Teenager blues

[restlessat50]

I want some advise on my DD who has just turned 16 who I am finding really difficult to manage at present.

I seperated from her Dad in Oct 17 he now lives nearby and we share the parenting 50:50 with 2 weeks (her choice) at each of our houses. This arrangement has only just started and I am not sure how I will like it as it is a long time not to see her but for a number of reasons this is what she requested.

She is very close to her Dad and he is v. light touch when it comes to discipline or any boundaries so she can come and go pretty much as she pleases at his house as he doesn't seem to insist on her being home for dinner after school, agrees to most requests and is generally pretty relaxed. I am probably more anxious and impose a few more boundaries/ground rules which is where the conflict comes into play. I am trying to work with her but am finding how she communicates with me quite upsetting at times as she can be v. rude and aggressive.

When she comes to me (Sundays) I find it takes us half the week to settle down (hence why she wanted a longer timeframe). I will ask her to be home (if out) by 6.30pm Sunday to Thursday (as recently agreed at school meeting) as it is school the next day and she is in year 11 now with GCSE's just around the corner. I find if I impose curfews like no phones or ipads in her room she just gets v. shouty and tbh I am too tired to deal with it. Her Dad is of the mind that we should just talk to her and not dish out punishments but I feel that there need to be some consequences for bad behaviour otherwise she will just think she can do anything and no there are no consequences. I am advised that I need to impose my own sanctions but this is v. hard when I am continually getting back from her 'Dad doesn't do this or that'

Since christmas behaviour has been getting increasingly more difficult and often takes half the week for her to settle down with her going to friends houses from school and not coming home until sometimes 9.30pm as she did last night. This means she is getting up late for school and I don't really know what she is eating, she is often v. rude, shouting, swearing and generally not v. pleasant. I always make food in the evening but often end up eating alone as she texts to say she is eating at a friends and by the time she is home it is cold and she doesn't want it so ends up in the bin (a waste). I am trying not to get into an argument and be patient but it is really difficult when she is shouting at full force at me. I trying to work with my ex on this matter but he (until very recently) has not been v. cooperative and suggest all this is my issue basically & he doesn't have any of these problems and therefore it is the way I parent. He can be very arrogant in these situations. However recently he has also been shouted at for various reasons and is now less sanctimonious in his attitude

In the last 2 weeks some additional things have happened a boy at school committed suicide (in her year) and my husband is now seeing someone (since early Jan) and has been v. open in telling both DD's (older one is away at uni). My 16 year has been v. upset with him for not telling her (he told older one first). I am annoyed with him for not being more discreet and hanging on for a few months while he establishs if this relationship is going anywhere or not. He even involved DD in setting up the dating profile which I told him was inappropriate. She is now desperate to meet this woman but at the same time is v. angry and upset with her Dad I think she is very mixed up about seeing her Dad with someone else. On top of this is the suicide matter she has been supporting lots of her friends (one is according to my DD on suicide watch by the school)
I am v. worried about her as I think she is v. overwrought with emotions now but I can't get anywhere near her. If I ask her anything she just says she is fine and walks out the room and then seems to mostly do exactly as she pleases. I know the suicide is a big issue and emotions are running very high as a result but it is v. difficult trying to manage the situation and not make things worse

I organised a meeting with the school pastoral officer and head of year which was helpful with her (and her Dad) present although she implied it was a 'waste of time' and my ex undermined me during the meeting.

The funeral of this boy is at the end of this week and she is with her Dad now all this week so I have made it clear to her I am around if she needs me but as she is so close to her Dad and with him this week I can't think she will make contact. I have suggested we meet this week for a pizza or a treat after the funeral but she has declined these offers so I have just said I won't contact her but am there if she needs me. I can't think what else to do in these circumstances. I have also told my ex he needs to get his priorities right and to focus on her rather than a new relationship right now but at the end of the day I can't insist as we are not together now.

