Mental health issues at University

[Boo2323]

Hi wise friends, my 19 year old son went to uni' in October and loved every minute of it. He started a relationship with a lass who has had a series of mental health issues, depression, anxiety, self harm, she is taking medication and has a split family who are seemingly an underlying cause of many of her insecurities and issues. She struggles to maintain friendships and is struggling to cope with her course work too, falling behind. My son is finding it hard to be in a relationship with her as just a boyfriend as her issues mean that he is constantly supporting her and helping her to handle her emotions and feelings. She has irrational and dark thoughts, is not taking the medication prescribed by her mother as she is a GP and has been to a few councilling sessions provided by the uni. I have been there for my son a listening ear for his own worries about their situation and tried to signpost him to different organisations that may help within the Uni and suggesting that they both register with the university health center and book an appointment for a review of her medication and a professional opinion on what to do next. I have given him links for Students Mind, Mental Health advisers on the uni campus, Samaritans, Nightline and rethink mental health. Now I just don't know what to do and cant stop thinking about him and what they are both clearly going through. They do have happy times and times when things are OK but the dark times seem to be increasing in intensity and frequency and my son is out of his depth trying to deal with this on his own. Any suggestions, thoughts or advice would be warmly welcomed.

You may need to talk to him about boundaries and about staying "just a boyfriend", and about accepting that he is not responsible for her mental health or her other problems. He may need to protect himself a bit. You have already done a lot to try and help. Beyond that there is not a lot more you can do and it might be better for you to take a bit of a step back - while being clear that you will always be there to support him whatever happens. It sounds as if her she is becoming increasingly dependent on him (and indirectly on you) to support her and manage her mental health. Of course you are bound to worry but realistically he can't fix her and you can't fix their relationship for him. It's a tough one

Hi there, sounds like a difficult situation. I think supporting someone through a mental health crisis can be so difficult because our role and influence is more limited than we would like it to be. You have done the research and given your son access to loads of resources and he can do the same for his girlfriend.
However, it is important to acknowledge that while we can walk beside someone through crisis, we cannot solve it for them. We can support them, nudge them towards resources and crucially help them to feel that they are not alone though this. But we can't sort it out. Your son can't do that for his girlfriend and you can't do it for him. But you can continue to be a rock for him to lean on and express his feelings and experiences to. That's really, really valuable.
In my opinion, acknowledging the limits of our influence, allows us to do that role even better as we are less likely to get caught up with all the frantic-ness of the situation.

Can I suggest your son also seeks individual counselling to help him work out how he can deal with this? It’s very important that he doesn’t try to do this alone, and however close he is to you there may be aspects he won’t feel he can share with you.

Thank you so much, your advice makes sense and reassures me that I have done what I can for the time being. I am happy to step back a little and I can do a great impression of a rock. My son knows when I'm around to chat to and I will make sure I mention getting help for himself.