Sources to help DD reframe her ideas of, approach to and expectations of friendships?

[DoinItForTheKids]

My DD (15, 16 in March) is in her last year of secondary school and has had probably more than her fair share of friendship/friendship group changes in the last couple of years of school, usually due to the power of 'the group' and often instigated by one agitator-type girl whom the others are under the power of and they won't question their inappropriate demands leading to one child being evicted from the group. In addition (and pre-dating this) there is an unpleasant/deluded family dynamic on the side of her father's family (my XH) and she has virtually no contact with him (this Xmas was a full year since she'd last seen him). There's an odd 'pecking order' of all the grandchildren in the family and sadly DD is at the bottom (undeservedly but that's how it is). So that's the background.

As I write, once again she's spent the whole period after Xmas/just before NY totally on her own (apart from one lad she's spent some time with who I suspect is moving towards BF territory). She sees 'friends' arranging to meet and go out for meals and they always leave her out. So I think she's lonely a lot of the time, and bored and her self esteem constantly under attack.

I think she's opting to leave things as they are for the remainder of her time at school but I really think that she needs to draw a line (in several ways) when she goes to do her A levels not least since one of these girls will be on the triple-subject course that she's going to be doing, and I want to help her avoid these same scenarios following her through her A level years.

I wondered if anyone had recommendations for books, websites or anything really that I can point her to that might help her take a fresh look at things? It's difficult because I do feel that if someone really is a friend, they wouldn't consistently arrange to go out without you - that's inherently not friendly is it! And who wouldn't be hurt by that? 'Just make other friends then' - well, at the moment, due to the various groups / cliques, it's jut not an option. One of DDs teachers says this Yr 11 group have been one of the worst, bitchiest, nastiest she's taught for a few years so it's not me claiming that they're all awful and 'poor DD' - they really are horrible / or stuck in their groups from which they (apparently) can't break free.

Any ideas, thoughts, sources of info, books - please could you let me know?

I'm not the one making PA's, so its much more likely to be you, isn't it?

Sorry, but your making your daughter appear to be the problem, when more than likely she isn't, reading books on friendships isn't what she needs.

She's obviously worked out how to be true to herself and not just follow the crowd, she's neither in or out, she's a watcher.

She has some great qualities, what she really needs is to be able to trust others intentions, because the likely hood at the moment is she's build a wall to protect herself and it shows. She won't let them in to cause her hurt, so she switches off and ignores, at her own pain and expense

The boyfriend maybe a good was to rebuild relationships and she may well be more trusting of boys because girls are particularly horrible (worse when boys come along)

I'm not the bully my DD was horrendously bullied for a long time and it's a helpless feeling - and you'd do anything to help, but giving her advise on how to make friends isn't going to help, you need to build her self asteem confidence and ability to trust.

I'd also say social media has a lot to answer for, but if I guess right, and she's watching the others train wreck their friendships, then she's learning plenty about what not todo!

I wish her well

I'd almost be tempted to go down the movie route... Mean girls, Romy & Michelle's high school reunion, grease, heathers...!... Fwiw that was me at school and I aced college. I would get her to focus on what she wants to be, Who is a role model to her be it celeb, leader, Fanily friend, what's her drive etc, and how she can get there. Let wider life be the future not present ... Also at college get involved in the good extra stuff- social committees for party's, sports etc

One thing I've done is encouraged her to join cadets and that has helped a little, (although it's early days). At the very least it has widened her choice of people to be friends with. It's in a different area to her school so it's a different group of children with no overlap to her school life.

books don't solve every problem but they can contain wisdom that helps. Just came across this www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=12416

Exactly dreaming - I've focused a lot on what she wants to do and how bright and exciting her future could be doing the main subject that she's going to do.

Yes newballs, she's seen Mean Girls but I can certainly suggest some of these others as well! As you say, widen your experience, widen the remit of your interests etc.

green thank you for this post. No I don't think DD is the problem but I do think that because of the rejection she's suffered with her family and with 'friends' at school that she's begun to look at what friends can do for her and maybe it would help her to go at sixth form with a completely different, refreshed approach that takes a totally opposite approach - could they detect this need in her and find it off-putting (or are they just really silly girls wrapped up in the bubble of school life?!)? I can and have done (and continue to do) all I can to build her self esteem but she's 15, she already knows I love her and I've got her back but sadly that's far less meaningful than having a variety of friends - she doesn't want to hang with her auld mum! She wants mates and a social life with those mates - only that will build her back up and get her confidence back up. So I think it's important to look at her friendship making approach and how and where she can build up more chances to make friends and so on.

Thanks Stuff, I'll have a look at that, cheers.

Sorry if this is a really stupid question but does she have any interests outside school? Im still in touch with someone I stacked shelves with after gcses. It sounds as if she is just on a different wavelength to the rest of the year group which is unfortunate but theres not much to be done about that. So she needs to find friendships elsewhere. What are her interests?

