Teenage Son with no Friends

[Rose500]

Hi All

I need some advice about my 16 year old teenage son. It’s taken me a long time but I am pretty certain he has aspergers. He currently has no friends and he has admitted to me he is terrified of socialising. He finds small talk boring and can’t see the point of it. When he does talk to someone he is arrogant and talks about science facts. I have tried to get him to see a psychologist but he is refusing. He won’t talk to anyone. He just plays on his computer, rides his bike, goes for a run all on his own. He won’t have a conversation with me or my husband. He just leaves the room. Has any one got any suggestions of how I can help him?

Thanks

Rose

It maybe he’s happy with his life, if he does nt wat to socialise is there any point in making him ?

suggestions are: ParkRun. Saturday mornings in your area. Can be as solitary or as sociable as you want.

There is nothing you can do to force someone to have an assessment, even if he does has ASD it won't be a magic bullet just because you "know". However, in light of your suspicions, you could try and encourage socialising that is more tailored : ie local Warhammer group, science club at school. try and engage in his interests, find articles in paper that might interest him, discuss them with him. Often parents are first step to conversations that you might end up having with peers. This is what happened with ds2 (ASD) rubbish at socialising to start with, slowly built up from 13, now is able to get on with a few friends without boring them to death, and actually they really value his humour and energy. His main interests are football - this has been the conversational glue, despite him being very bad at playing it, he attends every match and even away games now. We had to do a lot of facilitating to get to this point. Same with drama, he doesn't star in any productions, refuses to get involved in school drama except in classroom, but loves seeing funny plays and musicals/pantomimes (hates reading, hates literary discussion). I have had to sit and watch things with him like Mr Selfridge, Play that Went Wrong and dh has sat through a 1000 freezing football matches, but it has helped him socialise and have confidence ultimately that he has enthusiasms that others share.

16 is pretty young - I know other people whose sons blossomed around 21, young people with asperger's can often lag developmentally on the socialising side but eventually get there, jsut don't panic and do small things/ appreciate small gains and do not compare them to peers, who are going to parties, having girlfriends and generally breaking away/becoming super independent. It takes time to get there.

And absolutely encourage any sport or outdoor activity even if it is solitary, much much better than staying indoors even to study or socialise, because outdoors seems associated with good mental health, as is exercise.

Oh yes, I'd forgotten board games. Ds2 plays a lot of them with his friend, and younger children in the social group (friend's siblings) Another glue to keep the conversation going engage other than computers. But he did start with computer game with friend physically present, before moving on to board game. The great thing is to have a physical person in the house, not just an online friend.

I agree there is no point getting a diagnosis if he doesn't want it. It has made no difference to my sons life! However I wouldn't necessarily just let him be. Has he always had no friends? Why has nothing been done about this until now? You also have to remember he is also a teenager so some of his behaviour is due to puberty not just Aspergers (not conversing with parents sounds like stroppy teenage behaviour to be honest).

Is he happy? Has he said why he doesn’t want assessing and have you explained to him why you think it’s a good idea?

What is he hoping to do when he leaves school? Just wondering if you could find something that would look good on his CV/UCAS form so that he could see the point of doing it.

@rose

I think some of the suggestions on here are pretty useful. I would only add that if you feel he wouldn’t be willing to discuss these ideas with you then perhaps just pick up the information and leave it on his desk with a note saying “if you want help then I’m downstairs” or something like that. He may be an introvert and hence always prefer his own company and solitary activities but people do change.

Is he happy Rose?

Completely cross posted and hadn’t seen the earlier posts until now. Do come back @Rose500 and update us

Thank you all so much for your replies, they’ve been really helpful. I don’t know if he is happy. He says he kinda wants to be alone and he kinda doesn’t. I also don’t want him assessed. I just wanted him to get some help communicating with others and reading their signals. Thanks again.

Rose

OP, you've mentioned that your son likes riding his bike. Is there a cycling club near you that he could join? I am thinking that would be a social activity in which he wouldn't be expected to be talking with other people the whole time, and he would also have an obvious conversation topic of bikes and cycle routes, which might make it easier for him to socialise with other members compared to finding more general conversation topics with people who may not share his interests.

If he likes science and facts you can show him that the art of human interaction can be seen through scientific research.
I always recommend the book 'how to make friends and influence people' to everyone and even more so here. You can get it on audio book too. It may inspire him enough just to play the game to help him in life.
Otherwise I recon he is perfect just how he his

Maybe he is suffering from anxiety rather then aspergers.

He's sixteen. Why the concern now, and not earlier? Did he have friends previously? Hobbies? Etc. What made you concerned now?

Some of the behaviour you describe is par for the course for modern day teenagers. Ie playing computers all day. Does he chat to people online? Also, teenagers can be very anti social.

I agree with suggestions such as park run, etc. Or try a new hobby.

Do you watch The Big Bang Theory? You son sounds a little like Sheldon.

Chess clubs are good. My ds was in one for years. No talking but playing the game bonded them together and he loved it. I noticed a lot of boys there had difficulties socially but were totally accepted and they came bounding in ready to begin to play. All ages played and he might prefer the company of older people.
Also some youth clubs are all sorts going on to appeal to different types but its up to him in the end. At university they often do better as meet like minded people.

He has had a few friends but has fallen out with them all. He is very rude and off hand with me and I don’t know if he’s the same with them. The last boy he socialised with he said got fed up with him. I should have added I am in Australia so we don’t have a lot of clubs like the UK. I think he misreads other peoples body language though. I have suggested lots of things to him about clubs but he always says its a terrible idea but I think he is too scared to do them.

Rose