17 year old daughter doing too many chores

[confuseddaddotcom1]

Hi, my daughter is now 17 years old, at college and doing well. We have always tried to get the children to help along with the chores in around the house. We have devised a rota and it works reasonably well even though they need reminding from time to time. My issue is, as my daughter is 17 and at college part time, quite often at home earlier than me and my fiancée, I feel she should be doing more around the house. I’m not talking about cleaning everywhere or making dinner every night but I would like her to empty the washing machine occasionally or make the occasion meal as we don’t always get home till after 6pm. Is this an unreasonable request, am I being too mean?

Washing wise she should do her own washing but no more. I see no reason why she couldn't prepare, say, one meal a week. But if she is doing well at college I wouldn't insist on more than that.

She's very nearly an adult, so I agree with you.
Cooking a family meal once a week, and emptying the dishwasher every day as she is home seems reasonable.
Realistically, she could be in her own place in less than a year, she needs to know reality.

You mean she should learn living skills to ease her transition into adulthood? Yes.

Mine does one complicated main meal on an emptyish day, one easy meal a week plus daily task like hoovering on non cooking days.

My son(12) does his own washing and empties the dishwasher daily. (Plus feed the cats) he will also do extras when asked (like hoover the living room or tidy the garden) it’s at the stage now where he will ask if anything else needs done which is very nice so I dont think you’re asking too much of a 17 year old.

Just the viewpoints I were hoping for. I just want her to gain valuable skills also to help her in life, not solely academic although it is important. I don’t feel quite so bad now. I’m sure she’ll thank me in the future. 😊

Yeah. Go easy. She still has studying and needs time to be a teenager too.

My two (now 18 and 17) have done their own washing, cooked a family meal once a week and helped with the weekly cleaning for the last four or five years. It doesn't add up to much of their time (probably two or three hours a week depending on what they choose to cook) but spreads the chores across the household and teaches them how to do useful things. So long as they know in advance when they have to give the time up and can plan what they are going to cook neither have complained too much. They are both competent cooks and can do all general household things which will be useful in the next year or two once they leave home.

Of course!

Not to be all ‘down the coal mines’, but I was in full-time University and living many hours away from home at 17. I therefore did all my own washing, cleaning, etc. It’s normal.

Does she have to study in the evening?

The OP said her DD is at college part time.

Even if she does have some study in the evenings, I’m sure she has time to empty the washing machine or cook some pasta.

Sge’s Only studying part time. If she goes in to uni or gets a job she’ll need to be able to manage all of the domestic tasks plus full time study/work. At 17 she’s almost and adult - she can fit in a few chores

Cooking sounds good and important preparation for adult life. Washing machine is a bog standard thing too, that was the chore I started with for my younger two (they don't do 'their' laundry specifically, just move it into the dryer, bring it out then take their own stuff to fold)

What does she already do as part of the rota? I could do with some inspiration myself :)

Exactly what Veterinari said, if she’s planning on uni, or moving out at any time, she needs to jobshare in the house otherwise she won’t have a clue. Or manage to live, in a reasonably functioning environment whilst doing another job.

The only thing I would be careful of is having her doing jobs while your other children (especially if they are boys) are lolling about in front of the TV or gaming or whatever. Make sure you keep it fair.

My mum would never make me do any housework she said I'd have enough to do when I left home

I'd say all kids up to 30 mins day when in full time education. More at weekends.

Part time = more responsibility at home. Shopping, cooking, washing up, tidying and cleaning one room properly so she knows what that really looks like.

My kids are younger 9-13, but can all step up to fill the gap of missing adults ie can do all the animals (dogs, cats, chickens, horses and sheep) plus cook a meal for the 4 of them, clear it up and tidy away. Put on washing, stick it in the drier, sort and fold when dry. The thing they are shit at is washing up.

Occasionally they are on their own for a part of a day and they can just get on with it as long as they know they need to. Everyone plays to their skills.

Personally I don't push mine too much on this Keep their own rooms tidy etc ,clear up after themselves all fair enough but I don't look for much more

My 11 year old empties the dishwasher everyday, feeds the dogs, and sorts his washing and puts it away. He'll do ironing if required and mop the floors, put a wash on (though selecting the right programme and detergent is a work in progress), or clean the bathroom if asked.
On week days, this is less than 30 minutes, and I want him to grow up being able to do everything competently and not a useless bloke who waits to be waited on

If she can't currently cook a meal, can you do some basics with her, so you prepare the meal together, and then you can suggest she might want to try it herself another time.

Total respect to all you mums who are tracing your children to be independent.

I have a DSD who is 12 and she does nothing. We have her EOW and everything you ask her to do (minimal such as laying the dinner table and taking her own dirty plate over to the dishwasher) is a battle. Her mum does everything for her. Not kidding, she can’t even make toast.

I’ve recently become a bit supper nanny as I believe we should teach kids independence and life skills. Am teachering her to cook. It’s a battle but we’re making progress.

Rant over.....

Northern fortunately we are 50/50 with the the 2 DSC at a minimum often more. They do bugger all at their mums and housekeeping is not in her skill set. My DCs often complain that the annual shit chores (eg potatoes) fall on the weekends they're not here. But sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.

@Wallywobbles I feel your pain. We only have the 2 kids EOW & half the holidays and I feel like it’s a battle. They do nothing. Not joking - mum even wiped their bums until they were 9 & 6. My OH got all supernsnny with them in that.

Their mum works a 10 min walk from home and works 16 hours a week and does absolutely everything for them. I mean everything. The kitchen kids are 9 & 12.

I have a FT role. I often do 9/10 hour days and on top on that have a 2.5 hour commute. I’m not anyone’s servant and I do think it’s important to teach kids life skills and independence. But it’s really difficult when you get ‘why should I’ all the time. To which I respond ‘because we’re a family and we all help’.

I think when I was 12 I knew how to use a washing machine, would help prepare meals and me and my brother washed and dried the dishes after dinner. Why have kids become so entitled and expect everyone else to do this for them?