A sad, seemingly friendless DD

[KTP]

Hi all. I'm writing this from Aus where we are in the throes of summer holidays, with three weeks left. My DD, 14, has always been content with her own company, something I previously felt was an asset, and although appears to have a group of 6 or 7 friends at school, has slowly but surely retreated to her room and Netflix as the holidays have progressed. I have been gently raising it - 'organise something, ring someone, who's around?' etc, even ribbing her a while ago (called her a hermit .... in jest, seemed amusing at the time.....) but no going out at all. It's summer time, she should be down on the beach with friends.....But what's changed now, is that she seems utterly miserable. Normally a happy, chatty typical 14 year old, she has retreated into herself. Is monosyllabic, in her PJs, and just stares at me when i try and talk. She just looks so sad.
So my question is, what should I do? I've tried talking to her, have threatened with turning off the internet to get her to do something else, but its not that. I worry that she's not being included in meet ups, convos on social media, but am at a loss to how I can support her. Any ideas greatly appreciated.

This sounds really hard, do you have any friends or family with kids a similar age? Could you organise a BBq or outing with them and bring her along to help her have some social time.

It can become a vicious circle of not joining in and then feeling incapable or not knowing how to put yourself out there.

Do you have access to her social media? Just in case of any bullying or excluding?

Not sure where in Aus you are but is she sporty? Does she surf? Something she can go out alone but potentially meet new people?

Has she just finished year 8 by any chance? My ds is the same. I am slightly giving him the benefit of doubt though as Christmas and new year ,mean many of his friends are off seeing family and we are now interstate.
Hopefully next week I can tempt him back out!! ( however if it’s hot he suffers!!)

Sympathies, op. Is it possible that the group of 6/7 has dropped your dd - sounds brutal, but it does happen, unfortunately? It can be hard to tell - in the old days you might have noticed that the land line calls dropped off, but with their own phones and texting you're more in the dark. If that's the case dd might be trying to organise meetups but meeting with 'sorry I'm busy'. In those cases I think the best support can be to advise to move on and find new friends (while acknowledging the hurt), but you don't want to go in with that if the problem is something quite different!

Can you organise as another pp has said, for some outings with family friends with dc or cousins -- don't have to be the same age, but just some other young people. (Even much younger - dd may enjoy looking after them a bit?) And are there any out of school clubs she could join (maybe not on in long holidays, is the problem) - drama, martial arts - to meet new people?

Alternatively, could dd be depressed? The fact that she is normally chatty but now no longer so, might be part of that? Have there been other problems at school?

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.Yes, finished year 8! I have allowed for Christmas/NY/people away. I don't have access to her social media, unfortunately, so have no idea about bullying. I don't think it is that, but wonder if people are meeting up, sharing the fact on snapchat etc, and she's not been invited. I have been trying to get her to come with me when I go and meet friends who have kids similar age, most people are working though, which is hard. She gets ratty when I try and organise her.
In term time, her life is filled with music and dance commitments, with soccer in the winter. She leads a fairly busy life, of her own choosing, but it's probably been detrimental to making deeper connections with friends at school I think. So the holidays reveal the lack of meaningful friendships. Ive always been proud of her independence and lack of reliance on others, but I wonder if this is now coming back to bite her in the bum.
The depression thing, I have thought about. Even her elder brother (with whom she has a fractious relationship with at best) has noticed the change in her and asked me what's wrong.

So, my plan is to continue to encourage her out when I can, keep gently offering an ear if she has anything to say, and keep monitoring for now.

where are you based ? I’m in SA till Sunday and then home in WA Sunday pm. As long as she isn’t scared of getting boy germs ! We should get them up meet up !! We could have a giggle at them being silly teens together!!

"I don't think it is that, but wonder if people are meeting up, sharing the fact on snapchat etc, and she's not been invited."

That is quite possible, sadly - social media can be really brutal for teenagers in that way (I gather adults don't always find it great either so how we expect teens to cope I am not sure!). Your suggestion to come along with you with other families is good - even if they're working in the day, how about pizza restaurant in the evening, cinema etc? Does your dd have any non school friends from music etc - could she drop one of those a text to meet up?