Hi red, not a stupid question. She did - with the previous friends (related to the course she'll be doing at sixth form). With her main subject there will be plenty of outside school events an an overseas trip. But a regular activity, no. Now that she no longer has EOW contact with her 'dad' she could pick up some classes on a Saturday which again would expand her horizons and possible friends. The topic she's going to theme her art portfolio on could possibly tie in with a Saturday job type scenario and that's another one up my sleeve to encourage her to look at as well. There are some other nice girls that she occasionally hangs with but they're all stuck in these blessed groups and if she gets into a different group it might include the person who used to be her absolute best friend ever who dropped her or it might include someone she knows to be an agitator and a bit of a bitch and she doesn't want that. She has learned that she wants people who do help her to feel positive about herself (and rightly so, friends shouldn't bring you down or make you feel bad) but at the same time she needs to think about new friendships (possibly) from a different perspective.

It happened to me at the same age and in a very similar way - it was horrific.
I moved to a different sixth form, then the group decided to come with me. We all did a little bit of maturing and since they have all apologised ( except the same ‘instigator’ type girl.) 4 of them are now some of my closest and kindest mates.

It took a new environment and a bit of growing up for my group. Sorry, I know that probably doesn’t help, just a ‘there is an end’ anecdote really x

Yes Lemony, that certainly could happen since I've got no knowledge that any of these girls will be doing the same course and hopefully that will have a splitting up effect and shake things up a bit - for the better. Thank you.

I really want to get to the 'end' part I've got to tell you!

It does sound as though your dd can make friends - she's just in a year that doesn't really work for her because of existing alliances, and from what you say Yr 12 will be different socially. When you say she needs to think about new friendships from a different perspective, what sort of thing do you have in mind? I think her approach of wanting friends who make her feel positive about herself is a good one - is it more about how to put that into practice?

It is interesting about the request for books because it's hard to think of many - I think there are perhaps not many that really recognise quite how awful these things can be! Of course that may be because for many dteens things work out perfectly well at school, with occasional ups and downs. If you are one of the few for whom it doesn't work, life can be very difficult. Good to hear from lemony that sometimes things resolve! I wonder if that was due partly to a chance of environment.

Yes sothat, it's about how she approaches it I think and possibly getting her to think about what her expectations are. Is she wanting every friendship to be a full on I'll tell you all my secrets BFF level or does she understand that there are different friends for different things and having a variety spread out is better (and within that there might be one or two stronger friendships). Some friendships will be more casual but you could still have your lunch with them in the sixth form cafeteria and a nice chat even if you didn't see them outside of that - and that's ok.

Obviously it would be ideal if it just all resolved with being in the new sixth form environment but I just wanted to make sure that I'd maybe addressed this topic with her a bit in advance.

But I think in light of the difficulties DD has had, friendships are very closely related to her self esteem and I do wonder if that colours her expectations at all, or makes her needs in friendships higher than they ought to be.

It's not helped by the fact that her confidence is at rock bottom plus she has anxiety. But she really loves socialising and going off and doing things with a whole variety of people so the unrelenting monotony and grinding boredom of this second half of the school holidays has really really got to her and I know she's feeling really down. I'm struck down with what I think is probably the flu so I'm of no bloody use to her at all - can't even throw in a Primark trip to cheer her up as I'm not fit to even leave the house at the moment.

You're right, there's not a lot out there about this - lots of 'this is what's happening with your teen's brain' type stuff but not a lot about how to cope when things aren't going well or what techniques you can use.

As a back up I would have another college in the background that if in the first few days/week it looks like history is repeating itself then she can change.

Whilst you have heard it from the horse's mouth that things are completely different in 6th form do take on board what the teacher said about it being the bitchiest year they had ever taught.

fwiw dd was not the coolest child throughout school.
She started with one friend but they realised they weren't the cool kids. They made a group from others who couldn't quite cut it in the cool kid groups.

I think it started when getting changed a group were comparing their Jack Wills knickers and how much they cost.
Dd (who was in Primark £1 for a pack of 5) started getting the giggles and couldn't stop. Then a few who were around her started laughing and another group joined her and her friend.

Sometimes you have to have a giggle at the ridiculous behaviour.

That's a great example Oliversmumsarmy!! Shows the fragile foundations on which the 'cool' group's friendships are made on - knickers!

I know DD gets really frustrated with the fact that a lot of the girls just blindly accept the unpleasant girls into their group and cannot see that they're going to stir everyone up and split up friendships. She's stuck at the minute I truly believe and has just got to try and soldier on until the end of exams (with the various bits of help I've been quietly putting in in the background just in recent times).

Yes I would definitely agree it's a good idea to have alternatives in the background - and bear in mind that you don't have much time to move in yr 12 - even by the end of the first term of yr 12 a lot of ground has been covered so if the alternative school/college is doing a different syllabus it is difficult to catch up. Half a term is probably the longest you want to leave it if you're going to move in yr 12. (The upside is that by the end of the first term it's only really 16 months to go!)

Op, that is a very good point about accepting that different friendships will have different 'levels' - it does not have to be a bff to be rewarding and pleasant! It is a good idea to go into trying to make new friendships not expecting too much - but also being ready to jump ship if a friendship turns out to be unsupportive.

Yes, I'll try and convey that if I can so.

My school was like this but things changed, quite naturally and without fanfare, in sixth form. People left, new ones joined, we were treated more like students than pupils and people duly matured. Wait and see, OP, it could improve on its own.

The boyfriend could be great, if a relationship materialises between them - a whole new social circle.

Thanks scrabbler. It's both a positive and a worry, this possible boyfriend! But, right at the moment he makes her happy so that's what matters. I do sincerely hope that it just happens naturally like you say. Thanks for responding.