school and being alone until I get home at 6 for 2 days a week or being left from 6 (had a meal etc) until around 11 for 2 days a week, due to my shift pattern. She has also been OK getting up and off to school in the last 6 months unsupervised, although again I am minutes away and contactable. We worked up to this and I work literally across the road, have a phone as does she and a friend who lives less than 5 mins away. DD is confident and happy with this arrangement, nothing in toward has happened etc.
My issue is that I've been offered another job, nights, and at a distance from home. Due to the travelling involved I'd have to leave at 8pm and not be home before she went to school. My DM has always been amazing regarding childcare and willing for DD to stay there for my 4 nights on. I am not happy about leaving her for so long overnight, when I'm over an hour away and would need to arrange cover before I could leave anyway.
The problem is DD - she doesn't see why she can't be left in these circumstances and is nigh on refusing to go to DMs if I take the job, for 4 nights a week. I've told her basically it's tough, she's going and am now getting silent treatment interspersed with rants about how I don't trust her and I'm being ridiculous etc. I've tried explaining that it's a massive difference how she's left at home now to what the new job will entail, but it's hitting a brick wall! All she sees is she's left now, so it makes no difference where I am or the time involved.
I cannot afford to turn this job down, it's much better prospects, more money and better conditions. But if I force her to go to DMs then she's going to make all our lives hell, which is unfair on DM and my Dsis Dbil and Dbro who live there, not to mention DD is going to be unhappy.
What would you do?

14 is too young to be left alone overnight, NSPCC advises 16+ for overnight leaving.
My 15 yr old is very sensible in a lot of ways but I wouldn’t be happy leaving her overnight even as a one-off. If something bad happens (ie fire) you will be legally responsible pre-16 and could be prosecuted. It’s great that you have somewhere for her to stay, and I can see why she’s fighting it as it’s a change in her routine, but you need to explain why in legal terms.
Teens love to give us silent treatment/talk back, but you need to stand your ground on this one.

Is there anyone else she could stay with or perhaps come to yours? My dd would be precisely the same
Next week I am doing a one off shift finishing at 2am and probably back for 7am but it's only a one off and I'll be 5 minutes up the road if needed. I did suggest she goes to my mum's for the night but she'd rather be at home!
Sorry not much help I know but I wouldn't leave her at home alone for that much for a job.

I also have a 14-year-old DD. OP, I think you should explain to your DD that you do trust her to be sensible, but that is not the issue. Our society does not regard it as acceptable for parents to leave a 14-year-old home alone overnight. That means that if it were to come to the attention of the authorities that you were leaving a 14-year-old home alone overnight, you could find yourself prosecuted. If you work in a job that requires a DBS check, you would then almost certainly be out of a job.

I do have sympathy for your DD, as the job will involve a major change to her routine. Is there any way you could delay this type of job move for another year and a bit until your DD turns 16? Or could one of your adult relatives stay overnight at your house for at least some of the nights so that there is less disruption to DD?

I agree with PPs, explain to her it’s about the legalities of her being left overnight alone and her safety should something go wrong rather than her ability to look after herself. I can understand her opposition at having to stay elsewhere for 4 nights a week but also understand your need to earn a living and further your career as this benefits both of you. Very tricky

The thing is, though, it isn't actually illegal to leave a 14-year-old alone overnight. But, you are legally responsible if anything were to go wrong. I suspect this is why the NSPCC recommend 16+. Once she reaches 16 she is responsible for herself and I think (don't quote me on this) she can take responsibility for a younger child. Thus, 16 yo babysitter - fine; 14 yo babysitter - at your (the parents') own risk.

It's slightly ridiculous, because a 16-year-old can leave home and live independently (and therefore be left alone every night). From my perspective, it would seem reasonable for 14 and 15-year-olds to get a bit of practice, first. It makes no sense to me to adopt an all-or-nothing approach whereby we say to young people, "no, not even one night; no; no; yes, indefinitely".

I'm not trying to suggest a course of action, just giving you something to think about.

Obviously at 14 she can't be left that long but also, the silent treatment etc proves her lack of maturity and understanding. I was going to suggest a compromise that your mum stop at your house but I'd be inclined to not pander to your dd..

Thanks for the replies all.
There's no way she's going to be left for that length of time alone at night, especially when I'm not close enough to be home in minutes, it's not an option.
However I feel I only have 2 courses of action and I'm pissed off at being dictated to by a 14yo. We're pretty much skint, living day to day because my job currently has undergone some changes which has resulted in less hours. I can manage - just, but the new job will benefit both of us, for example I could afford to go on a short holiday together and looking to the future, be in a much better position to support her through college and university, which i just can't now.
The 1st course is to just not take the job. Stay where I am, and continue to struggle, and worry what happens when something breaks. It keeps DDs routine the same, but it also means she goes without (nice clothes, school trips, days out with her friends etc) because there's no money for it.
Second course of action is to take the job, improve our lifestyle and piss DD off. I don't really understand her being so defensive over it, up until she was 14 she was always at DMs when I worked, so it's not alien to her at all.
I brought up with her that her behaviour over this, and refusal to see sense in the regard of just how different this is from how things are now, shows her immaturity and doesn't show her in the best light!

I wouldn't leave her overnight. I also understand why she doesn't want to leave her home and sleep somewhere else for 4 nights a week. Would she come home from school, eat with You, get all her school stuff, homework etc together and go to grand every night? She would have to be sup organised and with gcses coming up soon this could be a real pain for her. Does she have hobbies etc in the evening that would be impacted? I have a 15 yr old and I'm not sure this would be a goer for me. It would be so disruptive for her.

Grands= grans

You cannot let her dictate to you. Take the job. I would also stop buying her more than the basics for a while to show her the reality of being short of money.

You're the adult and I think that you need to decide what's best for your family and its finances, and your daughter needs to mesh in with that. I don't think your proposition sounds too bad, assuming that your mum is genuinely ok with the responsibility (you don't want her to back out apologetically after a couple of months once you've burnt your bridges at your current workplace) and your daughter will have somewhere to study for her GCSEs in peace. Also, it'll only be for 18 months-2 years max, I presume, it's not like she's 6 and this is a ten year deal.

A few months before she turns 16, you could perhaps reduce the weekly days at her gm's to 3, and see how it goes, depending on maturity/behaviour. Conversely, you may not feel she's ready to be alone overnight once she has turned 16. Who knows. It all depends on her behaviour between now and then, which should give her food for thought.

Thanks for the input everyone. Like I've said it's not like it's a sudden change to something she's not used to - being on my own and working shifts since she was born she's always spent a lot of time at DMs. Only in the last year have I been leaving her while I do a short shift.
Anyway I've taken the job and I've told her she will be going to her GMs for the nights I'm working, I will review it when she turns 16 and a lot will depend on her behaviour between now and then. She has accepted it, is not happy at all but has realised I'm not going to change my mind on this. The behavior point, I've pointed out, includes how she behaves while at her GMs.
I have explained until I'm blue in the face that this job while it's not going to magically and instantly take us out of a precarious and unpredictable financial situation, it's going to make things easier and further on will open up opportunities for both of us. She just shrugs....... Oh to be a teen again and not have to worry about this stuff!

She'll get over it after a while when she realises no-one is backing down. It may be painful for a few weeks though. At 14 she needs to know that finance/careers mean compromise.