How do you engage teenagers?

[Chocolatecake12]

I’m at my wits end! Ds 15 almost 16 just doesn’t want to anything with us.
He’s rude and defensive all the time. He seems to have no respect for me and barely gives me the time of day.
Being home with him is horrible as it creates a moody atmosphere in the house.
I’m a lone parent, I have a partner who doesn’t live with us but is here a lot. I also have a younger ds 11.
Just wondered if any of you experts had any advice? Or similar stories? Just to make me feel not so alone in all of this.

My household is like yours- single parent (widowed) with DSs 15 and 10. Had a terrible year with DS1 when 14-15- absolutely vile, casting nastiness around everywhere- but IT PASSED. I'm convinced it was hormonal. Best thing that has happened, is he got a nice girlfriend who spends a lot of time at our house. He behaves much better when she's around.
You may have to accept times of family togetherness are going to be few and far between. It's almost impossible for us to find something to do together that we all genuinely enjoy. I find myself watching movies I don't really like or Match of the Day with them, just to spend time together. I do insist on all eating tea together nearly every night (no phones). Accept you may not like your teenager for a while - and accept that they can't control what is happening to them-but live in hope it will all come good when the teenage stage passes.
Probably just in time for your DS2 to start the process!

keep talking to him

Also- what is your DS's relationship like with your OH? Is there any resentment about the amount of time he spends in your home? Could they do 'man' things together???

I have ds 13+16. We watch films of their choice - I laugh at the bits they do! I show interest in their day, enthusiasm in their hobbies - boxing and football, show sympathy for the mates /gf fallouts and don't sweat the small stuff like swearing /not clearing away mess! They tell me they love me daily, kiss me goodbye before school /college and are nice to their younger siblings!! Teens are awesome!!

Wow Tinsel, wow. Love your positive approach

DS 14 and very aggressive when on ipad and Xbox and my 1 hour limit rules are starting to be stretched just now sadly.

I try for very brief conversations. Arguments are utterly pointless. You'll never win that battle just now!

Ds14 has first girlfriend and house calm when she around funnily enough

I second Tinsel's approach. Find a Netflix series to watch together. Stand on the football pitch (or whatever hobby ). Look interested in interminable You tube clips.
Equally, give him some responsibility - I told ds that I really needed help to manage the house and gave him some jobs - recycling, hoovering and cooking one night a week. It helped enormously and ds started to realise exactly how much I did behind the scenes to keep everything running!

Another vote for Tinsel's strategy.
You may find the interests of a 15 year old boy dull and boring but he feels the same about yours. I have two DSs and have learned to feign be interested in endless computer games, YouTube, sports and tedious tv shows.

Also find something new for you to do together. Box sets that genuinely appeal to you both, we've done Breaking Bad, Walking Dead, Suits, Veep. Learn to play Badminton? Escape rooms are a brilliant family day out though a bit pricey to do often.

I insisted on meals at the table from an early age and we stuck to it throughout their teens unless one had something else on. No phones at table whether at home or out. Ever.

Chocolatecake12 i have the exact same issue with my 16yr old. He came back after spending a week at his mum house, never even said hello or a word to me - straight onto his xbox.
Arguments are pointless as i have found out from bitter experience. I now just walk away and ignore him, and if serious remove his xbox controller (the latter gets an instant apology).
He does not want to watch a movie, TV, go out even clothes shopping together. Even though he lives with me FT, and his mum wants little to do with his life (she lives far away), he seems to have more respect for her.
i found sticking to my own goals such as reading and learning new hobbies distracted me from day to day issues with him, and give me some purpose.

well not even a HNY from son today, straight on xbox instead!

have you said happy new year to him?

i did try engage with him, but as usual wakes up, and gets washed and straight onto Xbox

Learn to play the Xbox game with him? Or play the same game & then talk to him about best strategy.

Ok, I wouldn't do that. But it's reasonable idea.
They like food. Take 'em out for a pizza.
They like lifts. Drive slowly wherever you take them to.
DS would go swimming & running with me, when he was on a fitness drive.
DD just wants an audience to tell me about her social life.
Mine will pay attention if I offer them cups of tea.
We found some mutual interests.

Be interested in their interests. Chat in the car. Go out for a meal/coffee and chat then. Play a board game or do a puzzle together. Make some popcorn and watch a film together. Eat your evening meal together.