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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter has no friends

49 replies

Givemeagin · 02/02/2018 20:19

My dd age 14 has no friends and when she does they seem to just not include her or treat her like muck! Her first real friend after 3 yrs of spending all time together just dumped her for someone else. Her confidence took a real battering and she went from loving School to hating School! She has good grades but no friends! She keeps asking to be home schooled. The problem is she has her GCSEs next year and I don’t want to move her. She just wants a friend

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 03/02/2018 20:24

Have you spoken to her tutor or HoY?

BlindLemonAlley · 04/02/2018 08:51

I don’t know if others would agree but I think boys friendship dynamics are different. With girls you can have lots of friends and a great social life as Oblomov describes and then suddenly you are cast aside from the group. The reasons for this can vary but it’s often because one of them is jealous or maybe feels her position as queen bee is threatened. The world of girl friendships is a cutthroat business where long term friendships and loyalties are soon cast aside in a bid to survive.

sothatdidntwork · 04/02/2018 09:49

As bla says, survival - and status - play a huge role (not sure if there are marked differences between boys and girls though).

I think another thing to remember is that when the lead influencer in a group turns against a member of it, it is extremely normal for the other members to follow and drop that person as well. For various group dynamic reasons. It's important to realise that - because it means that it is no reflection on the person who's dropped - it is just the way group relationships work. The scenario where the group or some members come to the rescue of the dropped person rarely happens - except perhaps in fiction/film!

Trying2bgd · 04/02/2018 15:48

Hello OP,
A bit late to your thread but you and your DD are definitely not alone. My dd1 had real friendship problems which I discussed on many similar threads. Things are better now although I don't think she will ever throw a party for 40 whilst at this school.
As others have mentioned, in order to fill the gap, we do a lot of activities together. Thankfully she gets on very well with her sibling (still fights though).
For me, I found it really helped to get DD to understand that life does not begin and end at school - talk about college and future vocations; support her interests and passions ie take part in clubs, workshops and participate in online forums (obvious check they are moderated etc) - online friends can be super supportive; involve other family members or close friends ie get them to spend time with your DD so she knows she is valued by others. I was lucky that my DD is pretty resilient and although it was not a pleasant time for her, I think emotionally she is ok and there is no lasting damage. We are almost 90% sure she will go to college rather than stay on and because of above she is pretty sure of what she wants to do for her future. Also maybe as a result of this, we are pretty close as a family, she knows we have her back! I continue to keep an eye (hopefully not obvious to her) on the situation and am thankful we are where we are!

OP, please try and get your daughter to read through some of these messages, her friendship situation will not always be like this. And don't give up on the dancing.

Good luck to both of you x

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 06/02/2018 13:44

Can I just add my own experience? I was probably very similar to your DD at that age. I’ve come to realise that it takes me a very, very long time to make a friend but when I do I tend to keep them. At her age I didn’t really have a best friend.

It helped me to keep going to activities but without the agenda of making a friend. She needs to go to them because she enjoys doing the activity. And who knows, she may eventually get a friend anyway

donners312 · 06/02/2018 14:13

I recently read a book called queen bees and wannabes it does help you understand a bit was quite helpful.

BlindLemonAlley · 07/02/2018 14:53

Another book recommendation
Untangled by Lisa Damour - a great insight into teen girls .

MrsJoshDun · 07/02/2018 15:02

What year is she in?

My dd was in the same boat and I regret not moving her in year 9. Too late by year 10 i think.

Dd moved school for sixth form and we were both worried it would be the same but she's really popular at her new school. If you can't move her then concentrate on some new out of school activities.

Sorry. I remember how shit it was and how worried I was.

MrsJoshDun · 07/02/2018 15:04

Oh and me and dd started ice skating lessons which definitely boosted her confidence. And she would get on well with girls in group.

Original poster

Givemeagin · 07/02/2018 15:27

She done ice skating and competed nationally as well but with all this going on her confidence took a real dive and she quit out of nowhere! I can’t get her to start or try any group!!
She’s in year 10 so I’ve told her year 11 in Sep then after her GCSEs she can move x

OP posts:

MrsJoshDun · 07/02/2018 15:39

Yes. Year 11 she will finish a bit earlier for study leave then exams. So a bit more than 12 months. We had to break the last year into chunks...how many weeks till the next holiday, etc.

Original poster

Givemeagin · 07/02/2018 15:58

That’s what we are doing now! I just feel so helpleS

OP posts:

Trying2bgd · 14/02/2018 23:00

@givemeagin

How are things going with your dd? And how are you feeling? I think it’s a long game we play. Even when things improve, our own confidence is shaken. I think this experience makes us more compassionate parents but the heartache is a painful burden and we must hide it to give them hope that things get better. I believe things do and will get better for all our dc and us! So hang on in there!

Original poster

Givemeagin · 15/02/2018 06:07

Think my dd is just breaking it down into segments 6 wks then Easter 6 wks then May half term etc! Just what makes some the queen bee and what makes others less popular? My dd is bright, funny and amazing company! But I do think she’s a teeny bit eccentric and can see why she’s not a clone of all the teenage girls out there!

