Depression? Rudness? How do we deal with this? 16yo driving me to distraction.

[badasahatter]

I am struggling here. DD, 16, won't talk. Keeps to herself most of the time. I have pockets when I'm allowed in, mostly when I'm taking her to gigs. We go to a lot. This was the strategy when she said she was struggling with her mental health a few years back.

Christmas was horrible. The child was sullen, ungrateful, generally rude. We saw her for a little longer than the customary hour at evening meal time,because the grandparents were here. She was courteous to them. Not so much with her dad and I.

Today, after a few challenging days, we have had a row and she has screamed that I'm always shouting at her (I really don't...but I did get cross with her yesterday for the first time in ages and raised my voice at her dad rather than her, after she'd gone to bed) and she has depression and I should understand.

How do you engage a teen who says she's depressed? She prefers her dad to me, so he's going to suggest going to the doctors tomorrow, but I feel like she yells mental health whenever we flag up her poor behaviour making me feel guilty whilst disenabling intervention.

Does anyone have any advice on how we should deal with this?

Hi Badasahatter, I think I remember you from a few years back when I too was having problems with my then 14 yr old DD! I have often wondered how you both are. I'm sorry your Christmas was horrible but the fact that she was courteous to the grandparents suggests the normal teen behaviour of giving the parents the shit and everyone else the sweetness and light. In itself this does not scream mental health issues but I know that is only one snapshot that I can see, what about everything else? You state 'she says she is depressed' what do you think? Normal teenage mood swings and fed up ness are one thing but how 'bad' is she, does she motivate herself to do stuff? Does she sleep and eat ok? Do her school or college work? It sounds like she can motivate herself when she wants to go to the gigs which is great, keep on with that if you both enjoy and she does a bit of communication!

I don't believe you are always shouting at her, you don't come across as being that kind of parent. It is a bit of an art trying to pick your battles through the rudeness isn't it, I think it's always best to have ground rules of respect and manners, teach by example but also accept that our teens are not always going to be the epitamy of this.

See where it goes with the docs suggestion. Next time things are calm try and have a chat and assure her that you do understand (they think we have never been teens ourselves don't they) and that you just want to help her. Hope that helps a little. Sending out hugs of support.

forcryinoutloud, have you changed name? Or am I just really forgetful? You are so kind to remember me and I really appreciate the support. I don't post often, so your memory must be good.

DD has had her ups and downs but I suspect a lot of this is normal, teenaged stuff. She has problems with sleep, but her appetite is fine. When she's at school she gets plenty of exercise because she walks there and back and it's about a 3 miles, round trip. She is still playing her guitar; she is glued to her phone and she went to a NYE party this year for the first time ever, so I'm thinking Depression is a bit of a reach. Low mood would probably swing it but again, it doesn't seem extreme. I think she uses mental health as an excuse because she knows I am sensitive and supportive about that. She's 16. I know an ed-psych that reckons this, all alone, should be in the diagnostic manual as a mental health condition, but you know when you second guess yourself? I'm worrying I'm damaging her, whilst simultaneously wanting to! Lol...maybe not truthful, but I would like to see something other than grumpy negativity going off in that head of hers.

In truth, she has been much better of late. She has first year A Level exams in the next few weeks and I know that's an anxiety hot spot. I'm menopausal, so I'm probably a bit moody too. That's why I've written this down...to get it off my chest and try to get some angle on it that isn't hormonal and stroppy! You have put my mind at rest forcrying. And I am away with her for 6 nights in February, so that should help with the discussions. I'm expecting things to be better by then, as exams will be over and band season will be well and truly upon us. Roll on the summer when I'll be done with my studies, and my stress will be gone and I'll be in a better place for supporting her, I hope. Thank you. x

Hi Badasahatter, yes I have changed my name, can't remember what it was back then but I did post to one of your posts, definitely. I remember our DDs were near the same age (mine soon 16) and going through very similar stuff.

I will post a longer reply later but have to run at the moment, have to dry my hair and DD making me a cup of tea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello again! Where was I, yes well I think your ed psych may have a good point. I know at this age there is all sorts of weird chemical stuff going on in their brains, there was a science programme on a few years back that showed a scan of a teen brain and all the weird activity that goes on so when you say I would like to see something other than grumpy negativity going off in that head of hers. remember that it's not something we can really control. It's science! But boy is it tough to be on the receiving end.

