Stories of hope please! Teenage boy!

[WhoopiGoldbergsCat]

My son 14, is just horrible at the moment. He hates his father for no reason and says he hates me most of the time. He's rude and disrespectful and doesn't seem to be able to speak 'normally' anymore,just grunts. He gets very easily wound up and has a very short temper which usually results in him saying something outrageously awful and getting his phone taken off him. I miss the sweet little boy he used to be! I know it's all probably normal teenage stuff, but it's getting me and my husband down. I can't see if he's ever going to be nice again! Please tell me stories of hope!

Anyone?

Sounds tough. I'm not there yet but not far off. How is communication between you? Does he have the opportunity to talk to you in confidence and without judgement? There will be a reason for the behaviour, he might not even be able to articulate it himself but letting him talk (and listening to what he says) would be a good place to start.

Is everything ok at school?

yes, its hard. I think one problem inevitably with this Teenagers forum (unlike AIBU for example) is that there are more people with questions than answers.

He doesn't want to talk to me, as far as iknow there are no problems in school, doing very well. Is bright etc. He has a handful of nice friends, I think puberty is maybe a bit delayed so maybe this is the cause. It's just so hard, he is so bloody rude! He says the most awful things but is good with things like bedtimes, chores etc,I realise there are more questions than answers here, I've no one to talk to in real life as friends kids are much younger.

I’m out the other side with 17yo DS. It was a rough ride for a few years with broken doors and week long sulks. He is a lovely kind gentle boy again now, just like he was a child except he seems to have grown to 6foot something and got a girlfriend .

Impose sanctions for bad behaviour

I think you need to acknowledge that he's leaving childhood behind and trying to assert his independence and learning about who he is in the world while at the same time being assaulted by a soup of hormones which affect his moods but over which he has no control.
You should also step back and move on from parenting a child.
That could start with re-negotiating your mutual relationships as members of the household - such as, what chores everyone does and what behaviour and attitude is respectful and what isn't. (I won't shout if you don't!)
Allow your DS to have a greater say in what he does or doesn't do (for example it's just good manners and common sense to let other family members know where you are when you go out and when to expect you home) and also what sanctions he thinks are reasonable for contraventions. If he agrees these he'll be less likely to kick off when/if they are imposed.
As for the moods. Try to ingore them. Don't insist on him 'behaving' himself. He's no longer a child and quite frankly probably hates his own behaviour even more than you do. Cut him some slack.

Oh, and if he doesn't talk, you can still use touch to keep your connection. If he's not the huggy type, just a kindly pat/rub on the back etc at least once a day will let him know you care.

Excellent advice from northernsoul. My (now adult) DS went through a pretty horrible patch around 12-13. He was still absolutely lovely at school, and when he went to friends' houses - but we had a few meltdowns at home.

I really had to rethink how to parent him, and speaking to him calmly as I would another adult really helped. When things were calm I would ask him what he thought was acceptable behaviour, and how we could all learn to get along together, and allow him more say in stuff. It did help, but I really had to take a step back from how I treated him as a primary school child - because he wasn't!

This supposed to be very helpful:

www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers-ebook/dp/B0050U8BH4/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=take+me+and+alex+into+town+first&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1519056553&sr=8-1