15yr old DS is so hopeless – worried for his future.

[Drained]

I'm feeling so very anxious about my DS – I don't mean to have a downer on him, but he really is hopeless in so many ways and it just doesn't seem to be getting better.
He has dyslexia which contributes to many of the problems I think.
He is so totally disorganised, lacking in any direction or motivation, but won't let us help him. School work is a battle, and I think his GCSEs this year are going to end up being fairly average. He has this idea that he's going to become a famous actor, yet isn't doing much to pursue that goal. For example has only had one tiny part in a school play in a year.

The problem is that he seems completely deluded and lacking in self awareness of how he comes across to other people. When something goes wrong, he always finds an excuse or somebody else to blame for it, even when it's very clear that it is his fault.

He is so totally disorganised and unreliable (terrible timekeeping) and I suspect he has missed out on lots of opportunities at school because of this – several teachers have expressed their frustrations at what they see as his lack of engagement. But he just doesn't see his own role in how things play out and just blames other people and paints himself at the victim in everything.
It's impossible to reason with him or get him to consider an alternative point of view.

I just can't see how he will ever be able to find any job in the future unless something changes. But I can't see how to help him change either. Would something like CBT help?

yr10 or yr11?
Help him make a plan for what happens after yr11. Anything legal & vaguely productive that fills most of his time is on the table.

Have you considered he might also have dyspraxia? The disorganisation and poor time keeping sounds very much like dyspraxia to me (i have a relative with dyspraxia).

Your description reminds me is my ds.
He's at university now and much more engaged with his work; he still blames everything on bad luck or other people. I hope he will grow out of it.

What I'm trying to say is it hasn't totally held him back.

he is probably saying he is going to be a famous actor to avoid thinking about failure - I'm sure he doesn't think he is going to be a famous actor - its a way of heading you off, especially with the school work an issue.

He sounds a bit depressed, is there anything you can do to bolster his self esteem that doesn't involve reminding him that he is disorganised? Just some little activity he can do where he feels good about himself, rather than any demand?

Ds has dyspraxia and at 15 did a lot of that faux I'm going to be a famous footballer, I'm going to be a celebrity, I'm going to be a star. It was ridiculous he was terrible at sport and very shy at acting. It turned out that he wanted to think of a time when all his classmates would admire and worship him, instead of regarding him as rather stupid and boring.

So I suppose we had to remind him that his boring self was worth befriending spending time with, not this celebrity self.

Ds liked films, and going to films. He also likes singing and is very good at it (but refuses to join extra curricular choirs/orchestras outside school) these things increase his morale, we don't press it on him that he is good at this things and has to succeed with them, more that we don't "diss" them in favour of other things he should be doing, like be tidy or sociable or energetic.

Ds is very bad at school work, he himself made the point that decidedly average is still a pass. There were children in his school who did not pass their GSCEs, I think it reminded us that ds was still lucky to be able to go on a 3rd level course at sixth form, AND that if he hadn't passed most of his GSCEs he would still have been welcomed by many many other vocational courses which only wanted English and Maths. If he had done carpentry or catering it would not have been the end of the world, in fact it would have been great if he had wanted to those things.

Getting a job is a long way off, and I think it makes them feel very tense to be reminded of their long term unemployability. Plenty of people get jobs in the right fields, when they grow up, fields their parents might not have considered, but which suit them - there is a whole world out of there, and academic qualifications are only a small part, often children get put off because they are no good at school, but in a different setting they find their metier.

