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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ds friend age 14 threatened suicide

12 replies

breadmaker · 30/12/2017 22:09

So tonight DS comes running to us panicking as his friend has sent a long rambling text and inferring that he was so down he was about to commit suicide. He did reply to ds's next text and we couldn't find his parents contact details so DS arranged to meet him and we jumped in the car to find him. We left DS a few mins to talk to his mate and then DS came and asked if his mate could stay over with us tonight. I suggested that we check with his mates parents first (and I now have their contact numbers). It seems he has had depression on and off for some time and his mum says they're getting professional help as he won't talk to them. I think she feels pretty crap as she hadn't picked up that he was down today. He's at ours now eating bacon sarnies and seems ok for now. I feel ok that I've communicated ok with his parents plus have told him it's ok to stay as long as he likes. I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how I support DS through this. I'm enormously proud of his response tonight but I think he will need some coping strategies to help himself and his mate through this.
Advice please?

OP posts:

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 31/12/2017 00:00

Well done to you and your DS. You saved that boy today and that’s amazing. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say how lovely that that boy had you today.

lljkk · 31/12/2017 00:02

Ah, sounds like your DS did good.
oh, and feeding them is good. Huge help.

It's not his fault, whatever happens now or later. As long as he tried to help, he did good. He doesn't have to take on his friend's pain, either, in fact, easier to stay helpful whatever comes next, if he doesn't try to empathise. Those would be among my messages.

DD has a friend who is on suicide watch list (from what I understand). Has emergency referral & regular monthly appts with some kind of counsellor. We joke about this being a reason why DD has to snapchat the lad at dinner table (MNers will be aghast about every part of that sentence... but what else can we do??).

Plus I want DD to detach. She mustn't see herself as responsible for the lad. Still, she can sketch out what she can reasonably do as a friend, listen & advise & encourage to think positive, and have some confidence that she did her best to be a good friend.

Original poster

breadmaker · 31/12/2017 09:29

Thankyou. That is really helpful. DS is a caring lad. I've not had a chance to chat to him yet about it as his mate is still here but I think he will feel this very deeply and will find it hard to detach from it. I do think that he will blame himself as he is that sort of person.
I also am not sure that his parents realise that he intended suicide - somehow I have to find a way of telling them without DS or mate feeling that I've broken their trust.
Re Snapchat/instagram/mobiles - thank goodness for them or we couldn't have been there for him x

OP posts:

Abitlost2015 · 31/12/2017 09:37

Maybe make sure your don’s friend has the Samaritans contact number or mental health crisis team number in case he feels very low again and needs to talk? (I am thinking so that your son doesn’t feel it would be an issue not to notice a message quickly)

lljkk · 31/12/2017 10:01

Samaritans number is good idea.
Talking to the parents... it's best if the lad feels somehow in control of that communication, too. Either he can be honest with his folks, or OP could ask him what does he want her (OP) to tell the parents. OP can't be asked to lie to them, though, or pretend she wasn't very concerned. What I'm describing would mean a small amount of pressure on the lad, but it's usually accepted b/c all about saying that as an adult we can't just let these things go. We have to know what we've done something to make sure they have more support in future.

If you think he's in immediate danger then of course those rules go out the window & tell his parents everything they need to know.

Hercules12 · 31/12/2017 10:04

He needs to he taken to a and e straight away by his parents. They need specialist advice today.

Hercules12 · 31/12/2017 10:06

You need to tell his parents. This isn't a time to keep confidence.

Original poster

breadmaker · 31/12/2017 10:11

Samaritans - good idea thankyou.
I just don't know how to play things with his parents - it's a newish friendship and they're of the age that you don't really gwt to meet the parents, so the first time we spoke was last night. I'm also going to suggest that DS speaks to the school counsellor-I know from past experience of DD's friend that they are brilliant and discreet.

OP posts:

Original poster

breadmaker · 31/12/2017 10:17

Hercules12- they're still asleep.
I need to have a chat with him first - he's safe right now and I do want him to feel in control of what happens now or I fear he will feel we have closed off an avenue of support for him in the future. I'm also aware of where my limitations lie- he needs professional support too x

OP posts:

lljkk · 31/12/2017 10:40

It sounds like the lad isn't at immediate risk (now).

School will see it as vital safeguarding issue where they (school) HAVE to inform the parents what they understand to have happened and what the risks are. However, school can keep things very confidential how they came by the info. It is still better, will get better engagement and willingness to accept help & ability to benefit from it, if the lad feels like he has some control with the information about himself & his life.

I went thru something similar. DD's mate wanted to break up with a boy who was at high risk of self-harm. It was easier for DD's mate that I got in touch with the school to alert them to the risk.

Hercules12 · 31/12/2017 10:44

I'm not sure how anyone can know he's okay. I've been there with dd and the advice is a and e. I didn't take dd seriously even after camhs told me she was thinking of suicide and she took an overdose a few days later. Fortunately she was ok but the advice to us was a and e every time which we do and then she's assessed by mental health services for the risk.

pasanda · 31/12/2017 15:30

Please tell his parents.

My ds took two overdoses 3 days after his 14th birthday. He posted a picture on instagram of the pile of pills and a bottle of vodka he used to down them. Not one of his friends told a parent (thank god yours did) but if I had found out a parent knew he was suicidal and didn't tell me I would have been absolutely fucking furious. It was bad enough knowing none of his friends told us.

We knew he was self harming, was depressed and had been seeing a fantastic psychotherapist for the previous 6 months who had checked his suicide risk 3 weeks prior, at my request after some worrying behaviour. But he still did it.

Tread carefully but please let them know.

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