lonely DD

[blimppy]

My DD is 16 and has had a difficult few months with various friendship issues. She has found herself with only a small group of friends, who don't appear to be particularly sociable outside school - or if they are they are not inviting DD. She is seeing others go to parties and getting ready to celebrate NYE, but she is stuck in with me and her Dad. I've tried suggesting we go to the cinema to see a film I know she wants to see, but she doesn't want to. I keep telling her things will get better, but I can tell she doesn't believe it. She is considering moving school next year for 6th form, largely in the hope of meeting new friends. But it's heartbreaking seeing her so upset and sad now. She does have a couple of good friends outside school, but that's it really, and they both have their own school friends to socialise with. Any ideas how we might make tonight less miserable for her?

I was your DD at one point! I think tonight just pamper her like maybe do her nails (or a manicure if she doesn’t like wearing nail varnish), do a facemask, just small things that make her feel good.

Put on some of your shared favourite music and dance around to it - it makes you feel so much better. It doesn’t matter if it’s Ariana Grande, Harry Styles, Madness or The Rolling Stones. It’s music, and if it makes you feel better, why not?

Also keep telling her that you’re there for her, no matter what. :) you sound like such a lovely mum.

I moved schools for sixth form and the playground mentality definitely disappears, so your DD will definitely be surrounded by like minded people. I found some lovely friends in sixth form, and it really boosted my confidence:)

omg blimppy, you have written almost exactly what I was about to post. I need help too.

DD has been let down by 3 friends on arrangements for today. One accepted an invitation here then decided to go to a party instead , one is ill, the third is just a complete dickhead & she never wants to speak to him again. DS (18) will be out with his GF so she's stuck here with me & DH. She's turned down all my suggestions so far, won't go to see a film or go shopping, she won't eat, won't come downstairs, just lying in bed, either sleeping or looking at her phone . I feel so sad for her. She keeps saying 'I don't know why I bother' and crying. I'm not bothered about NYE at all, but it's a big thing for her when everyone else seems to be out partying.

Dd also was expecting invitation to friend's party which hasn't materialised. We're going to friends as in past but their dds will be elsewhere so she's feeling a bit of a spare part.

Thanks for the responses. "Hope" - it's good to hear a move to a different 6th form can work out so well. DD did in the end decide to go to the cinema and enjoyed the film. Takeaway pizza and DVDs will now need to get us through the evening! I just hope 2018 works out better for her, and all your DCs, than 2017.

This was my DD last year. Bored at a neighbours party with adults whilst everyone else's teens were out.

She's now at 6th form and has a new group of friends and is at one of their houses tonight.

I don't think it helps that she's quite an introvert in some ways, preferring cinema, meals out etc to parties and drinking. And she hates dressing up in smart clothes.
Most NY eves etc involve this.

She seems to have found some kindred spirits though and things will improve for your DD too I'm sure.

could have written this post myself.just had my DD in tears as she has found out via the delights of social media that school friends are all at a party together to which she was not invited.This isn't the first time it had happened . Dad is quite bookish and not as streetwise as some of her peers. she is in year 11 and I am really hoping that she will consider moving to a different 6th form next year to help broaden her horizons . In the meantime I am trying to build her self esteem as it is clearly at an all time low. best wishes to all In a similar situation.xx

I have joined this site tonight as I am so heart broken about my 17( 18 in 3 weeks) year son. All through junior school up until around year 7/8 he was quite a social boy and always had lots of friends and then it just suddenly stopped. He never goes anywhere on a weekend or after school and spends all his school holidays in his room! I know he’d love to be out as when ever I invite him out with me and his stepdad he jumps st the chance! I’ve asked him before why he doesn’t go out and he says it’s because non of his friends go out? I’m so stressed about him not having anyone to go out with for his 18 I can’t sleep! Tonight I asked him if he wanted dropping anywhere ( party wise) and he looked ones all sad and said ‘no’ I asked him why he doesn’t go out and I got the same answer’ none of his friends like drinking or going out so there’s no one to go out with!’ I asked him if he’d like friends who went out and he said yes! Hearing that absolutely broke my heart!

Hi Jude, that rings so true. My DD also says her friends don't want to go out. It's like she's trapped in a social role that limits her. Meanwhile, others are having loads of fun, and it's so sad to see her looking so lonely.

I have friends at work whose children are around the same age and they’re never in! If I could arrrange a play date for him, like when he was little I would but you just can’t do that at 17!! I Prayed once he went to a new college he’d find new friends and things would change but everything’s still the same! I encouraged him to start applying for jobs but he never even gets an interview and then I feel even worse because it’s more rejection! He’s an only child so has no siblings to at least socialise with, I really just have no idea how to help him 😞

My mum could have written all of this, OP, when I was sixteen. I think it might be a good idea to change school, that'll bring more opportunities to meet with new people.

As for job interviews I believe the old rule of thumb is "100 applications -> 10 interviews -> 1 job offer" which means you'll get 99 rejections and just 1 acceptance letter (upon which you stop looking). It might be worth bearing that in mind, the many rejections are sort of built into the process.

Jude could you do something at your house for your ds for his 18th? If friends not into drinking could they just have an xbox night or something with a takeaway.
Hoping all your teens have a better year in 2018

We're at the younger version of this: dc is 11 and in a small geeky / quiet group of friends: onehas decidedto freeze dc out of the group as dc is now catching up with this child in terms of academic results while the other 3 are quite submissive and don't make the other child feel threatened.

Dc starting ti be left out oflotsof things puureky because this one child is engineering things and has spent a lot ofthe holiday in tears.

Desperately hoping for good high school news this year.

I’ve suggested things like bowling, cinema and have always said he’s friends are more than welcome here. I’m happy to drive him to wherever he and his friends want to go but still nothing. I think he’s just the friend in the background that you don’t really notice or think to invite. I don’t think he’d want to organise anything for his birthday in case nobody turned up. I’m hoping to find somewhere to help undate his cv, make it look more appealing ( any suggestions?) and hopefully once he starts working he’ll be out more

Onaroundabout , same. Dd had just about decided that party wasn't happening when she got a snapchat from a friend from it. Many of her group of school friends were there apparently. Host hadn't responded to 3 messages during past 10 days but had read them.

oh How awful for her, kids are so mean and social media most make things so much worse! ( what does DD mean?) I’m sure I’m more stressed out about him now than I ever was when he was little 😔

Hi, rejoining this conversation! I completely agree about social media making it so much harder! DD is currently writing her application letter for a sixth form at a different school. I don't know if moving will prove successful, but I am not confident that things will change it she stays where she is. It's strange, because anyone meeting her outside school would see her as confident and extrovert. But in school, she's always at the edge of things. I try and work out why. She can be a bit intense, is very academic and probably comes across as rather too opinionated sometimes. But she is also funny, kind and sensitive, and it is not like any of the others are "perfect"!

Same age DD here, sadly there's a mix of things going on here

Parents who don't want their teens 'hanging' round or disapprove of the youth clubs etc
Teens who 'must' attend family events
Teens who don't want to don't want out
Parents who prefer to micro manage and arrange 'dates' 'lifts' etc

Then there's the few parents who want to let their teens discover the world and work things out for themselves within reason

College will be different because the teens get a bit more freedom -

blimppy, I think we share the same DD!
we've talked about different 6th forms today and she is definitely more open now to alternatives so maybe something good will come out of this.