I suspect your son has some form of inattentive ADHD and Dyspraxia not just dyslexia, and his confidence is severely affected by this. He won't want help because his self esteem will be bound up in trying not to think about his failings.

in short, ds hated feeling like a failure so try and give him small things to feel good about, a bus journey, a trip to buy his own sandwich, a shared tv programme and his opinion on it, and then once he feels better about himself he might feel less defensive. Dh used to make ds a lovely breakfast every morning and bring it to him in his bedroom, that helped too. Little acts of encouragement. A tutor for school work helped a bit too. It felt less like parental prodding than our help, which he always always rejected.

reasoning never works with teenagers either. I often write notes or texts, and I keep reminding him that things will work out one way or another. I also talk in a very simple way about jobs he might do or where he might live or go to uni - I think he finds it difficult (with dyspraxia) to imagine things except in quite a literal way, so I try and talk quite specifically about places or activities (often of dh's and I's life at uni or work or as teenagers/students) rather than a general way about jobs or futures.

@Nettleskins

Great post and very wise words indeed.

For the OP I would only add to try and find something that your DS really likes doing. When our DS was around the same age, he was struggling in similar ways at school, and he started a climbing course at a local climbing wall - every Saturday for a few weeks.

Anything that can make him feel part of something.

Would also echo the idea of getting a tutor - preferably a kind one with a sense of humour who can make the lesson a fun thing, rather than a bossy one. Our DS benefited greatly from a maths tutor once a week.

I think as long as they can pass maths/English - that's good. But even saying that - mental health is more important than any exam.

Have you considered he might also have dyspraxia? The disorganisation and poor time keeping sounds very much like dyspraxia to me (i have a relative with dyspraxia).

Your description made me say 'That's DS' - and he has dyspraxia. As do I, and it was a good description of me still at the same age.

Oh DS has inattentive ADHD as well.

I think there's also another issue here. As parents we only want whatvis best for our dcs. We want them to be happy, successful and to progress through life with little hardship. My ds 22 is like your DS. Disorganised, last minute, a bit flappy! Frustrating for us to watch but baghingbus pointless.!
He's trying hard to get a good job but his nerves and uncertainty get the better of him at interviews. He is employed but not in the sector he's qualified in.
But I'm often reminded of the danish motto regarding schoolwork and life - and they do very well following it - there's nothing wrong with being okay and average. Okay is good, it's not poor. It's okay.

He's taken a lot of comfort from that, it took a lot of pressure off him and he's improved since okay became ok! IYKWIM

Oh my god - my typing! I meant nagging is pointless.

Sounds a lot like DP who is dyspraxic. He does the excuses thing, I think it’s usually either out of embarrassment or he thinks something can’t be his fault if he genuinely forgot or didn’t fully comprehend his role in the task etc. Doesn’t take any initiative to remind himself of things, which can be frustrating as it feels like hes overestimating his ability to remember/complete things but truth is he forgets that he’s forgetful and isn’t organised enough to implement anything to help his disorganisation.

Id work on strategies he can take ownership of, or just accept that’s the way he is - I think dyspraxic kids can feel a lot of pressure to be “better” as the condition often isn’t well undertsood, and at least in DPs case that just made him want to put his head further in the sand.

Ds was also diagnosed with Vit D deficiency (I suspect it had built up since about 13/14 when he went outside less in the sunshine and stopped wearing shorts etc). I know people whose children have been folate (B vitamins) deficient or iron deficient, all organic causes of anxiety poor concentration lethargy irritability. Lack of sleep also contributes, phones on late at night. Ironically child with ADHD or dyspraxia often crave stimulation to get their brains working and that is what the phone or tv provides short term. Cup of tea first thing in the morning and caffeine also is good for giving stimulation without medical drugs/tv, can get your child focussing.

Ds2 (who has ASD) had terrible time keeping. We helped him by first dropping him places in car, then buddying him up with someone who had better timekeeping when he went to his fave activities. Strangely enough he has become much much punctual and focused aged 16 than he was at 13/14, could it be brain development over puberty? Ds is now tall and grownup I think his brain has made new links that it didn't have in those early teen years - could be my imagination but the moustache has lead to more focus!!!

