Step mum.

[Han1982]

Hi guys.
I need some advice.
My son is now 17 and myself and his dad have been separated since he was 2.
Before I start with my problem I need to give you some background knowledge.

Me and his father have been the best at co-parenting his wife has always called the shots and I've never really been able to just talk to him alone.
Ever since we separated my son spent weekends and his dad's and step mum's and I've always struggled with boundaries and discipline.
When Ever he's done wrong or been naughty I've been told it's not happened at theirs so therefore he's not carried on any punishment.
Basically I've been the bad guy for years and it's been shit really shit sometimes I really think my son hated me for it.
So fast forward to his teen years awful just awful.
He hated doing his homework ECT we had constant fights and a hostile house (he has two brothers here).
In 2015 when he was 14 my father got ill he had mnd and it was awful he died within 4 months of dignoses it was a shock to us all and I didn't come when he passed
I became very depressed and found I couldn't cope with my 14 year old anymore and made the choice that he should go and live with his dad for a while so I could get better.
Worst thing I ever did.
I had to constantly fight for him to be back here there was no legal plan in place but his dad said he didn't want to come back to me full time.
At the time I felt guilt thinking he felt rejected and didn't want to come because I abandoned him.
It turns out he was getting to do what he wanted he was doing bad at school
Finally I had enough and took control went to his school and said I wanted him back here.
He came back and things were good until he realised he couldn't just sit on his computer all the time or did what he wanted and he didn't like it.
Now he's 17 he has no boundaries or sense of discipline whatsoever.
It's very long winded and there's so much more I can tell you but right now I need to know what I can do?.

Poor lad - just a parcel really.

Perhaps some sort of mediation, so that his needs can be considered in this mess. It must be a very hard situation for you being at loggerheads over his upbringing - this is not good for anyone - seek outside help.

I thought that maybe me and him could have some therapy together.
He does talk to me and tells me everything going on in his life.
He says he understands why I let his dad try with him when I was at a low point but I'm afraid there has been a lot of talking about me at his dads.
I just want him to understand boundaries and that he has brothers here and they have boundaries.
I had him young and sometimes feel I made so many mistakes with him that I haven't with his brother's.

You can’t control what goes on at his dads house, you can only control what goes on at yours. So it’s upto you to discipline and put the boundaries in place you think are suitable.

Did his brothers go to their fathers when you were ill?

Sorry I should of said his brothers are from my marriage now.
They are ten and eight.
He has only the two siblings here his dad has no other children

Which we do but he then runs off to his dad's and we don't see him.

In some ways, the way you or his dad parented him and sent him off when it suited, is over now, as he's virtually an adult. Not saying he won't have felt unwanted, diff to his brothers etc but would think you should stop going over his dads / step mums 'faults'as its not benefiting you or anyone.

Think counseling may be good, but think you have to approach it as in, he's an adult now, help him see what he wants to do with his life, and help him get started.

It wasn't a matter of sending him when it suited it was a matter of I couldn't control him.
He was doing exams and I thought he would be better spending a few months with his dad in the week and weekends with us.
At the time maybe i wasn't thinking strait I had just lost my dad and had cared for him in his final months.
I had always been told from when he was a baby they could do a better job so I gave them a shot at it and it didn't work.

Today my son told me his step mum has said he must be at there's 4 times a week.
He wishes it was his dad that wants him to.
He said he feels unloved by him and that she controls everything.
I've told him he's old enough to be where he wants and that I love him and it's his choice what he wants to do.
We really did have a great chat.
I want him to feel loved and he does.
Maybe just maybe he understands what happened when I sent him to his dad's when I was so poorly.