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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to get on with teenage son

14 replies

Slightlygreyhair · 28/02/2018 17:24

We just seem to fight all the time and little things set it off. If I say something that doesn’t chime with what he thinks - it all flares up really quickly. And I’m left wondering if I’m going mad.

He’s my third child and my first two weren’t as bad as this
Today he described a teacher as being irrational because the teacher chucked some pupils can of juice in the bin during lessons. I said I could see the teachers point, and DS got really angry with me. But said it was me who was arguing.

I’m starting to become depressed and sometimes he says it’s me that’s over reacting. So I just don’t know anymore.

Does anyone have general advice/ how to cope/ books to read. Should I see someone?

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 28/02/2018 20:52

Can you get a third party to mediate between you, a relative you both like ?

Have you asked the school what he’s like at school, perhaps theirs a problem

It would be worth thinking about any changes at home as those could be upsetting him.

Original poster
Slightlygreyhair · 28/02/2018 21:34

Thank you.

There are stressors in his life - which I know about - but don’t want to say about because it’s identifying. But yes, maybe he’s not coping so well and I’m bearing the brunt of it. Never used to be like this.

Also thinking maybe he felt I was cramping his independence- I walked down to school today - with the dog. Thought it would be a nice thing to do - maybe it just made him feel babied and irritated him

OP posts:
lljkk · 28/02/2018 22:07

You're a safe target... try not to take his criticism personally (hard, I know).
Are you the main or only parent figure in his life?

Luckything50 · 28/02/2018 22:13

First of all if you've been through this twice before you know MUCH more about all this than me, but a few things you said struck a chord so thought I'd add my 2p's worth.
My 14 yo ds (v clever, sensitive, touchy, lovely) gets SO cross if he thinks I take sides against him - he too will get furious if I say 'yes but I think ...' and put a different point of view. I now realise that's he just needs to vent (and may just be being confrontational) but if I'm non committal and just mumble a bit appearing to agree how unreasonable everyone else is he calms down. It's about being 'on his side'. I also ask his opinion about stuff and try and avoid any subject I think will cause conflict. It's not that I think he should be able to get away with bad behaviour- more that I realised most schools are horribly confrontational, low level aggressive places for most students (even good ones) and it's difficult for them to switch off the defences. (Best form of defence is attack). Avoid confrontations FOR him, laugh with him, eat a burger, watch some YouTube rubbish, all to improve your relationship so that when you need to disagree with him about something important he's more likely to be able to accept it. Might help? Anyway good luck - by far the hardest bit of parenting so far!

Original poster
Slightlygreyhair · 28/02/2018 23:09

Thank you, I think you’re right. The other two have had their own difficulties- but this is the most painful by far.
Thank you

OP posts:
SisterNotCis · 02/03/2018 08:27

I think at this age you still have to meet them more on their side than in the middle. Their sense of injustice at the world just seems to be heightened. This week (the bad weather) means we have been at home more. I have sat through the films Hulk and Thor to show interest in his taste in films and it was a chatty good time. But not films I would ever have chosen.

SisterNotCis · 02/03/2018 08:28

Also I think they do need to get out and do some sport. It definitely helps DS.

Original poster
Slightlygreyhair · 02/03/2018 08:42

Thanks. I am trying to push sport. He is resistant because of medical problems- but I also think it’s a good idea.
(The medical problems are relevant- but now I think the teenage years are much more the acute problem- so why I haven’t gone into detail)

Thanks - I really needed some clear thinking.

OP posts:
SisterNotCis · 02/03/2018 09:01

If he doesn't like team sport what about something like a climbing wall place or cycling club ?

Original poster
Slightlygreyhair · 02/03/2018 09:31

Climbing wall is a good idea
So is cycling - but I’m not sure it’s so do-able.
Yes, team sports just cause stress

There are times when mumsnet is truly useful!

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/03/2018 11:50

Def don't be walking to school with the dog. I agree it's a lovely thing to do in our eyes ..... but not in theirs!!

Original poster
Slightlygreyhair · 02/03/2018 13:19

I know! A few years ago he would have been delighted. How quickly it changes.
Making the most of enjoying his younger brother before he changes too!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/03/2018 14:02

This:
You're a safe target... try not to take his criticism personally (hard, I know)

I've never been one for 'parenting books', but did find Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex into Town a useful read at this stage.
Also How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk, too.

Oh, and don't walk to school with him Grin

Original poster
Slightlygreyhair · 02/03/2018 15:09

Ive read the first, but not the second. Me neither - but the teenage years need some extra help/ wisdom

Don’t worry - he is walking home alone from now on - snow/ ice/ whatever...😄

OP posts:
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