First post- advice about serious sibling issues needed please!

[mummaali]

Trying to keep this short...
Last year I discovered my eldest daughter had self harmed- after the initial shock and upset I talked to her about it, she couldn’t explain why but said she was “over it” and she wasn’t going to do it again.
Tonight she had a meltdown and in the following discusssion admitted she feels pushed out and less loved than her younger sister, can’t bear to be around her which is why she spends so much time in her room, and it was the main reason for her previous self harming. She feels I favour my younger daughter and clearly love her more (which broke me to be honest) and that she wants to spend time with me but can’t bear to be around her sister as she winds her up so much so she has chosen to keep herself to herself to avoid being around her. She said if I wasn’t so wrapped up in my youngest daughters “issues” I might have noticed something was wrong. I feel sick to my stomach that she feels so low and that it’s my fault.
My youngest daughter has always been challenging, she is very emotional, a worrier and quite clingy and I know I ‘let things go’ with her to avoid dramas and tears. This has clearly affected my eldest more than I could imagine.
How do I go about trying to repair my relationship and more importantly their relationship? I am an older sibling and remember sibling rivalry with my younger sister and feeling “it’s unfair” but never as much as my daughter clearly does.
I’m so worried about her and that this may make her self harm again.

I wonder if this is like having a dispute between your child & another kid at school.

Ask your eldest what she wants & do it. With the rule that whatever you do is about HER (eldest). Your eldest can't demand anything about your relationship with the younger one. But she can ask for more time spent listening, supporting, helping her find info, giving lifts (whatever she asks you can physically do that doesn't hurt yourself, either). So the strategy is all about what you can do for each DD as an individual. Neither gets to criticise what you do for the other DD.

Starting today, what does your eldest want you to do for her.

Sorry... but there may be an element of excuse-making going on here. Where it's easy for the eldest to obsess on something safe to blame for her unhappiness (like sibling rivalry) rather than more difficult to address issues (like own anxieties about growing up). You can't fix that, either. You can only make yourself available to your eldest according to the specific things she asks for.

ps: a lot of them self-harm. I don't want to sound blasé about it... but it's so common I don't (any more) find it horrifying, either. They seem to recover & get better if we make the effort to help them.

How old are they?
My advice would be to give your DD1 some dedicated 1-2-1 time that her sister isn't allowed to wreck, look for some common interests or find some way of just enjoying time together. Allow DD1 to vent, safely and without worrying about being punished for what she's feeling - her feelings are valid and important (even if they might not make sense).

You admit that you've 'let things go' with DD2 to avoid drama, so your eldest may well be justified that by observation alone you appear to have been playing favourites - acknowledge that it may have looked that way but emphasize that you don't feel that way.

Bench any plan to try and fix the relationship between your DD's, focus on your relationship with DD1. Sibling relationships are complex and where there is deep seated resentment they are difficult (sometimes impossible) to fix, any attempts really need to be driven by the siblings with support from parents as needed.

As lljkk says, the sibling issue may not be the primary problem, I'm not so sure about excuse making but it's possible that she's using it a 'surrogate' for another issue that feels too overwhelming. Either way she is inviting you in, she's asking for your time and attention. Building a stronger relationship will put you in a better place to help her if there is something else at play here.

Good luck, teenagers are challenging to work out and often more challenging to help.

They are 11 and 14.
Thank you for the advice- all good stuff. I’ll do whatever I can - it’s a minefield knowing the right thing to do but the positive I guess is that my daughter wants us to spend time together so I can see a light at the end x

At 14 it's a huge testimony to you as a parent that, whatever is behind her need, she has told you that she needs you.

Good luck and I hope things improve soon.