You talk about a lot of positive stuff going on Bad , she's playing her guitar, she wants to go away with you in Feb. And like you said, you both have reasons for stress and tiredness (are you studying too, did I read that right?...applause from me I'd love to but am too knackered) I think with all the media coverage about teenage mental health these days people can be quick to label things as a mental health issue, I'm not saying it isn't but I think mental health in some ways has to be treated like physical health, i.e. not everything warrants needs a major operation or long term medication, some things just need a soothing cream and a sticking plaster (but of the 'mental' kind). You may feel it needs a professional to decide that or not, I think it depends on how much it seems to impact or her daily functioning and activities (by activities I mean everything from the basics eg washing and dressing.....can you tell I'm a former nurse..LOL) By the way has a GP looked into the hormone, period side of things, how are things with her there? My DD was horrendous for about 2 years after the onset of her periods age 12 but she is a lot calmer now thank heavens (now I've got an 18yr old DS stressing me out, heaven help me!)

I'm glad I have helped a bit, jeez the phrase 'glued to his/her phone' could be applied to most teens I think, DS was in kitchen today cooking noodles with one hand on pan, one on phone, heat up to the max and then put empty pan back on heat whilst gawping at phone. I wanted to throw the damn thing through the window.

More hugs and or gallons of ..we need it.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Sleep well.

Hi there. Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier forcryinoutloud. Sorry to hear your 18 year old ds is stressing you out. This really is the bit of parenting you don't think through when you hug those cuddly, cute little bundles. I hope it's a blip and that he is soon bringing sunshine back into your life.

I am a bit stressed by studying - 49 when I decided to go back to uni. What was I thinking? But I love it. And it has given me a new lease of life and new hope for the future. I do love mixing with bright young things who are full of hope and enthusiasm and they are so kind. They see me as the mum of the group and are desperate for me to get drunk in front of them just for giggles. I might do it, towards the end of the course, but my dignity is barely there at the best of times, so maybe not.

DD's dad had a really good chat with her yesterday when he took her to look at guitars and open a bank account with a switch card, so she can start travelling alone this year (that scares me a bit, but she's almost 17...and I really want her to push out of her comfort zone, so yay and aagghhh, simultaneously). He had a chat with her about her behaviour and she blamed every indiscretion for the past 3 years on mental health. I think it's a bit of a fallback position for her tbh. However, he did suggest that if she was struggling to that degree, maybe she needed to see the doctor and she thought about it overnight and texted him to say she'd like to see someone. I am going to pretend I don't know, as we are not sure if she wants me to know. I'll see if she says anything when she gets up today.

Fingers crossed, talking to a medical professional will help her to put her problems into perspective. She is weepy, which is unlike her, and her mood is very low, which is a teen type thing. I will mention hormones to my husband, as he'll probably take her down, or talk to dd before she goes, so that's a useful tip. I am also sure that dd will feel better when she's back at school. Even though she doesn't love the testing process, or enjoy being sociable for too long in one bout, it forces her out of bed, makes her walk and gets her talking to people. Hopefully that will be enough to lift the funk she has got herself in.

Thank you so much for you kind words. I am about to launch into my 3000 word essay on why teachers have an impossible job, then I'm having a walk with the dog in the local woods. Get a bit of fresh air and get back to nature.

Hope you have a lovely day and that your stress levels diminish. xx

I don't know about that essay title, shouldn't it be 'why mums have an impossible job'?, we could probably rack up 3 million words between us!

You have my total admiration, I have done the odd OU course and would have liked to have gone into teaching but am just whacked with family life.

Anyhow, it sounds like you've taken, and dad has taken some positive steps there and has got a decent response. A professional opinion and chat will hopefully be a big help. And as much as they moan about school I think a lot of youngsters prefer the routine and having something to do so and this will improve her mood again.

Thanks for your listening ear about DS, he is currently having a gap year of being totally bone idle (give me strength, that wasn't the plan!) and glares at me and stomps about if I mention he should do something productive. Meanwhile DD is studying for these new 1-9 GCSEs and is sick of school and can't wait for summer.

Teens eh, you gotta love 'em. Good luck with essay starting