Thank you - such a lot of sensible advice here. It's reassuring to not feel so alone.
He's Year 11, so GCSEs very soon, which is probably why we're all feeling the anxiety. DH and I are trying to be soooooo patient and positive, but sometimes the frustration builds up so much that I have go into another room and scream (quietly...).
I hadn't thought about dyspraxia or ADHD - will need to investigate further. His dyslexia diagnosis was later (year 10!) so we're just coming to terms with that.
Cough -"he forgets that he’s forgetful and isn’t organised enough to implement anything to help his disorganisation" this is the perfect description of DS! I was trying to show him how to use the voice function on his phone to send him a reminder, or create a calendar event, and he was just saying 'Mum, I'll never use this, I don't need it" and this was just seconds after me asking him for the seventh time (I kid you not) to try to remember to pick up something at school from a certain place.
I know he is embarrassed and frustrated himself because he tries to lie to hide the facts when things go wrong e.g. "the teacher forgot to send us the homework, so that's why I have to do it tonight" and then I see the email dated a week ago with the homework task .
I agree he just craves being admired and recognised for something. Like another poster's DS, he also loves films and is good at singing, but only does a limited amount of it at school.

Dyspraxia goes hand in hand with ADHD, dyslexia and ASD. DS jnr has ADHD, dyspraxia, dyscalculia and ASD!

Can you not get him into a local amateur dramatics club if that is his thing? A friend's son does this and loves it.

He has already been a member of at least two drama clubs and his school is very active too, running 3-4 performances a year. We've encouraged him to try so many different things over the years - sports, scouts, swimming, drama, music and they all seem to have turned sour. I don't think he's very resilient, gives up too easy, expects instant results etc. There's always an excuse why he can't do something e.g. Wrong night of the week, too many girls (drama club), doesn't like the people (scouts), it's not cool (singing). He has started going to the gym with some friends which I'm happy to support if it gives him some self esteem.

I thought dyspraxia too. My DS15 has it. He’s having CBT at school for his difficulties with relationships (family and friends) and it’s helping.

He needs to find his passion. DS loves skateboarding, and lives to skate. He fits in socially there too as there are ‘rules’ and etiquette and people who share his passion.

My son is only ten, but has appalling organisation skills. He has dyslexia, doesn't have dyspraxia and waiting on asd assessment.

He is seeing an occupational therapist who is doing brilliant work with ds to help with his organisation. Basically, he'll never be able to do things like a "typical" person, so it's about putting things in place that help. So ds uses check lists, alarms, routine , colour coding books and copies for different subjects eg maths are covered in blue. He has a thing around his neck under his jumper with his reminders clipped on to it, so he can check when needed (this will be used for locker key/bus pass when he moved to point primary)

There's lots that can be done. I'd day look into occupational therapy if you can.

if even he has given up things in the past, don't worry too much - I think of it as beneficial experiences rather than failed attempts. Sometimes they get something out of it, even if they don't continue, and it is quite important not to push the issue, so I think you are doing the right thing. Friends and gym sounds exactly the sort of low key self motivated thing that I would suggest.

Another good activity for ds2 (although I have to say ds1 failed to get out of bed for this so it never came to anything, although he did try it twice) is the Park Run. There are branches all over UK and it is again very low key, not overtly competitive, lots of rewards, and lots of age groups which I think good too. Ds2 ran about 40 Park Runs at 14/15, he then converted the enthusiasm into general sportiness. I think it did him the world of good. Now he plays a bit of tennis with a friend. He is very dyspraxic and not at all good at sport generally but has become so self motivated and enthusiastic. Refused to join a lot of groups in his time so this is a new development that he IS motivated and relaxed about these activities. I think it is a social thing/skills problem, some groups are very socially demanding and therefore it is too much for them even if the activity itself is good.

this sounds quite exactly like me at that age, (and a bit now, except its a bit more dreamy now) and i indeed did end up with an ADHD diagnosis. best thing thats ever happened to me as i got all the help i needed and still do

Nettleskeins, I just wanted to say I found your posts so thoughtful and insightful - thank you.

My 16 year old DS was diagnosed with mild dyspraxia last summer and virtually all of your points are very resonant!.