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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Concern for DS - any advice?

10 replies

noecho · 19/02/2018 22:53

DS (15) has massively stuffed up and has been using our credit card for online virtual purchases. It was on a card DH hasn't used for ages and so he didn't notice. It is for several hundred pounds and on discovering this tonight - and being confronted - DS confessed to DH.

I am fuming that he has been stealing from us particularly as this has been going on for several weeks and the money was obtained by devious means (e.g. asking DH for £5 and then going back in and spending £150) rather than a one off.

I have yet to speak to him as I don't know what to say. I am angry, shocked, disappointed, upset for DH who has tried so hard to help him, feeling betrayed at him sneaking around (his avoidance of me and general aggressive attitude to me I now think was an avoidance tactic) but...he is in a bad way. We have been concerned about his mental health for several years - he has poor self-esteem, is anxious and depressed - but CAMHS triaged him and said they couldn't help. He has SEN and his poor performance in the mocks have panicked him about his future. He will possibly get one or two GCSEs and has no motivation. We moved areas 18 months ago and although he has friends at school they are not close in the way that childhood friends can be.

I don't know what to say to him or where we go from here. DH is concerned that he may do something to harm himself but while I obviously don't want that to happen I don't want to be worried that we somehow downplay the severity of what he has done or make it better.

I don't know if it is relevant but we have young DC who idolise and are irritated by DS in equal measure.

I'm not explaining myself very well but I don't know where to go from here.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
noecho · 19/02/2018 23:11

Bumping because I've yet to see him...

OP posts:
DonkeyOil · 19/02/2018 23:16

This from experience - whether by accident or design, it' s probably good that you will have had some time to cool down before speaking to ds. Tell him how disappointed you are, and that the trouble with behaving in the way he has, is that it will inevitably affect the amount of trust which you and dh feel you can place in him at the moment, but that you love him. Say that you realise we all make mistakes, and that you will both be trying to help him learn from this one and move on from it in a constructive way.

I honestly think teenagers live in the moment when it comes to things like this, and just do not think of the consequences, especially when it's virtual money, rather than cash. Is there any way he could pay you back? Savings or withdrawal of allowance/pocket money?

Just out of interest, was the money spent on FIFA?

Original poster
noecho · 19/02/2018 23:23

Thanks for replying. I agree with what you have said but it's the fact that it's been going on for weeks - since the start of the year that I find hard. A one-off would be more acceptable.

He has no savings and hasn't interested been interested in earning pocket money for jobs (proposed by the other DC) so no way of paying it back until he turns 16 and I don't want to find ways to pay him to pay us back.

Not FIFA but another online gaming thing and iTunes.

OP posts:
Worldsworstcook · 19/02/2018 23:24

Can he work if off in chores round the house? You can tell him you know he made a huge mistake and you can't deny you're disappointed, but you hope he will learn his lesson. These games are very addictive, I'm not saying he wasn't in the wrong - he will have known that what he was doing was wrong too - but on account of his fragile mh you do need to tread softly softly while not letting him off scott free.

I'd make him work it off in chores and if you're feeling really brave confiscate his PS4 or Xbox till the bill has been paid. If you think his mental health can take it.

llangennith · 19/02/2018 23:31

He’s done it till he got caught. School age kids don’t truly understand wrong this is. Now he’s been found out I’m pretty sure he won’t do it again.
Let him know in no uncertain terms exactly how furious and let down you feel but then let it go.
If he does it again that’s a different thing altogether!
My own DS took £30 cash from me and £4 now and again from his gran’s house when he was 10 and he was shocked at how angry we were. Never did it again.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 19/02/2018 23:34

I think you need to separate the two issues. He hasn’t been too fragile and lacking in self esteem to extort you out of hundreds of pounds over the course of several months.

I would sell his fifa games / x box etc on eBay to recoup the money. Don’t bother finding odd jobs for him to do as it will be more hassle getting him to do them. His self esteem will plummet further if he thinks he can be this disrespectful to his own parents and there is no comeback.

Get him involved in something constructive where he is living in the moment and socialising with others, like air cadets.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 19/02/2018 23:36

Just tot up what he has taken and sell off his things to that total.

Original poster
noecho · 20/02/2018 00:05

Thanks for the replies.

I've seen him and told him how disappointed and angry we are (in a calm manner). We will be taking away all IT stuff including his phone. I agree about not creating household jobs for him to pay us back as that will be more hassle and unfair to the other DC. He now won't have anything to do in the evenings so I will actively promote the air cadets/venture scouts, etc. This is perhaps the turning point for him to think about where he is going and he can't fight us on this.

In his defence re mental health and self-esteem I think gaming/gambling often sucks in those with MH issues. I know that he feels crap a lot of the time - he has poor social skills, struggles at school - but he is good at computer games so it is no surprise he has got sucked in. But that absolutely doesn't excuse the stealing and the betrayal of trust and how shit we are all feeling right now.

OP posts:
Iluvthe80s · 20/02/2018 08:20

I feel very sorry for your boy. As you say it sounds like he is in a difficult place. He needs to know he can rely on you and his Dad. If his self esteem is low already he will hate himself even more for doing this. I say this as a mum of DS 15 -adhd anxiety most probably asd. We've dealt with a lot in our house and language we use is choice and consequence. Might be worth asking your son how he would like to put this right. Really sorry you are all having to deal with this

Iluvthe80s · 20/02/2018 08:22

Just a thought. Is his phone a way to keep in touch with his old childhood friends?

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