Your point about independence is very interesting and thoughtful - I think those very close teen friendships do involve 'dependence' so the non-reliant friend won't perhaps be as close and intense. By and large that may be a good thing (the dependence can be a source of great anguish, unequal relationships etc) - but does perhaps mean that a dd in that position doesn't have a really close bf. And some people in groups can be suspicious (wrong word but can't think of the right one!) of someone who obviously has a lot of other things going on in their life - they find it unsettling and threatening to 'the group'.

I agree to monitor - another way I have seen suggested on mn which sometimes works is 'I think something's bothering you but I won't press you, but do tell me if ever you feel like it and I'll see if I can help' - can get a response sometimes.

You don’t have any access to her social media ?? I have a 13 year old and I’m not on it constantly however have all the passwords so can log in sporadically and do, this she is a second toddledom and they need more support. If she was just happy chilling at home I wouldn’t be worried but as she is miserable something in the background might be going on.

I totally feel you, my dd11 much prefers to stay at home and although she is quite happy I can't help but worry.

I absolutely dreaded the summer holidays last year as the thought of her spending 6 weeks of staying in instead of being out with friends made me ill.

I had a talk with her at the start of the holidays about not wanting her to be lonely, explained that I really wasn't fussed about her being out every day but at least once a week or at least try. Once we had the talk I didn't keep on at her but I did make up holiday rules. I limited her screen time and also limited our family time. I know that sounds harsh but I felt like if there was no screen time and I wouldn't keep her entertained then she would get bored and go out.

I think this a tough time for kids, so many hormones going on inside and they are so aware of social circles and how to act in front of certain groups. I try to remember how I was at that act and how I felt.

My daughter is certainly no social butterfly and there are times that I really worry but I think we have to accept that some kids are just quiet and happily enough in there own company.

I remember somebody telling me that everyone finds their tribe eventually, we just have to be patient.

Big hugs to you as I know how I feel in regards to my dd and some days all I want is for someone to tell me that she's fine and will be okay. Hugs xxx

Hi,

I don't mean to minimise her problem, but both my DC went through exactly the same hermit stage at that age - the summer of turning 14. Saw no one all summer. A close friend said both her DTs did too, even one who is close to my son and they live round the corner from each other. I was worried but pretty reassured by my friend whose sons are older than my two. I ended up calling it their cocoon summer. It's as though they need a summer to themselves to make that transition.

Having said that, I did a few things to prevent the summer being a wash out. It helped in our case to be really direct with them. I said something like, I'm worried you've been isolated this summer and you seem a bit down. I don't want to intrude but it's my job as a mum to check you're OK, so I have to ask and really want an honest answer: Do you feel you've fallen out with friends or you're being excluded from stuff you wish you were invited to?

You can often tell from their eyes if they are lying. I once nudged DS2 when he said: no, I'm fine, and I said: well, you say that, but your face doesn't look fine. You look about to cry. And he burst into tears and told me he'd fallen out with friends. Then we talked it over and suggested some solutions and he felt better.

But if she says she's fine, she just doesn't have anyone she wants to hang out with (which is what both my DC said at that age) then imo, it's still fine for you to say, 'Well that's good to know, but it's not healthy to be in your room all day long' and discuss some stuff you could do together.

Also, are there no summer schools for dance or sports that she could sign up for?

I looked up summer bucket lists and music festivals and discussed skills they wish they had then drew up some easy things to do - we went to a music festival, to a gig, to a couple of workshops and masterclasses in stuff they love (music and sports) for a couple of long walks, to sightsee round a local city - just a few things together. Long term it doesn't matter much if they have a summer hanging out with their mum. The following summer I never saw them, they were off doing summer schools and out with mates and the social life had kicked in.

We also did a few things at home. It was a good summer to say, well, at some point in life you'll need to know how to load a washing machine/cook a few healthy dinners/iron a shirt properly so you may as well learn now. They're still just about young enough to tolerate that being a bit of a game.

