What level of rudeness/flippancy do you get from your 16 year old and how do you deal with it?

[Ledkr]

Dd has been fine up until recently.
She had a horrible time with bullying at school which we supported her in fully eventually took her out of school and she now goes to a local college studying performing arts.
She's a talented dancer and singer and still attends lessons too.
She turned 16 in Jan and had a nice party. She met a boy around the same time and seems very keen.
She has begun to speak to us in a very rude and dismissive way when asked to do anything, such as pick up a cup, clothes, turn a light off etc.
I pay her phone and give her an allowance but I'm thinking something has to give here as I've asked her repeatedly to speak to us respectfully but she still doesn't.
She's happy to chat away about her day or what project she's working on but anything that requires her to do anything she speaks to us like shit!
Any tips?

Bad attitude =no phone or lifts or cash.

April, do you physically take the phone?

I'd be reminding her she's going to get precisely nowhere in performing arts if she can't a) pick up after herself and b) be pleasant even if she doesn't feel like it.

Yes having the same problem with DS. He is incredibly rude atm and basically has no respect for me he mobile phone contract ends in 30 days and I won't be renewing it.

The new tactic is to take the charger and watch their faces as their phone battery starts getting less and less. And I haven't put credit on ds phone of late til his chores effort rises. And stop laundry /ironing service.

DD has phases, currently in one 😬, where she is rude and completely irrational. When she's like that I do nothing for her, lifts , money etc. She screams "stop going on" if I ever ask her to do something even if I'm simply asking her to take her plate through several hours after eating ! I find the laziness even more frustrating than the verbal abuse. DD is at college 3 days a week, when she's not at college she's lying in bed napping and face timing in her pig sty, leaves washing up for when I get in from work, leaves empty bog rolls and wet towels on the floor and likes to have every light in the house on! I honestly can't imagine her working, hoping that changes pronto.

New chargers are not expensive, though. You might get away with taking it once, but by the next day they'd have another.

Turn off wifi

I have a close to zero tolerance approach to rudeness (but I appreciate that I may have lucked out with mine in that whatever issues they have - and they do - rudeness isn't really one of them). At the beginning of the teenage years I told them that it can be a difficult time but I expect everyone in the house - us, them, the dog - to stick with being kind and relatively courteous.

I have said to each of them "I won't talk to you rudely or dismissively and I expect you to do the same". I call on them each time they are dismissive/rude (in fairness they have done the same to me when I was over the top in arguing with them). I'm ok with them removing themselves to their rooms if they are annoyed.

I try not to get upset about stuff if I can avoid it (don't care what they wear/what their wardrobes look like etc)

It is hard though.

pallisers sounds like we have the same approach - I really struggle to tolerate disrespect, and I have explained that it's a mutual thing that results in a better home life for every one. I get called out on it occasionally, I'm cool with that - it's often when they perceive i haven't listened to them or they think I have interrupted. In general I like to encourage an atmosphere of mutual respect. I often make jokes when I'm asking or reminding them to pick stuff up....it keeps the mood light.

I am a SAHM but I am not their servant and dh fully backs me on this, they know we believe they should be moving towards being completely independent individuals and that means responsibility as well as freedom. They know I mean what I say - my threats are always carried out, they know life will get hard for them without my co operation, they'll be cooking for themselves for a start and they love my cooking!

Grounded dc can't go shopping for a charger!! I have been known to hide shoes to keep a ds home!

Have to call them in the moment. Right away. Problem is Many of these punishments will end up taking effect hours or days later. That's not effective.

A simple "I don't speak to YOU like that, so can you try saying that again more nicely?" in a broken record fashion, until they speak their original comment but nicely. Nothing else can proceed in their life until the comment is made nicely. This pins them down in the moment to really pay attention to what they say so they can learn to self-edit to be nicer.

I don't know what "flippancy" means. I say that b/c some MNers have conniptions over a mere "WHATEVER" or eye roll. My threshold for reprimand is higher than that. In long-winded way, I'm saying pick your battles and reward them for progress rather than perfection when you're demanding a more respectful tone.