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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Eldest (14) is so mean to his sister (9)

15 replies

BettyBo33 · 01/03/2018 21:47

Constantly. There may be a break from his relentless meanness if she is doing something for him/with him he wants/ a rare moment,but for the most part she cannot do or say anything without him commenting. Most things she says or does is met with ridicule or questioning. He’s impatient and critical, takes the mickey out of her. I tell him to stop and he keeps doing it. I tell him to stop again and he says he’s doing nothing. Sometimes he flat out says no when I say don’t do it. I’ve tried ignoring it and disciplining. Tonight it came to my head and DH lost it big time. I know it is effecting DD. She’s always trying to please him and she’s so sweet,always defending him even when’s he being horrid to her. DS is a great kid when he’s not being like this.I know teen years are hard and his hormones are all over but I don’t think it can justify bullying your sister or being rude to adults (other problem we’ve had re school) It’s almost like if he’s good at home his school behaviour deteriorates and vice versa. His sisters are half sisters and he has never known his bio dad and over the years I wondered how this might manifest and if this is partly to do with that..my DH has been there for him since he was a baby and treats them the same. DH is Dad.Should I talk to him about this? He doesn’t talk to me about his bio dad though I’ve said over the years if he ever wanted to ask me anything he could..maybe I’m just looking for excuses for why he’s acting up. .I’m just at a loss really.

OP posts:
orangesticker · 02/03/2018 07:00

I'd ask him to leave the room and come back when he can be civil....

Afreshcuppateaplease · 02/03/2018 07:03

I have a 10 year old ds and an almost 5 year old dd so similar age gap. He can be horrible to her for no reason. Of my 4 dc they are easily the worst together.

Watching for ideas

PlateOfBiscuits · 02/03/2018 07:10

I would talk to him about it at a time when he’s not being horrible with as little tension as possible. Ask him to come out for a walk with you or something and (try to) have a calm chat.

fleshmarketclose · 02/03/2018 07:18

I think you need to consistently issue consequences that hurt until he gets the message. It's really not on and he's old enough to know better.
What does he like to do? Gaming? Remove the controllers. Change the wifi password. Dock his pocket money. Remove his phone.
Don't get into discussion,tell him it's not acceptable and you won't stand for it. Tell him that from now on he will be getting a consequence each time without warnings and let him see you mean business.
If he plays up at school because you are getting tough at home support the school in them issuing consequences too. Time to show him he isn't the boss and you mean business.

Dancinggoat · 02/03/2018 07:19

He's bullying her and you need to do more than tell him not to.
Please get the book siblings without rivalry. It will help you understand why and what is happening. Then how to deal with it.
In the meantime every time he is mean to her make him leave the room. You need zero tolerance to it. Warn him from now on this is how it will be. Then stick to it.
Tell him to go to his room and come back when he's going to be civil.
Take his phone etc if he continues.
He needs firm boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour.

orangesticker · 02/03/2018 07:25

I'd be tempted to have a round table discussion with the whole family present, including your dd about his behaviour - help her to tell him how he makes her feel, you and your dh need to explain how his behaviour is affecting you and the whole family. He needs to know the impact of his behaviour.

selftitledalbum · 02/03/2018 07:28
Confused
RowenasDiadem · 02/03/2018 07:29

I agree with the posters saying send him out. It would be an instant "Get out" from me every single time. He will be slowly destroying your daughter's confidence as self worth. Then punish. As another pp said, game controllers, Wifi password or phone removal etc.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 02/03/2018 07:32

Yes to finding a calm time to talk to him. Tell him exactly what you’ve written in your op. Tell him he’s great so you don’t get what this is about and let him know how his behaviour affects his sister and the rest of the family.
Do they spend time together? Even doing some chores together can help them to interact in a different way.

Alienspaceship · 02/03/2018 07:39

Why does he do this? What’s his perception? Does he perceive her to be treated more favourably in any way? That sounds provocative, I honestly don’t mean to be, but there might be a root cause. His perception might not be accurate of course. Can any other family member or friend give you an objective view?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/03/2018 12:24

Watching this. I have 2 DS, aged 14 and 10, and my eldest is the same.

I think what saddens me most is how the youngest still idolises his older brother, despite a non-stop drip-drip of contempt.

PlateOfBiscuits · 02/03/2018 13:39

I agree he needs to know orangesticker but do you not think that a 3 vs 1 chat will end in the 1 storming off? Especially when that 1 is a teenager.

orangesticker · 02/03/2018 13:51

Maybe he'll storm off but the message of solidarity is important...his behaviour is impacting the whole family. I find after a teen has stormed off and I give them some time to calm down they are often in a good place to express how they feel and listen to the other side to. There should be no anger directed at him, you are trying to show him how to resolve problems by talking about feelings. I don't believe punishments will help here - he will just resent his little sister even more.

blueskyinmarch · 02/03/2018 13:55

My DD1 was really mean to DD2 at that age. Also a 5 year age gap. It drove me mad and we were constantly having 'words'. Fast forward 4 years and DD went to uni and DD2 was a young teen and things started to look up. Now at age 20 and 25 they get on really well. Hang in there - there is light!

BettyBo33 · 03/03/2018 10:55

Thank you for all the replies and advice. DH spoke to him in the morning. DS apologised to me. He built a snowman with DD in the afternoon and though there was a simmering of annoyance from him to her nothing escalated (and I will not let it now. Asking him to leave the room is the best bet, and ignoring him if he gets cross about it)

OP posts:
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