Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

Sex at 15 years old

22 replies

Juicyfruit50 · 19/02/2018 07:39

Hi I’m hoping for some advice please. My DD is 16 in June and has a BF who she has been with since October last year (he’s about to turn 17) he is very nice and clearly really likes and cares for DD. However, this morning I saw two condoms in her bedroom bin when emptying it! I’m very conflicted - should I discuss with her that I’ve seen them so that we can talk about contraception etc, is the fact that she’s still 15 an issue ... she seeems really young still (but that is a mums view). Do I discuss with DH who will go bananas due to her being underage! Of course I’m not silly ... I know they were going to be sexually active at some point, and I’m glad they are taking precautions. I’m just a Bit surprised that it’s developed so quickly. It’s already tense in our household as we are trying to get her to concentrate on GCSE revision as she really needs to put in some work if she wants to pass! I’ve always had an open relationship with my daughter and happy to talk about anything so don’t have any qualms about talking to her, even though I know she will be a bit embarrassed. Tbh I think I’m more worried about discussing it with DH! Also, do others let their 15 year old daughters have their BFs in their bedroom with the door shut? We told her if he was in her bedroom then the door needed o be open but gradually it’s got shut as we’ve got a bit more used to him being here .... perhaps that was a mistake 😯 .. any advice from this that have had similar situations and how they dealt with them would be gratefully received ..... parenting at 15 is tricky!

OP posts:

Happened · 19/02/2018 07:44

To me the biggest issue here is that she is under age. I think you need to have a talk with her about that.

Nyetimber · 19/02/2018 07:48

We’re probably very old fashioned. Absolutely boyfriends/girlfriends were not allowed in bedrooms with or without the door open or shut.
I think it would be silly to hide it from your husband; you would be undermining his equality as a parent. You’ll have to ride the storm (which will be a less tumultuous event than him finding out you didn’t tell him, at a guess).
I would put limits on her seeing him so,she was able to focus on schoolwork. Not a ban, just say once until 9pm during the week and for two or three hours on a weekend. No schoolwork would equate to no boyfriend visits.
It’s good their using contraception it sex at her age is illegal. I’d be having the conversation with them both. You’re not going to stop them now they’ve started but if by last October you mean October 2017, then they’ve only been together 16 weeks or so. It’s too soon for sex and they are not in a position to accept the consequences of a pregnancy.

PlayingGrownUp · 19/02/2018 07:49

I wasn’t allowed a boy upstairs until I was 21 ( and I’m 29 now) so upstairs in a bedroom with the door closed is very lenient to me. Having said that I got up to all sorts getting round it so maybe making sure the door is open is enough if it makes you feel better? From personal experience it’s probably happening when no one else is home anyway.

Her age isn’t a problem - tbh it sounds about normal to me but you may want to see about her getting another form of contraception like the bar which is more reliable.

AutumnalTed · 19/02/2018 07:53

Only 20 here, most people I know had had sex by the time they were 15 and definitely by 16. Was a nice area and nice kids too so not as if there was a lack of education, it just happened. I had sex at 14, looking back I wasn’t ready but definitely didn’t mean much to me, didn’t make an impact on my life in any way and my mum did talk to me about it, safe sex, age of consent, if I am really ready. But one thing that stuck was her saying there was no point having sex then as I didn’t know what I was doing and it wouldn’t be good.
None of the consent stuff sank in but her telling me I was definitely having shit sex did, I didn’t even know what I liked. She told me sex was supposed to be fun, and enjoyable, it definitely wasn’t back then 😂

VanGoghsLeftEar · 19/02/2018 08:01

Firstly, it sounds like she is using contraception. Which is good .
Secondly, you need to speak to her urgently about house rules. State what you expect from her from now on, no excuses.

She also needs back-up contraception like the Pill (if she IS sexually active) to double ensure she is safe from pregnancy. Get her to the GP asap. Condoms protect her from STIs, she doesn't have to stop using them as well.

Branleuse · 19/02/2018 08:13

theyve been together 5 months which is like totally forever at that age. I think you need to talk to her about staying safe, but you wont stop her.

