How do you know if teenage 'angst' is something more serious?

[SadAboutTheBoy]

DS (15) - Year 11, so GCSEs in 3 months. Has always been very sensitive, prone to meltdowns especially when overwhelmed/ stressed.
He's a bit obsessive about things - goes through phases about being passionate about something then drops it and moves onto something else.
Current thing is the gym. Goes every night after school with friends.
DH & I don't have a problem with that, but he is tired when he comes home and we don't believe he is spending enough time on his homework, which is all mostly revision tasks now.
We've been trying to pin him down a bit more -asking him to tell us what homework he has and writing up a list and asking him to tell us what he's doing each night, but he is really pushing back and it quickly ends up in an angry outburst which goes like this:

• GCSEs are the LEAST of my worries right now!
• you have NO IDEA all the other things I have to deal with
• my life is such a mess
• No I won't tell you what I mean
• No I won't talk to someone else about it - nobody else could possibly understand or help me
• You don't care, you hate me, all you care about is exams, god I hate you, I hate school....

I don't know what to make of this. At the time it feels awful and serious and I wonder where we can go for help, and what if it's something serious and he has suicidal thoughts and we didn't do anything?
The about an hour later I will hear him laughing with his brother, or we will take him a hot chocolate and he'll say 'thanks' as if nothing ever happened.

I sort of feel the angry outbursts are partly over dramatised to get us off his back, but then I worry I may be wrong.

I’ve 3 daughters now aged 22 18 13

My eldest self harmed and was suicidal aged 15
She was fine then she stayed at a friends house pet sitting when she cane back she was so different
Self harming suicidal
I never guessed I wa shocked and handled it wrong ....

All you can do is talk to them gently say look you seem different I’m always here if you need me please always remember that
Say if you can’t talk to me write me a letter

It’s tough it was awful - my daughter had children and her eldest has autism she had genetic tests and she has adnormalities I did think there was a problem as she had learning problems young

But teenagers have it tough these days it’s muxh tougher than it used to be

In my experience (as a teacher) kids who don't want to talk about their school work are worried and stressed about it, and resent being pushed to think about it because they find it upsetting. Those who are coping well generally have no problem talking about their work. Or it could be an issue he finds embarrassing to talk about with parents? I wonder if the gym could be an avoidance strategy? I'd suggest trying to have a chat at a time when he isn't upset or feeling pressured, and see if you can draw out what he's actually upset about.

Driving is a good time to talk. No eye contact. Engineer some long drive.

And sometimes you do have to step back where study is concerned. A lot of boys of 15 see no need for study and the more you push the more they push back. At that age my ds just didn't get it. He might realise that as soon as he goes all dramatic you pull back from pushing him into study so he uses it to get you to stop.
Hard and all as it is try to take the focus off study for a bit. So say to him..l am here to help you.if you need me to go through stuff just ask...l am sure you know yourself what you need to do and then step back. Let him know you are there to listen and have lots of other conversations that don't invove study.

It’s very difficult.

I self harmed at age 15 for about 6 months due to bullying ... a year later I was 100% okay and though I have some anxiety as an adult I would never do that again.

To be honest I wouldn't mention his revising. With regards to my son it didn't help one bit me nagging him. Maybe say to him if there's anything you can help with just ask, you're always there for him, care for and love him.
I agree with the no eye contact convo, also a letter or email's another option.

My year 10s would not appreciate me interfering with their revision, I'd get told to back off because they feel they are old enough to take care of it themselves. I think some kids feel the weight of expectation from parents, teachers and themselves and their self worth is rapped around their exam success and this weight of expectation and I think you are in danger of reinforcing this belief with your daily questioning.

haha - your angry outrage bullet points gave me deja vu - they were the sum total of ANY conversation I had with DD between the age of 14.5 and 16... she's 17 now and has mellowed.

I also get "you don't care" from DD15 now - and when pressed I get - "when I get upset and storm off no-one comes to hug me" - apparently there is a teeeny tiny window of time in between "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and "I'm ok" where I should make more effort... Still learning this teenage stuff...

I think you can't make dc engage with school work. You can make them go, do their H/W etc but you can't make them switch on. Active techniques such as testing/ offering to help by writing stuff for him to mark and feed back to you on may help.

Ultimately though it isn't actually the end of the world if he doesn't do well in his GCSEs.

From what you describe I would be worried and encouraging him to see a doctor.

I would back off personally with the study bit anyway, my experience is that if they are going to achieve they will, and no amount of pushing will change that, support is what they need. “If you need any tips jimmy, just ask and we will try and help” then leave it there.
What I would keep my eye on though is the gym, he should not be pushing big weights at 15 and there will be people there who won’t have your sons interest at heart, iyswim. Boys of that age nowadays feel they need muscles to fit in, that is hard for lads to cope with when it isn’t happening. If he drops his fads quickly then it may not last long anyway. But take a gentle interest in his hobby instead of his studies, just ask if he is liking it etc etc he will want to talk more about things he enjoys he probably hates school, and feels it is an unnecessary interruption in his life.