OP there is another thread I am on about the same sort of situation give or take where a lot of us going through similar things shares our worries and ideas so I understand how you feel.

Firstly, her independence is an asset and as she goes through life it will serve her well. Don't start looking at it as a weakness now. She clearly has interest and hobbies which again means that she isn't afraid to put herself out there and mingle with people.
Clearly, something has changed, perhaps its just hormones, some teens really just fall into the blues for a year or two, and don't want to engage. Or it could be falling out with friends as others have suggested, feeling left out or realising that she has got herself stuck with people that aren't really her tribe or a mixture of all of the above!
I would try and engage her in conversation, perhaps take her on an outing and gently bring it up. Alternatively, does she have a sibling who could speak to her about what is happening? Its hard to support her until you know what is going on as we could be barking up the wrong tree.
I will end on a positive note and say with my dd, I feel (and hope) the worst is over and things have improved greatly on many fronts. Her experience in fact made me (I hope) a better parent, less concerned with her grades and her success, how she compares to others and more to do with her well being, self belief and resilience.
Kardi - I did the opposite, I increased our family time! I made more outings with extended family which I think was positive for all of us.

One final point, some children are simply introverted (which is no bad thing) and prefer their own company.

My daughter is the same. She has 2-3 really good friends but they only catch up once every few weeks. She seems mostly happy but she's always at home.

She's not out getting into trouble and is mostly happy doing things with me and says she doesn't need more friends.

My issue is that being at home so much is leading to weight gain and lower confidence. I've had to insist she exercise (which she resists and resents). I don't want to make her self conscious and let her work through her "hermit phase" but I don't want the health issue to get out of hand either.

Teens are hard work

Trying2bgd - I think I worded mine wrong, haha. Family time as a whole is still very present in our house and very much agree that time with cousins and auntie and uncles helps alot, especially if they are quite close in age. I meant more along the lines of giving her things to do when screen time was stopped. I would stop pushing activities on her and let her find something to do herself (I hope that makes sense). I think this age is such an emotional rollercoaster and not just for the kids, haha. It's nice to hear how others in the same situation handle things and to get some pointers. Xxx

Karid, lol, I see what you are saying! We worry so much about them. I really hope that in 20 years time we will all look back and think actually it was no biggie and they turned out just fine.

{flowers] and hugs, feeling for you KTP, I have a daughter age 15 yrs I have rarely stopped worrying about for one reason or other!

I cannot add much to all the good advice you've already received on here but I've tried talking to her, , well just keep gently trying, not pushing...but giving opportunities to chat and see if there is anything specific that could be causing sadness. Maybe threats aren't the way to go but more 'gentle but firm advice' that she shouldn't not be on screens all the time. Don't push her to be out there with or without friends all the time if she doesn't want to go out at the moment, it's a difficult age, perhaps her hormones are unsettled? Has she started regular menstrual cycle? I think she is more likely to open up if there is anything troubling her if you ease off on your expectations of her, allow her to be herself at the moment. As long as she knows you are there with love and support I am sure she'll be fine.

It's so tough, thinking of you xx

...I meant!

Karid1496

Yo comment has reminded me of my boyfriend's daughter. She's 12 years old but doesn't want to go out at all, she goes out with a friend when invited but when dad suggests to invite her friend, she doesn't want to. She will be on her phone when and only wants to socialise with her brother and dad. He was fed up during the Christmas holidays.

Blessed81......think alot of kids are like that, they are happy to socialise sometimes but it's not a necessity to them. As long as they are happy we just need to let them be. Can be emotional for a parent though as you just want reassurance they are gonna be fine xx

I have a DS like this 13, nearly 14 and he's totally not interested in really doing anything. He does a club which he's quite passionate about but is totally single minded and only does what he wants to do socially. He doesn't really see the point of just seeing friends.

Hopefully, things will get easier for him but I certainly don't think he's unhappy more resigned to how things are. We've tried so many different ideas and suggestions and really now, he joins in with family stuff and family friends but otherwise he's very happy being at home,