12yr old DS says he wants to die

[Scragyanny]

I woke up this morning to a txt from my 12yo son saying I think I want to die.
He has low self esteem issues, not helped by old school step dad. DS's dad took his own life when he was 3 and had depression. I have spoken to DS recently about him maybe being depressed and perhaps going to the Drs. He doesn't want to speak to the school, but is agreeing to drs. How do I go about getting a Drs appt? We have this weird system where you phone up & the dr calls back to determine if they think you need an appt. I'd rather go and have a chat with them first without DS as I usually end up getting upset! In primary school I spoke to Drs about his destructive & aggressive behaviour and all Drs would do was say his school should be able to deal with this. He had senco support for couple of terms which helped massively, along with a lovely male teacher who I think was probably the real reason things improved. I don't want to go to Drs and be told I have to go through the school though. Anyone else got any advice/experiences to share please?

That is awful, i'm so sorry for you and your poor boy. Is the step-dad still living with you? What is he doing that is making your ds feel so terrible?

I presume the Drs told you to go through school about his aggressive behaviour because it was mainly having an impact in school? Perhaps they thought it was within the ususal spectrum of bad behaviour that schools deal with. I'm sure they would take a different approach this time.

I hate that phone system you mention but almost all GP's have adopted it now, presumably to try to put off people who constantly make unneccessary appts but I suspect it also puts off people who are in genuine need. Given your ds history and the fact that he is potentially suicidal I highly doubt the Dr would not see him and should also agree to see you without him first if that's what you prefer.

You could also contact Samaritans or Mind, if you wanted someone to talk to about it in RL to give you some support.

I think you ring the phone system and when they call you back you say very clearly that your son has expressed suicidal tendencies. They will take it seriously

Does the school have any in-house psychology/counselling support? I agree entirely with the poster above that you tell the Doctor very plainly about what he’s said to you.

It sounds like he’s had emotional issues for a while, so these are worth reiterating - these problems aren’t new. Behavioural problems in childhood are always a way of communicating that something isn’t quite ok.

Your son is smart and brave for articulating himself. You are brilliant for getting moving and seeking help straightaway. I hope you both come through this.

Hi Rufian, step dad isn't the cause, but doesn't understand the need to boost up those with low self esteem, he just thinks he should get on with it and not get special treatment. They have never really got on well and avoid each other most of the time. But that just means I'm a single parent even though we all live in the same house!
Also the issues at primary school were not at school- he is completely fine at school and generally well behaved and getting good grades. The issues were at weekends when he went into total meltdown and started smashing things up. School worked with him on his frustration and better ways to deal with things which worked most of the time. Just recently he has got in a fight with a friend though and gave him a black eye. He was extremely remorseful and has started thinking he is a bad person again which I think is what triggered this. Just wish there was a magic cure!

Maybe the step dad just being around isn't helping? I don't think I could tolerate someone so indifferent to my child! He should love and want to support him. Your ds will notice and care.

I really hope the gp will see you without the stupid phone call thing first. Suicidal thoughts should jump the queue. You carry on fighting for him.

It doesn't sound the best home environment for a vulnerable child scragyanny but I was worried you might mean something worse in your OP.

Are there going to be consequences about the fight with his friend and is that adding to his worries?

The fact that he's prepared to talk to the Dr shows a lot of maturity and you are definitely doing the right thing by seeking help for him. Don't be put off by the system and your partner's lack of support, just plough on through and do your best as you have been doing.

Sadly there aren't magic cures for any of the things we have to go through as humans but he sounds like a good kid and I hope he can get the help he needs to deal with his thoughts and emotions.

I don't have any experience of Childline but they might be a source of direct support for him while he's waiting and feeling so low.

Poor lad and hugs to you OP. I'm glad he let you know how he is feeling. He sounds very mature. He needs help. Visit your GP surgery and tell them what he said. ask for an urgent appointment. They need to take this seriously. They may be able to offer an urgent referral to CAMHs, but in the mean time, he needs some interim help. I don;t know enough about depression to know if it is hereditary, but as his Dad had it, would this make him more likely to have it too? He is coming up to an age, which has its own challenges, without throwing mental health into the mix too, so I really hope you are able to get some good support in place for him quickly. Good luck OP.

Thanks all. I'm going to phone the Drs this morning. No additional worries from the fight, the other parents were really good about it and the boys are still friends, just DS feels really bad about it.

How could he not have low self esteem living with two adults one of whom apparently ignores him? I really don't see how that can work

Saoirse31, he doesn't ignore him, they just have very different opinions on things. He provides for him, does school runs etc etc, but as an outdoor person doesn't or can't see the attraction of gaming and computers, instead of football! Plus hes not around a lot anyway due to work and visiting his own kids, so its not a massive problem. A lot of his self esteem issues come from his dad's suicide, and thinking he wasn't good enough for him to stick around, it would just help if his SD could big him up a bit rather than just not understand him.

Anyway- update. I did the Dr thing, couldn't get a call back but they arranged a GP phone call appt for yday evening. I spoke to the GP who is setting up a CAMH's referral without even seeing DS. DS is ok with this, so cross fingers and hopefully we can get him back on an even keel soonish.

A CAMHS referral can take ages and even then can be refused because of lack of resources. My gp actually told us my dd probably wouldn’t get seen by CAMHS in our area. We had to pay for dd to see someone as we had no other option.
I found youngminds.org.uk/ really helpful.

Thanks lulu. Just had a call from Single point of access, who basically said we need to access whatever support is available at school first even thought the gp had done a direct referral to CAHM's, and he'd had CAHM's support at primary school!. But we can ask for another CAHM's referral if we try & things don't improve. Got to work out what I need to do with the school now! Pleased they have responded so quickly even if to say say try elsewhere first. Just telling DS the Drs was making a referral had a positive impact (on the outside anyway).