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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How can I get my DH to be more sensitive to DD14??

17 replies

bellylaughs · 20/01/2018 19:39

Typical example happened tonight, DD14 joins us in the kitchen as we’ve ordered take away. I’m delighted she’s emerged from her room and hanging out with family. She stats dancing to the radio and little sister asks her if she needs the loo because of her dance moves, DH promptly roars laughing DD14 storms off mortified, DH thinks she’s totally over reacted, first calling after her that he’s sorry, he wasn’t laughing at her but the comment etc, then gets cross, tells her to come down or she won’t get take away etc. Totally ruined the moment. He is adamant he wasn’t being mean, she is over sensitive etc. I can see clearly it was both but how can I get him to see that she doesn’t need to “toughen up” just needs a bit of gentle handling. He comes from a family of boys and quite a “tough” mum so I don’t think he actually knows how or can believe it if that makes sense?

OP posts:

negomi90 · 20/01/2018 19:51

Be frank with your DH. He can toughen her up at the detriment of his relationship with his daughter who will believe that he doesn't care about her feelings and won't trust him with her problems.
Or he can let life toughen her up (and it will) and support her as it does, while listening to her and preserving his relationship with her.

Frame it as - he can be as right as he wants about toughening her up, but regardless of him being right, she won't respond well to it and he will ruin his relationship over teaching her something she'll learn anyway.

(And the oversensitive/overdramatic phase is a phase one known for being very real in the 14 year old age group. You still have to listen and respect their boundaries. Help her to manage the feelings in terms of behaviour and how she responds, but don't invalidate them or tell her that she shouldn't feel a certain way or feel so strongly.

NorthernSpirit · 20/01/2018 20:01

So her younger sister makes a comment to her (starts this) her dad joins in and laughs and yet she / you are upset with the dad? Sounds like it’s the younger sister who made the comment and started this?

Sounds like she’s been over sensitive to me. The dad merely joined in. She’s 14 - how does she handle it when her mates take the mickey out of her?

My dad used to take the mickey out of me all the time. It’s no big deal. A throw away comment made by the sister and she’s stormed off? Sounds a bit diva-ish.

Audree · 20/01/2018 20:05

Your dh needs to be accountable for his actions and his actions only.
Regardless how he meant it, his attitude was received as being mean. If he apologizes and immediately after says it was no big deal, his apology isn’t worth anything. He does not have the right to dictate how his dd must/ must not feel either, or even worse, to punish her for her feelings.
I sometimes say or do the wrong thing to my teenage and apologize even if I think it’s not a big deal. And I expect him to do the same in return (be sensitive to other people’s feelings)

twattymctwatterson · 20/01/2018 20:09

It's not the job of parents to toughen their kids up. Build strong self esteem yes but toughening up in the way he means will have the opposite effect

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/01/2018 20:14

It might not be a big deal to you, NorthernSpirit, but clearly it's a big deal to the OP's daughter. Can't you accept that she might be different to you?

BackforGood · 20/01/2018 20:19

I agree with your dh. If she can't take a bit of teasing from her sister, and you are somehow blaming your dh for that, then she is being left quite vulnerable. She does need to put things in context. Pandering to her isn't doing her any favour.

NorthernSpirit · 20/01/2018 20:20

Her younger sister started this, the dad merely laughed. Is the younger sister apologising as well? Or is just the dad in the wrong? The dad actually apologised according to the OP.

Personally I think it’s a total over reaction. She stormed off, the dad did apologise (personally I don’t think it was him who had to apologise) and mum panders to her. It really isn’t a big deal. Kids don’t always have to be pandered to.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 20/01/2018 20:23

The school of hard knocks won’t toughen a child up. To make a child feel secure they need to feel valued for who they are and fully accepted and appreciated.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 20/01/2018 20:24

I remember being 14, I was horribly shy and my self esteem was not great. I was so soft, everything was a massive drama, my sister's would wind me up etc. I grew out of it and I imagine your dd will too. Luckily for me my parents didn't try to toughen me up. They supported me, tried to help me build up my confidence and it worked. Your dh need to understand that as a teenager the smallest things can upset you especially if you are already low on confidence.

monkeyneedsahug · 20/01/2018 20:27

I have the same problem with my husband and teen dd. He doesn't get that his actions are cumulative and his winding her up will lead to her being 'over sensitive' and reacting more quickly because of all the other times. He comes from a family of wind up merchants and piss takers and it's completely wrong for dd. I do tell him to bloody well stop too. I find it very wearing and their relationship is fiery as a result.

NotReadyToMove · 20/01/2018 20:31

Winding people up can really destroy relationhsip.
The first thing he should have done is to correct the little sister anyway, way before staring laughing at his dd1.

And negomi said (both about your DH and about your dd being well... a teenager)

GertrudeBelle · 20/01/2018 21:04

Make him watch "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix.

It's an excellent, smart series about the reasons why a 17 year old girl committed suicide. It shows you all the shit that goes on in teenagers' lives while they are telling you they're fine. It also shows the devastation of the parents when they've lost their daughter and would do anything to make it right.

woodlands01 · 20/01/2018 22:58

NorthernSpirit - because DH is the adult and younger sister is the child.

Original poster

bellylaughs · 20/01/2018 23:25

Thanks for all the advice. I have tried to be frank with him but it falls on deaf ears. He has even watched 13 Reasons and felt very affected by it. This is a man who will cry at Little House on the Prairie but can’t seem to be sensitive in real life
(The little sister in question by the way is 7 and was asking the question genuinely!) I really agree with posters that say he’s ruining their relationship. It makes me sad.
He thinks it’s all ok because 10 minutes later he apologised and got her back downstairs with the prospect of a shared game on Xbox. But as I said to him wouldn’t it be better not to upset her in the first place than be proud of patching things up...

OP posts:

BlindLemonAlley · 21/01/2018 16:56

I think what your DH has to bear in mind is that although it might just seem like a harmless bit of fun, he has no idea what else is going on with your DD. Teens can be going through all sorts of friendship dramas and self esteem issues leaving them feeling very sensitive. Being with family should be a safe place to get away from it all and escape the harsh judgment of their peers. Your DD should be able to dance in her kitchen without being laughed at by her Dad.

cdtaylornats · 22/01/2018 08:34

Your DD should be able to dance in her kitchen without being laughed at by her Dad.

And she was, her Dad was laughing at her sisters comment.

How is the DD7 going to feel if every time she says something funny her sisters storms off, no one laughs, and her Dad has to apologise?

moochypooch · 23/01/2018 08:24

When you look a what's happening here, your dd's relationship with her Dad is breaking down and your dh is continuing to behave as he has always done being completely unaware or refusing to acknowledge that things have changed and her needs have changed. This is not a good time to think about toughening her up - she feel vulnerable and his behaviour is making her feel worse rather than better because he cannot change gear to respond to the changes she is experiencing. He is basically saying to her and I don't care if what you need, I will continue to behave whatever way I like and it's tough if it doesn't suit you - I don't care! It won't end well for their relationship, he's being a shitty male role model in your daughters life - He showing men don't listen, they are not sensitive to your needs and it's all about them, you are broken, you come second every time!

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