I do feel angry at him for being so complacent in telling his girls so early on and feel it is me who is hoovering up his mess. I have tried hard to remain on friendly terms with him (for the sake of our DDs) but it is mainly 'one way' traffic he is v busines like now and making it v. clear he wants to 'move on'
I don't wish to be with him but feel this situation is our doing and that we both need to take responsibility for ensuring our DD is ok
He has implied that I have been melodramatic at suggesting she is 'spiralling out of control'. I don't think I am and it needs both of us on board to manage things to ensure that she doesn't go completely 'off piste'.

Do you think I am making a 'mountain out of a mole hill' or that I should trust my instincts and that careful management is needed.
I have suggested she sees our GP or that I organise some counselling as I am having some through Relate right now but she isn't interested.

Any advise going forward on how to handle this matter would be welcome I really feel I am at sea with all of this and slightly out of my depth. I will add she isn't drinking, smoking or seeing an older man as far as I know or developing an eating disorder. So it might be in a fewe weeks things will settle down but the disrepectful behaviour and attitude towards me is escalating.

Also she is eating alot of junk food and spreads it all over the house. Some of that is teen behaviour but it is the aggressive behaviour which is more of a worry.

Look forward to your words of wisdom or just a virtual 'shoulder to cry on'!!

Wow OP. So much going on. Feelings surely running high everywhere.

Firstly you need to find your feet with the co parenting. Sounds like things are so new that it’s hard to know what works but 2 weeks is a lonnnng time, particularly when there is a lack of boundaries with her dad.

You need to accept your exH is what he is and get on with fixing things you can control and, as much as possible, let things go.

Start with: your house, your rules, what rules were in place before he left? I would insist on her doing chores and being home at a reasonable time in return for no micromanaging. But the tech at night is a no no here although dificult to implement if not done until now? What was the rule before?

With the suicide thing I had similar last year with an online friend of dd. Emotions will be running incredibly high among her peers and you need to cut some slack in the sense that she is immature and going through a maelstrom of emotion/hormones. But at the same time recognise when there is pure drama and bullshit at work and provide perspective (ie suicide watch at school - I don’t think so?!).

I would say you are up against it with everything that’s happening in her life. Things won’t change overnight. Realistic expectations...

Was your separation a long time coming or was it a sudden split?

Keep seeing your counsellor.

Oh, and

Thanks Hipster very helpful - the seperation happened last october my ex moved out two weeks before her mock exams so not great timing. He always takes the line of least resistance and acts more like their best friend than their Dad. it's was always down to me dish out any discipline and all the measures put in place since our split have been instigated by me including the recent school meeting and a family meet up to agree new ground rules for handover. He never instigates or imposes any actions for bad behaviour just thinks it is v difficult situation for her to cope with which it is but that doesn't mean bad behaviour shouldn't go without comment. My ex gets v. upset with me if I imply he is not stepping up to the mark but he doesn't just lets everything drift. Had the same with our older daugther who was a real handful in her teen years. He just sat on the fence always and let me take all the flack.
I do try to impose chores such as tyding room, walking dog (works to a certain extent) but I like the suggestion of no micro managing if she does these tasks without being nagged. I am not sure about this arrangement but I am running with it til Easter. As she is 16 and her sister is away at Uni, I would have preferred 4 days on, 3 days off but neither she or her Dad wanted this arrangements so I was rather out voted. I don't know quite where I stand on living arrangements as she is 16 now, if she was younger or there were other younger siblings I would probably be able to insist more. Her Dad has been v controlling at times that is one of the many reasons us seperating but he has a very close relationship with her (to exclusion of me at times).
Its an upward battle but I think probably better to go with it for now

All you can do is be the best parent you can be right now (and at times that might mean stepping back - that’s the lesson I’ve learned) with everything happening not a huge amount can be controlled by you. Be kind to yourself. And it might help to remember even if it all goes belly up and she flunks her GCSEs all is not lost. Seems a toxic mix at the mo so be kind to yourself. Do screen out the ex though. Let him dig his own grave. Your dd will ultimately know which parent is providing sensible boundaries and stability even if right now she feels she needs to kick back against them... try and let small transgressions lie ad take opportunities to talk while in the car, cook together etc...

thanks yes I agree about ex digging own grave. He told eldest DD after 3 days of meeting new love mate I think he's realising now it was all too soon as younger dd v. upset with him she hadn't been told. I am just staying quietly (as I can) in the background letting him dig his own grave!! Not easy though. I saw her just now as she came back to my house to get phone charger. She seemed calmer than yesterday which I remarked but also said the shouting wasn't acceptable, she left slaming the back door. So it's small steps I think
thanks for the advise - will keep you posted

So many emotions for her to deal with and she is so young.