OP posts:

Trying2bgd · 15/02/2018 11:58

I do think its a mixture of all sorts of things. Often the popular kids are or act socially confident and are better at appearing and adapting to being 'normal' so no strange hobbies or interests (again even if they wish they could do other things). I hope your dd will return to ice skating even if she just does it for fun.

BlindLemonAlley · 15/02/2018 15:13

I think what makes a queen bee is the ability to control the group dynamic. It is not always obvious how they this, but often it’s little snide comments about how another girl looks or what they are wearing or leaving someone out of plans for a sleepover or a party. They might spread rumours about a girl being different in some way, daring to make friends outside the group or turn on her for questioning their actions. The rest of the group conform because they are terrified of being left out or on the receiving end of any of this and so the queen bee has control.

Brighteyes27 · 16/02/2018 00:18

No advice just sympathy for you both and anyone in a similar boat. My DD half way through year 8 has friendship difficulties for over a year. She seemed very resilient at first, didn’t want to move schools and never said she didn’t want to go to school she seemed fairly open about what was happening. We remained fairly close and I did my utmost to bolster her confidence in anyway I could. She attends guides and plays in a football team but refused to join any after school clubs.
Anyway a year later she is still in pretty much the same position she isn’t into make up boys or mainstream culture and is a little young for her age. In early January we discovered she was pulling out her hair and eating it. She has long hair which she parts strangely to try to hide some bald patches, it’s really difficult for her and us. She won’t admit to doing it and refuses to see a doctor, counsellor or engage in any online support.
I really don’t know why some girls are so bitchy and nasty to others and can happily hurt others so badly but I know the ‘popular girls’ from my old school never amounted to much as adults so I am sure it will be the same at your DD’s School OP, although this will probably be a long way off for your DD. Take care

Trying2bgd · 16/02/2018 00:38

@brighteyes27
for you and your dd
I have heard of that pulling out hair condition before but I don’t know how you can get your dd to seek help if she doesn’t want it. Carry on supporting her and let her know there is access to help whenever she wants it. You guys take care too

foreverondiet · 16/02/2018 07:35

I think you have to meet with head of year. Girls can be very bitchy it's true but at the same time there might be other things going on that you don't know about. My DD's school very good as ensuring all girls included in various squads.

I'd second the out of school clubs, my DD has friends at a youth group so other ways to have friends. Could she do a residential summer camp?

Brighteyes27 · 16/02/2018 10:12

School can sometimes be a minefield. I phoned up dd’s school last year when she was in year 7 explained what was going on I said I didn’t want them to intervene but I asked if either my dd could subtly be moved or if her three ex friends could be moved in four or five lessons they had together (some were several times a week) and if School could keep an eye on the situation discreetly incase it was escalating in School. The girls had been awful to DD I won’t go into it all but in lessons where they had previously been sat next to my DD and been happy about it just before either she sat down or before they sat down they would pull faces and say things like I can’t believe I was ever friends with or her or that etc. The teachers did move them in class but the way it was done the girls quickly cottoned onto the fact that she or I had requested the move and were even nastier to her.
All the nastiness and falling out was to impress the more popular girls as they thought being nasty and shunning my dd would somehow boost their popularity among the more popular girls in school. They aren’t any more popular now than they were before and the three of them have lost a really good loyal honest friend. My dd has lost her fake friends, her confidence has taken a massive hit, I think she has lost trust and confidence in me and our relationship has suffered and now she has lost a lot of her hair as well.
She did meet another girl from another class and another part of town but after a couple of months her ex friends targeted and moved in on her new friend and so this friendship has gone belly up as well now. I have offered my DD the chance to move schools but she has always refused.

Trying2bgd · 16/02/2018 12:13

Any chance she would consider home schooling? Something like interhigh? Maybe get some literature and just put it on her desk to look at. Hopefully you can rebuild your relationship with her. Perhaps a regular activity together where she dictates the pace? I wish I could just wave a wand.

Fireinthehold · 03/06/2018 15:21

A bit late but wondering how you are all getting on. Have things improved and what worked and didn't work for improving your dd's confidence?

Original poster

Givemeagin · 03/06/2018 16:25

She still hates school and every time after the holidays she has anxiety attacks! But I keep telling her she has another year left then she can go where she wants for her A levels! Still annoys me that her original friend has friends and a life and my dd has zero confidence! Just so hard

OP posts:

Fireinthehold · 03/06/2018 19:48

for you and your dd

It is difficult but keep going and keep supporting her. Next term she can visit colleges and sixth form and this will provide a boost and the chance to see that there is a life beyond school years.
I went to visit a specialist college with my dd recently and it was heartening for her to see that yes there is a different path. Things have improved a lot for my dd, but I don't think we will ever forget how horrible some people are and how they enjoyed being unkind. On the plus side I think this experience means that my dd, my family and myself are more thoughtful and aware of our own words and actions.
Good luck with the rest of this term

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