girl spat

[Nicola63]

I have been stepmother to a teenage girl (turned 14 last week) for just 4 months now (well, I have been her stepmother for longer, but she has been living with us for four months and I am her fulltime mother now). I'm a real amateur at this mothering business, not ever having looked after any kids before never mind teenagers, so forgive me if I sound pathetic, asking this rather silly question.

She came home from school yesterday and said she is "not enjoying it so much any more" because of some spat between various girls about what sounded to me like a total load of irrelevent nonsense (something to do with giving birthday presents and who said happy birthday to who, I think, but there did not seem to be any real issue that I could discern, aopart from the fact that one girl seems to have been rude to the others and flounced out of a room). I tried to be sympathetic but it was hard when it all sounded so inconsequential (to an adult ear anyway).

Should I get stuck into major discussions with her and ask lots of questions about all this, or should I (as I feel like doing) make some sympathetic noises but not focus on it, since it will all blow over anyway? I suppose there may be lots more of this stuff coming in the years to come. I am inclined not to make a mountain out of what sounds like a micro-molehill to me. Am I right?

I would go with the sympathetic-noises-but-keep-it-in-perspective approach - but take care not to belittle the issue, there may be something bigger growling away underneath. Or not. If she wants to talk about it she will (endlessly) in which case try to stick to open-ended questions of the 'I'm not sure I quite understand what the issue is here, can you explain it to me?' type. then if you really have the whole thing clear in your mind I wouldn't hesitate to say, nicely, 'I think it would be a shame for something minor like this to mess up some good friendships'.

And if she says 'wow, you are so right, I didn't see it like that, I will take your advice, thank you' rest assured you are in the middle of a dream and will wake up soon

Easter of Year 9 is always when teenage girls fall out & re-group - DD, now 17 did exactly this. If there's no more than this, I'd just lend a sympathetic ear, she will probably make friends with another group soon. If not, you might want to see if there's anything the other girls are doing that she doesn't - like going to a local youth club- because it can feel very isolating if everyone is talking about something you don't do.

This is quite normal for teenage girls. Just make sympathetic noises and be ready to listen if she wants you to. She will probably be friends with all of them again soon. This seemed to happen a few times with my children.

This is reassuring, thanks. i do worry about her a bit as she moved countries and started at this new school in January, and so obviously she was coming into an already-froemd social environment, with the groups and cliques etc. there are only 16 girls in the class and she refers to them as two groups really, "the popular group", (who seem to be the ones who are not her cup of tea) and then the others, of whom some are her friends, but some are now "irritating".

I, at her age, would have found this change terrifying (I went to the same school all the way through my school life, and she has moved not only schools but continents in the middle of it!). But in general she seems to have made some friends and to be OK. She was doing so well that I suppose this little spat took me unawares and I suddenly wondered whether I had missed something.

She is not socially isolated though, as far as I can see. Ouside school she goes to dancing and St Johns ambulance cadets and Duke of Edinburgh stuff, and seems to get on with people there. In school she is in the sewing club and is about to join the choir. So I suppose she is OK overall. I think I am just anxious to make sure everything goes really well!

You sound like a really supportive stepmum, Nicola, and I think it's great that she opens up to you.

Nichola
My dd is 14 this month, and I'm finding it a really difficult time. Having had smaller children doesn't necessarily help at this stage, so don't let that worry you!
Sometimes things that are so trivial are blown up out of all proportion, but you just need to be supportive to her, and let her talk thru' the situation. It seems that one nasty comment can shatter the week - but they do get over it, and on the whole, are all friends again.