I do feel that trying to have a chat about how shouting is unacceptable etc when she was merely coming to pick up her charger was bound to piss her off. Inevitable really, so I'm not surprised she slammed the door on the way out.

I would try not to make everything about discipline. It's so counterproductive.

ok accept what you say but it was in the context of that she was calmer this evening and not shouting.

Oh Op what lot you and she are dealing with.

Even without the suicide at school, the whole split with your ex and the new co-parenting is very very new really. She would probably be testing all of those anyway, as she finds her feet in the new situation.

The old adage of pick your battles certainly comes into play here.
My ds is 15 and the battle over tech in rooms at night has nearly killed us over the last 6 months. Now we let him have it on Fri and Sat. I am really aware that he is getting older and needs to learn to control the tech himself more and more.

So, which rules are sacrosanct? If it is being in at 6:30, then that is the one you need to work on. You need some help - what if you threatened to phone friend's parent and ask them to send her home every day at 6? Ask them to not feed her and let her stay on school nights? I am guessing that the threat of you calling would be enough.

I have also found helpful the idea that if a teen comes close to obeying a rule, take that as obeyed, ie, if she is in at 7, be nice, welcome her, and next morning quietly say - 6:30 not 7 tonight yeah? She will probably still make it 7, but as long as it doesn't creep up to 7:30 etc, you take what you can get!

I think with the sate she is in, I would bakc off from a lot of the rest and offer a lot of love. Even if she rejects it, keep offereing. Keep being nice, saying nice things, offering time, demonstrating love in practical ways, tell her you love her regularly etc. Teens are so very vulnerable underneath.

and let ex make his own mess, yes you will have to pick up, but being there for her in the middle of his mess will pay off in the end

Another thought - even when things are frosty - make sure that each and every time she walks in a room you are warm and smiley and pleased to see her, and say ‘hi dd’

agree hipster, I have been cultivating my nice side to ds for the last few months, just nice comments to him -
have a good day
hello, nice to see you
hello sweetheart - how was your day?
combined with the odd hot chocolate, bowl of strawberries/snack, casually dropped on his desk as i pass.

He does notice.

Thanks for the advise I have been trying to be nice sending nice texts etc to say I am there etc. However went out w a friend tonight who knows my DD v well & her opinion was wise up she’s taking me & her Dad for abit of a ride and I need to be stricter w her. She’s playing me & her Dad off against each other. He is like abit of limp lettice just gives into every whim but I need to get some attitude and let her know her behaviour is out of line.
Thanks for the advise about times Stepmim I think that is helpful. I will praise her for being in on time etc. See how we go

To be honest I take a more relaxed attitude with my ds (15 in gcse year). He has Xbox and pc in room but I have settings on broadband that switch it off at 10pm. They are getting gcse talk rammed down their throat at school and stay after school an hour for revision. Especially with new grading system they are under a lot of pressure as it is.
Admittedly he doesn't go out so I don't have that problem, but could she come home straight from school to eat then go back out and stay a little later? Or give her say 2/3 days a week she can stay out?

As pp said it's not the end of the world if fails exams - might give her the kick up the backside she needs. Am trying hard to not nag mine about revising but do remind him that if he wants greater options with what to do in life then he needs to do well.

Thanks for your advise hellhathnofury I have done a lot of the things you say and given her the message that I am there if she needs me. I have now backed off she is w her Dad now until next weds so have told her I won’t contact her until then unless she contacts me first
I think we need some space & hopefully things will calm down after the funeral which is tomorrow
i think there has been an element of playing me off against her Dad as he is quite indulgent and she wants to please him. So it’s quite difficult making a stand at times but I will keep trying
Sometimes it’s hard to know what is teenage acting out & what is more wellbeing
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