Quaza · 19/02/2018 08:50

I'd have a chat with her. I'd also suggest she uses birth control on top of condoms. There is no point asking other people what they would do. You will get a range of answers. 💁🏻‍♀️. It won't be helpful. You need to decide if you mind it or not.

I didn't mind with my DC but they were all sensible and had long term boyfriends or girlfriends. I would have minded if they were young and had lots of partners, much older partners or partners I didn't like!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 19/02/2018 09:03

I wouldn't tell your DH. I have DDs and I don't think their sex life is anything to do with their father.

LovingLola · 19/02/2018 09:07

I wouldn't tell your DH. I have DDs and I don't think their sex life is anything to do with their father.

Well I think you are wrong on that.
And if you had sons and they were having underage sex would you be happy if your husband knew and decided that it was none of your business? Or if your sons were committing an offence by having sex with an underage girl would you feel happy that your husband felt it was nothing to do with you?

Branleuse · 19/02/2018 09:08

I wouldnt tell their DF either. She appears to be in a consensual relatively long term relationship with someone pretty much her own age at an age where its very common to start experimenting and very close to the age of consent and she is using protection. Its not that bad

alpineibex · 19/02/2018 09:12

I never took my boyfriend home. Still had sex with him underage.

sparly1131 · 19/02/2018 09:13

I wouldn't tell dh.

She is 15 and in a relationship
Whilst I would be upset I think you probably guessed this might happen at some
Point and I don't believe it will not have crossed your husbands mind either he needs to think about the way 15 year olds boys think and also 15 year old in concerning relationships.

Whilst you can try to stop this from happening in your house they will just go some where else and wouldn't you prefer her under your roof where she is safe

This could be a lot worse she could be sleeping around using drugs etc and I think if you checked the age for sexual intercourse sadly it is actually younger that 15.

I am not condoning this in any way just trying to give you a bit of perspective x

I'd be very pleased she's used contraception. But take her to the family planning clinics for something more that the pill.

SlackPanther · 19/02/2018 09:14

If you are confident that she is not being persuaded or co-erced I would leave it be.

If you talk to your DH and there is s row, you have scuppered your easy relationship with her, her BF will no
Longer come round, she will hate you both (her parents) just as you need to be gaining a good supportive relationship over GCSE revision. If she has already had sex putting a stop to it now (and unless you can police her every minute in and out if the house you can’t ) is a bit pointless.

Just have casual conversations with her. Say that if she ever wants to talk to you about contraception you would be happy to advise, and find out about the pill as a back up to the all important barrier methods..,

Keep her close, now is when she needs you.

PositiveVibes18 · 19/02/2018 09:14

BigSandy by that logic their sex life is nothing to do with you either.

Of course you should mention it to their father OP and I would suggest getting another form of contraception.

Original poster

Juicyfruit50 · 19/02/2018 17:16

Thanks everyone ... I’ve tackled this today with an open and honest conversation with DD. It went ok I think ... slightly embarrassing for her but we are still talking and she listened to my concerns ... am sure there will be more chats to come! Phew ... think I need a large g&t now 😂😂💑

OP posts:

Theglobe · 19/02/2018 17:21

I wonder how the ‘don’t tell their father' posters would feel about having something withheld from them about their child?

Branleuse · 19/02/2018 17:28

if my child went and spoke to their father confidentially, I would usually expect their father to keep their confidence, especially at that age.

Branleuse · 19/02/2018 17:28

Well done for having the talk OP x

OutyMcOutface · 19/02/2018 17:31

Well you definitely need to sort out some proper contraception-conditions ms are hardly reliable. If she was responsible enough to have sex she would have come to one of you to sort something out.

LovingLola · 20/02/2018 08:49

if my child went and spoke to their father confidentially, I would usually expect their father to keep their confidence, especially at that age.

The OP's daughter did not come and speak to her in confidence. The OP found used condoms in her bedroom waste bin.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/02/2018 08:55

Glad you bit the bullet and had the conversation with her.

Now you just need to tackle the fact that you’re still tidying your 15-year-old’s room ...

0123fluffyunicorn · 20/02/2018 08:57

Sounds like me at her age with a bf of the same age. Just talk to her about the pill or some other contraception as well as condoms. Telling her she can't at that age will mortify her that you know and she'll just get pissed off and do it anyway

Flip