Inappropriate behaviour

[Looneytune253]

Hello, please be gentle.

We discovered my daughter was reading inappropriate e books a couple of weeks ago. (Sexually explicit). She is a very different child and likes to be different and I suspect she likes to shock people. When we discovered the reading material we confiscated the kindle and had a chat about why we thought is was inappropriate for her age.
Yesterday I found a secret (anonymous) Instagram account where she talks about her ‘girlfriends’ ‘homophobia at school’ and worryingly ‘sub dom relationships’. She also touched upon cutting herself ‘again’ which lead me to believe it was mainly for attention as she hasn’t actually cut herself before. We have always been very open with her and discuss who she is etc so I don’t think she’s afraid of coming out or anything like that. We are very open to the idea she may be gay but so far she has only ever said that she doesn’t know yet. I just don’t know what to do next with her. It feels like I just don’t even know her at all, even though I really thought I did. Is this all within the realms of normal? I know it’s normal to be curious at her age. Her friends are a little older than her which is a worry but being (undiagnosed) potentially autistic she has always found it incredibly hard to make friends but has a good group of hardworking (but older) friends now. We have taken away all internet privileges for now but don’t feel like I can trust her online anymore. I understand this isn’t feasible long term though for a teenager. Any advice? She is actually a very intelligent girl and way beyond her peers maturity wise. Often gets mistaken for a college student (she’s actually 13)

I think this all sounds pretty normal. She’s just exploring. I wouldn’t make her feel ashamed although obviously I’d be keeping an eye on any relationships (because of the sub Dom ref) and of course for any SH signs and letting her know you are there to talk any time.

Don’t give her the ‘shocked’ reaction and she won’t try so hard to be shocking.

Really? I’m so relieved. Thought I might get slated on here (though there’s still time lol) we have always been very open and honest with her generally (and always have) and she’s always been given the freedom to express herself. Maybe too much too soon?

How do you know she hasn't cut herself before?

I wouldn't worry about the reading material. I was reading my mum's Leslie Thomas and Tom Sharpe books at that age, and one which I found on the bookshelf which was basically Victorian filth.

I'd be more concerned about the self harm. It's secretive stuff and you may not know if she's done it before. In my experience it is something that the harmer generally keeps hidden because if it is in the open, the tools to self harm are likely to be difficult to get hold of.

Because there would be marks etc. She doesn’t have any. Still happy to get dressed in front of me etc

I think this is the age where we all start trying to work out our identity/image/esteem (pushing boundaries of self image with clothing/image/make-up/sexuality). Unfortunately in the age of social media differing themes of expression are more extreme and varied than they ever were before, so I think you are right to be concerned about her exposure to adult themes on the internet. It's an important process of working towards your adult identity, but open and emotionally validating parenting is crucial. Good luck OP!

What type of e books? Are we talking something like fifty shades? I wouldn't be too concerned about that. I definitely remember being around 13/14 when I first discovered masturbation and sexually explicit stuff being is so readily available these days, if it was back then I'm sure id have found it! Part of growing up I think.

Agree that the ebooks entirely depends on there content. At 14 my DM gave me Molly Parkin to read.

It’s fan fiction with their fave stars get together and then describing what they do together. Have deleted the app now though and she has no internet access at the moment.

Can you set up her kindle so that it’s part of 5e Family kindle and you can see what she downloads?

It is a kindle fire and it was an app called whattpad but it’s not actually her kindle so have taken it away for now

Op I could have written your post. My dd is exactly the same and I found an inappropriate Instagram account so have been monitoring it (I've made her delete the app but have downloaded it myself.

Dd had cut her arm. I've contacted camhs ( she has add and asd) and am waiting for them to come back to me.

Sorry OP, I may be going against the grain here but at an age when she's exploring her sexuality and is obviously struggling emotionally, you've punished her massively for reading online sexually explicit fiction?!
Sexuality explicit material is everywhere nowadays (sadly), youve taken away all internet access and therefore her ability to communicate with her peers, thus leaving her isolated.
Surely this will bring on massive feelings of shame and embarrassment.
You also have no idea if she's ever self harmed before - there are plenty of ways to hide this.
I have a teenage son, it terrifies me as a rape victim what children see from such young age, especially young boys, but I can't ban and punish him from ever looking or reading something he shouldn't as it's impossible to monitor 100% of the time.
Isn't it more important to discuss these things with her than a total ban?

Hi @LuluBellaBlue the punishment (internet ban) was for the Instagram account as this wasn’t the first time similar things have happened. The punishment for the reading material was removal of the kindle (and a chat) you must have missed that bit. Sorry.

@Elderpond nice to speak to someone in the same boat. How have you dealt with the internet etc?

Problem that I had was that she accessed through her phone. Her pc is locked down by her Dad who is internet whizz. I now random check her phone at any given interval. My concern was this individual she was 'in love' with was a stranger and clearly not who they said they were. luckily she hadn't sent the person anything inappropriate. I've kept the Instagram account open so I can monitor it. She no longer has the app on her phone.

Hi Looneytune - sorry my mistake.
However it does still seem a harsh punishment.
Surely she has this secret account so she is able to speak freely and express freely?
You sound an amazing and understanding mum, but even so I wonder if she does feel ashamed / suppressed?

Sounds completely normal. DD has been all over AO3 and Fanfiction.net since she was maybe 12. Online communities like TUMBLR have let her 'meet' likeminded people. I wouldn't dream of monitoring or censoring what she does online.