I’d assume there was more to it than angst. Even before he’s said what he said to you which is pretty much confirming it! I’d lay off him trying to set a study schedule as he’s plenty old enough to be on top of that himself. Are you sure he’s going to the gym? I’d be tempted to be there myself occasionally to check and if he is going then what is happening and who else is there? Can’t you arrange a nice day/evening one-on-one with him and when you’re both relaxed/happy over a restaurant meal or something ask what he means? I’d share my traumatic teen stories so he knows I understand what goes on and don’t rebuke him for bad language or anything if he needs to use it to express what’s going on. Then just reassure him you’re there to listen and help and that no problem is insurmountable. Make sure he’s not being blackmailed over nudes or anything!

my tuppence:

He thinks you're always nagging. It won't be end of world if his GCSEs are a disaster. Take some pressure off. Let him be in the driving seat dealing with his life.

It's great he goes to gym a lot. I'd probably be very happy about that.

Don't keep asking him about what his worries or problems are.
Do keep asking (not Mrs. Doyle style) "What can I do to help?" Put this message on gentle once-a-day repeat.

You don't care, you hate me, all you care about is exams, god I hate you, I hate school

"I don't hate you so you're wrong there. I'm sorry you feel so unhappy. Tell me what I can do to make anything easier (school less awful, today less difficult) or to even just cheer you up for five minutes." (daily repeat)

Put yourself at his service.

I think I'd be pressing him (at a suitable moment) on the statement "GCSEs are the least of my worries right now" because frankly that should be more or less all he is worrying about right now so that sounds a bit off to me. What else is going on? Drugs? Steroids? Something else? I think you need to narrow that down a bit.

Thanks for these replies. Just to answer some questions:

• I'm pretty sure he IS at the gym when he says as it's at school and he signs in and out, and sometimes I pick him up when he comes out
• He's a pretty young, immature 15 year old and I think his worries are more likely to be about friendships/ relationships/ fitting in etc, rather than drugs/ steroids etc
• I have been a bit worried about the body image thing as he's been talking about the bulking up thing and had set himself unrealistic goals and nutrition targets. We've had the discussion about 'real food/protein' vs shakes etc and he has said he doesn't want to go down the powders etc route.

Today he has been fine, and once again, it is as if the argument/outburst never happened. He wants to go to the cinema tomorrow night and we said only if could show us that he'd finished his homework and he accepted that without any argument.

The thing is, he is by nature, a bit of a drama queen - nothing is ever just slightly irritating to him, it is always a full-blown, OMG-this-is-the-worst-thing-that-could-ever-happen-to-me sort of response. He does a lots of drama and DH and I do feel that he sometimes 'acts out' a role.

I know that sounds really uncaring, but I don't know how else to explain it. It's the fact that he seems to just click in and out of it so suddenly e.g. massive argument with DH, then 30 secs later he's in his brother's room joshing about .

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick re: drugs/steroids etc. I'm still intrigued by what he meant by GCSEs being the least of his troubles though . I agree it is very difficult to guage the seriousness of things when teens are so up and down (and no it doesn't sound uncaring at all; I sympathise because my dd went through a hugely dramatic phase) and teens in general struggle with putting things in to proportion. I suppose all you can do is keep stating your expectations calmly and telling him you are there if he wants to talk.

hahahha. Yes they are mercurial beasts. Try to enjoy the good moments how ever bizarrely juxtoposed with meltdown grumps.

Could he listen to some revision podcasts while at the gym? (I assume they exist). That way the pressure is off as he is doing something he wants-the gym, and keeping you happy- revising, and actually doing some revision all at the same time. As others have said, bad GCSE’s aren’t the end of the world. But if the ‘my life is a mess, gcse’s Are the least of my worries’ comments come up lots, I think I would be trying to get to the bottom of why. It may just be stress and worry about exams, but it could also be more. My sons dad was very dramatic and if something went wrong it was a massive trauma. I couldn’t deal with him being so OTT, but he suffered from depression, and the smallest incident was a massive hurdle to him. Perhaps have a chat with school and let them know what he is saying. They could arrange a drop in session with him and give him the chance to voice his fears confidentially. The fact he is going to the gym is a good sign - depression often leads to isolation and shutting themselves off, or just not having the energy to do anything. It will also give him a safe place to release his frustration.
I think I would try, as others have suggested, sitting him down when he’s calm and having a frank chat. Explain that exams aren’t the be all and end all, but you’d like him to do the best he can, but will help him on the next leg however well he does. Also tell him you are worried about him. That you are there to help and will do everything you can whatever his problems are - even if that means retaking exams, helping him sort out non study related problems or helping him to arrange some counselling or support sessions. If they can see you’re treating them like an adult they often respond better.

Is there anyone else he could talk to? I’ve been worrying about my DD recently and she opened up today to her Grandmother. It wasn’t planned but DD couldn’t be rude to Grandmother like she is to me.

I have a son if the same age. School work is the least of his worries too. I know exactly how you feel. They don't seem to understand the importance of the exams.

To me this all sounds perfectly normal. One min he is moody and quiet frankly vile the next laughing with his friends on the PlayStation. At least it all seems forgotten in a few minutes if there was a real problem then possibly he wouldn't get over the argument so quickly.

Luckily for me I have a very honest relationship with him we talk about pretty much everything. I have a younger brother who he sometimes stays with and can talk to about absolutely anything.

Personally I think they are too young for the exams and should do then In a couple of years time,

Teenagers seem to love a drama these days. They have all the social media pressure on top of exams. I was a nightmare at his age so maybe I should be grateful. I honestly think it's all hormones and they will grow out of it eventually. He isn't out all night, he isn't mugging granny's and it could be a whole lot worse.

Good luck