Should I still host (and pay for) his party?

[goldiehawn1]

My son seems to just not want to bother with anything. It's not recent. He just can't be bothered to work at school, turn up on time, help round the home, cook, be polite and just a behave in a decent manner in the home.

He smokes weed, which doesn't help his moods and he is about to turn 18 in s few days time. Despite me doing ALL I can to help him make some sort of plan for life after school, he seems absolutely incapable of making ANY decision on anything.

As a result, nothing solid ever gets planned and it's the same for his 18th birthday treat.

So, having just planned a family gathering for Cocktails followed by Chinese, I get a letter from school saying he is in trouble for not handing in coursework and his attendance is so poor it will affect his end grade and also i may have to pay for his exams .

I asked him to I stack the dishwasher and he told me to F off and I'm just utterly FED UP with him.

My question is do you think I should just cancel my plans for his birthday treat or not? It's going to cost me ££££ and I just am wondering why I should ....

I'm not sure what to do.

It's like saying his behaviour is acceptable recently when it hasn't been YET it is his 18th and perhaps shouldn't go unnoticed.

Any thoughts greatly received 🙂

I wouldn't pay for anything after he told you to fuck off.

Cheeky shit.

I'd cancel.

He needs to get off drugs, sort out school and learn respect, not be taken out drinking as a treat.

Where is he getting the money for weed?

He behaves like this because he can.

Stop him. Enforce consequences.

I'd cancel. It's so tough, isn't it? The moment he told you to fuck off, though, he blew it.

Clearly the weed is affecting his motivation. Who's he mixing with?

If he's not working at school/college then he needs to leave and get an apprenticeship. There really isn't any other option.

I wouldn't feel like doing anything if I'd been told to fuck off, that's awful. Does he actually care about your birthday plan? Will the rest of the family be disappointed?

If he's not bothered I would be tempted to scale it right back and save the money. Is he depressed or just totally disengaged do you think?

I cancelled dds party for a similar reason, I had warned her I would should she continue. She went completely ballistic , smashed her entire room bbbuutttttt it did teach her a lesson and she does tend to pay some attention when I say no as opposed to thinking she'll just get what she wants with nothing in return.

I’m going against the grain here - i’d Push on with it, but more for you and the family to celebrate. I’d hope he would realise that it’s unconditional and you’re still a family, and it’s a celebration for YOU. I would want to do something to mark the occasion.

Saying that, if You were throwing a party for him and his mates, then i’d Say cancel with a big ‘fuck off’ thrown in for good measure.

Cancel the party. Your son is rapidly heading for a life of piss taking and you are encouraging this by enabling his drug habit and not having consequences for poor performance at school and lack of work. To get a letter home like that is very unusual and before compulsory participation came in he'd have been booted out long before now. Parent him whilst you still have the authority to do so, and don't be afraid to ask him to leave your home once he's an adult if he can't abide by your rules. He is making these choices.

Sorry but yes, I would cancel. You asked to load the dishwasher and he told you to fuck off! He’s an adult, he needs to grow up and take some responsibility for himself. Forget about his birthday.

My take is that he whilst he's disrespectful and unwilling to participate in family life then he doesn't get to enjoy the benefits of it.

Tbh from what you've described it's doubtful if he would be even the slightest bit grateful for any party.

In your place I'd be setting some very clear expectations (educational performance, kicking the weed, chores at home) and say when he's proved consistently for 3 months he can adhere to them ie behave as an adult you'll consider recognition of that fact by finally celebrating his birthday.

Strikes me you're at the point of having one last shot of incentivising him to get his life back on track or spending the next decade as a weeded out wastrel.

I'd cancel the party because there's a risk you have to ay for his exams - actions have consequences and this is a natural consequence, it's not a punishment, it's what happens when you don't fulfil your side of the bargain - it's grow up time. Also stop doing stuff for him - being nice will not make him behave better.
Celebrate his birthday but make it more low key....family dinner a cake and a bottle of something fizzy.