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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

19 yo daughter pregnant

17 replies

VonDee · 02/03/2018 00:08

My 19 year old daughter told me yesterday (on the phone while I was at work) "I missed my period and I'm pregnant". She has just started full time work and was getting her life on track. Her boyfriend is a loser and earns minimum wage with no GCSEs and spends most of his time partying with his mates. She wants to keep the baby and thinks they're going to live happily ever after in their own place.

I am totally devastated. I'm furious that I told her to go on the pill weeks ago and she was too lazy to do it. She totally disregards everything I say, this boyfriend has such a hold on her she just can't see that she's about to ruin her life.

I thought my children having kids would be joyful and something I could be involved in but this has just put a massive wedge between us and I don't know what to do. There's plenty of help out there for pregnant teens but who do I turn to?

Thanks for listening I think I needed to vent.

OP posts:

Ollivander84 · 02/03/2018 00:13

I know it seems like a massive wedge but please please don't be too harsh. I had to go through a termination I didn't want because of my parents and it took me a year of counselling, drugs and a PTSD diagnosis to even begin feeling normal again. I have virtually no contact with my mum now, and probably won't have children. She's also been diagnosed with early onset dementia so if I do have them, by that point she will either not recognise me or be dead

I didn't want that to sound harsh but try not to let it drive you apart. Ok so the boyfriends a loser, but she isn't? So in a years time, five years, whenever. She may be on her own and he doesn't want to be involved, she meets a great guy and they have a family
Or he steps up, and turns out to be a good dad...
you just don't know what's around the corner

Isadora2007 · 02/03/2018 00:15

Hey Von
Breathe.
Just take a wee moment to yourself and breathe. You and she will get through this and you and she will love this baby and won’t be able to imagine any other outcome in years to come.
For now- listen to your daughter. Put your own opinion and probably realistic worries to one side for now and speak to her. She may well be saying it will all be fine, but she may well also be terrified, worried, excited, confused etc etc. So get some time to sit and talk. Let her know you are there for her but also that you are aware she is 19 and an adult too and this is her time to become that adult and be responsible.
It will be tough for her, and probably for you too, these next few months. Maybe the boyfriend will step up and this will be the making of him, maybe not.
But a baby isn’t the end of the world. Congratulations Grandma!

Pollyisinmypocket · 02/03/2018 00:16

Just be there for her. It’s disappointing as she should’ve listened but she didn’t and has now learned the lesson. The best thing to do is get rid of the wedge, you and her will look back in a few years time and certainty not thank yourself for it when this should bring you closer together than ever. She needs you, even if the bf is a complete loser like above poster says your daughter isn’t and if she is alone in 5 years time at least she’ll still have you there for supportb

RosemaryHoight · 02/03/2018 00:17

Be kind and enjoy your new little grandchild.

SpiceRack · 02/03/2018 00:17

you need to be there for her even if inside you're not supportive of her decisions or you're going to lose her.

sunshinestorm · 02/03/2018 00:22

I agree with the previous posters, don't let it drive a wedge between you. Support her and be there for her. It's done now.
First step would obviously be for her to get a booking in appt with the doctor and think about her options.
She's 19 so will be 20 when she gives birth. She's an adult so I don't think she's classed as a 'teen pregnancy' when it comes to stuff like having a teenage specialist midwife and support like that. I believe she will be treated like any other adult having a baby.
I know it's a shock right now, take some time to let it sink in.

5BlueHydrangea · 02/03/2018 00:23

It's a big shock for you but try and come to terms with it. It's early days, your daughter is probably a bit in shock herself. Sit down with her and discuss practicalities in a calm way. You probably both need some time to get your head around it all.
I got pregnant at 17, had the baby at 18. My parents were shocked and upset initially but I wanted to keep my baby and they supported me as best they could which was great. Dd's father was a waste of space, very casual about it all but lied saying he would support me then denied paternity once she was born! Has only laid eyes on her once when she as a few weeks old and she is now an adult. With support both practical and emotional from my parents I was fine.
It's not ideal but it's certainly not the end of the world. My dd and I are very close and have a great relationship. She is also very close to my parents which is great.
No decisions need to be rushed into. Pregnancy is long. Don't push her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Just be as supportive as you can and take things slowly .. together.

Goodasgoldilox · 02/03/2018 00:27

This is not what you hoped and planned for her - it is really hard - but it isn't a disaster. Or at least it won't be if you can hold on for a little.

She will have her children young - physically a good thing.

So she takes time out to look after them but this is just a matter of doing that now rather than later.

