Teenage son; something’s amiss

[Barts65]

I have 3 teenagers, all late teens.
All have had issues over the last couple of years, possibly due to a number of unfortunate eventualities (divorce, loss of family business, financial hardship, grandparents dying, sale of family home, my menopause and then their GCSE’s and A levels) pretty tough on them.
One is now happy and studying a for dream career, and thankfully excelling; one doing A levels and determined to travel; and the third, my worry.
Not academic, few GCSE.s, got onto a Level 3 course at college and works p/t locally.
Now refusing to go to college, won’t take resits, won’t communicate, feels hopeless and is giving up. I’m very worried. This teen is the most sensitive of all of them and will need more carrot than stick. Someone suggested I kick him out but REALLY?? I’ve handled teen depression before but unsure where to go with this now. Any suggestions please.

That sounds difficult. I certainly wouldn't kick him out. Has he seen a doctor?

Sounds like he needs some mental health support , if he is feeling depressed. And don't kick him out.....sounds like he needs you more than ever. Does he have someone he trusts he can talk to? that e might open up to?

Would speaking to the college be the first step? Has he dropped out because he wasn't coping with it or is there another reason?

I think it's tough on teens when their older siblings have sailed through academically and they realise they can't. And as a parent your have to treat them differently, to do what's best for them.

Finding something non-confrontational (eg a movie you've watched, or asking his advice on buying a new phone) can be a good way to get a teen talking before you try the trickier conversations about what are you going to do with your life

Thanks all. He's gone in to college today. I dropped him at the station and he looked like he was about to burst into tears; heartbreaking to see. Its great to have a sounding board here as few understand the complexities if this. Hes not about to 'snap out of it' anytime soon (as is the thought here at home) and maintaining dialogue is key, you're right.
He excells in some things and I want to encourage him to fulfill his ambitions, just not get hung up on small hurdles. He's only 17 so has many years to catch up, if thats what he wants to do.
He sees his 'successful' siblings and I see him hurting, but he needs to focus on what he can do, not constantly compare to them.

Could he just be in the wrong college? The step up to A levels is really hard - completely different to GCSEs and can be overwhelming with the workload. He’s holding down a job so start there - what does he enjoy about that, is there something in it which may spark a career choice. Then do some research together about what course may suit him better. He really doesn’t have to stay where he is if it makes him unhappy. You sound like a wonderful Mum xx

Has he seen a doctor, perhaps some medication may help to get him feeling better? How is he getting on with his course, is he enjoying it? Who ever suggested kicking him out is way off.

does he enjoy his part time work?
does he talk to you?
can you do nothing apart from listen? and in that way he can work it out himself?

are they are grandparents who he might open up to? or listen to?

would he talk to one of his older brothers?

Maybe there is an issue at college? Bullying?
Maybe he's finding it too hard, or maybe he's decided that he's had enough of education but doesn't know how he's feeling about it?

What about his part time job? Does he enjoy that?

I think you need to try and establish if this is a college issue or if it's bigger than that....easier said than done I know.

Wishing you both the very best. My kids have/are all struggled/struggling with their mental health at different times and for different reasons. It's so very hard to not be able to fix it.

He has been through such a lot hasn't he. I think at the very least he needs counselling and help to understand that becoming depressed after such major events is normal and can be helped. If he is depressed, college will feel like climbing Mount Everest to him. Get him to a doctor, it may be that meds are required to get him back on his feet and then counselling once he is stronger. He is young and can always return to college at any stage. At the moment though his mental health is far more important. You sound like a great mum and recognise that depression is a serious illness. Get as much support as you can for him and yourself.

I'd be very worried too and I'm quite surprised that you've been advised to lick him out. It sounds as though he needs a lot of support - professional as well as family and friends. It's tough being a young man, please don't let others minimise his distressed.

Is he close to his brothers?

Academically you could consider getting tutoring for one of his subjects. This would be a good time of year to organise that and build up his confidence in key subjects that he doesn't excellent in.

Could it also be relationship issues? In which case, he probably wouldn't want to talk to you about that, but you could try!

for you, you been through a lot and sound like a fab mum, I'm sure you won't listen to 'someone' and their suggestions!!

Definitely a chat with college and see what they advise, a change of course? Other issues? Friendships or bullies?

Do you tell him 'well done' on the positive stuff, the job, the gcse's , anything he does to help etc.

I think people are assuming depression far too quickly here before tackling other possibilities. I'd just be wary of that. Does he have any hobbies or fun stuff to do outside college and work?

I'm sure things will get better in time OP.

HAVe you told him he doesn’t need to do college right now? That he could take some time out ?