No doubt she will learn that you are right about her boyfriend. Girls often do - but have to learn this for themselves. It is tough that we can't give them our experience/wisdom to save them time.

Be there for her. No criticism - just support for her choices and what will happen next. She is going to need you - and so will your grandchild. This need not be a wedge. It can be a bond.

Grieve for the life you imagined but be open to the new one that will happen in its place.

italiancortado · 02/03/2018 00:27

am totally devastated. I'm furious that I told her to go on the pill weeks ago and she was too lazy to do it. She totally disregards everything I say, this boyfriend has such a hold on her she just can't see that she's about to ruin her life.

She is an adult. Stop telling her what to do. Be supportive without dictating.

thought my children having kids would be joyful and something I could be involved in but this has just put a massive wedge between us and I don't know what to do.

It still can be joyful. It's easy to remove the wedge. Accept things. Be there for her.

jacobsgirl · 02/03/2018 02:12

I was 19 when I had my little boy and it's the best decision I've ever made.

Your daughter is stronger and wiser than she may seem at 19 - boyfriend or not things will be just fine

The best gift my parents ever gave me was being kind and supportive when I was pregnant and I've always remembered that time with pride and fondness

Original poster

VonDee · 02/03/2018 11:29

Thanks for the replies. We did have it out with her last night but having read the replies I just want to build bridges with her. The unfortunate thing is I don't see a way she and a child can live with us, we just don't physically have the room. Also we both work full time and our younger daughter is going through GCSEs and will be starting college to do A Levels when the baby comes.

I would like to be involved but to be honest over the last couple of years she has never listened to any of our advice on anything. Her life is ruled by what will make her boyfriend happy. Feeling very sad at the moment.

OP posts:

HRTpatch · 02/03/2018 11:31

So sorry for your situation OP.
I would feel the same.

NerrSnerr · 02/03/2018 11:33

It's up to you whether you want to be supportive and help her find somewhere to live. If my parents 'had it out with me' for getting pregnant I'd find it hard to forgive them.

isittheholidaysyet · 02/03/2018 11:47

My Dsis got pregnant unexpectedly at 19. She had just started uni, which she had to leave, and was living away from home.
We are a religious family and I'll admit we didnt handle it well, and she didn't get the emotional support she needed initially. Don't make our mistake.

However by 2 months later, we had all got over ourselves and were all excited about the baby coming, my mum and dad supported her and the baby's father, every way they could. They even helped by being guarantors for accommodation etc.

She stuck with the father, (he is the love of her life). They married a couple of years later. (She spent a long time deciding that that she wanted him, and it wasn't because of the baby) they are still together and have some more kids.
She ran her own business for years, but went back to Uni to do her original course when her youngest was 6, and is aware of how much better it was for her to do it with all that life experience, than if she had done it at 19.

THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

Find a friend to sound off to, to support you, and to help uou deal with the shock, and be there for her.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/03/2018 12:09

Maybe it will be the making of them both? And if not, perhaps she can live on your sofa for a few months while she works out a plan? Whatever happens you can't decide for her, so just look at the positives, main one being a gorgeous little grandchild who will steal your heart away in about 6 months time!

Apologize for your shocked reaction and just focus on the positives.

tinytreefrog · 09/03/2018 08:49

Try to get out of your head the idea that she has ruined her life, it most likely will not be the case.

I got pregnant at 18, it was the making of me. I really don't know where I would have ended up if I hadn't. I literally dropped out of everything I ever did until dd came along!

My partner and I hadn't been together long, around three or four months and my parents were very worried. However they supported me with my choice to keep the baby and helped where they could. Like you they didn't have the room for us to be at home with them, but I upped my hours at my part time job, and my OH, who was already working full time and I rented a place together. I'm not saying it was easy, times were tough financially for many years, but my dd was the light of my life and she made everything worth while.

Fast forward 14 years and we both have decent jobs and a decent income, we own our own home and have another DC. I don't think that my children are at any sort of disadvantage for having a teenage parent, they are wonderful, bright, amazing children and I am so proud of them every day.

Support your dds decision what ever that may be. Be there for her and try not to criticise her choice of partner. It'll only drive you apart. This baby may well be the making of him, he may turn out to be a wonderful father and really sort himself out, you need to give him the chance.

specialsubject · 09/03/2018 18:34

She doesn't get to move in with you. Fine, she's pregnant and wants the baby. Now she needs to plan for housing, money and childcare.

Here's hoping it is indeed the making of them. It can be if they are realistic.

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